Keeping myself together

Times have been rocky, but not bad at least in terms of relationship. I finally sorted my shit together this time.

I think I've said it before, but this is probably the time again that I'll say it again. I have to learn everything that has got to do with life and relationships again. Specifically, those knowledge that are supposed to be learned since the days of secondary school. I never did for obvious reasons really, and it took a toll on my obviously. Though I'm not complaining - to be honest, I'm merely just pointing things out.

Now, I'm not saying that those things are about love or anything related, but to learn about friendship at that time period - better yet, learn about friendship with another close friend and develop each other. It's an opportunity I can never get again.

Then again, this is the life I live in now. After so many years I can say that "best friend" is only an illusion - and it doesn't exist at all. Worse, the illusion doesn't even exist at all. At least to me.

Seriously, the best time to grow closer to someone is grow and develop career and the mind together. That's the best. And I missed my chance. Didn't even know I had that chance in the first place.

I can assure you that everyone I know now are pretty much settled with life and got this sort of thing settled down nicely with a thick layer of dust - and that's how they leave out people like me. And people like me are those rare outcasts to have a void. Either suck it all up and guess what unwritten rules and knowledge that everyone already know, or just fuck it completely.

This really affected on how I socialize and make friends and maintaining friends, and certainly have no idea how to develop and have the so-called "best friends".

#StoryOfMyLife probably. Too soon to tell, but there's already a big gap here. Bummer, but I'm gonna suck it all up and not care about everything already. I'm getting too old for this shit.

Friendship - revisited

It's been hellishly long since I last updated this blog LOL.
I guess now is a pretty good time to update, so here goes!

First off, I realize some people are really unpredictable, but then again once you get it right, there's a pattern emerging. I seem to be invisible to them, and I am only visible when they have no one else to go to.
No matter how much I tried or helped or plainly just tried to chat, I just get ignored all the way. Well, screw you too.

There's where this revisited comes by.
Over the past year I've come to my own mindset of one particular method on making friends that lasts long without even failing.
I just have to follow this sequence.

1. Be my true self. No masks.
2. Show off only the truly bad part of myself. If they really do want to be my friend, then they just won't simply abandon me or ignore me. I'll still be in their hearts and minds.
3. Once my true bad part of myself is shown and they did not abandon or ignore me, show off my entire true self - including my true honesty, kindness, and care.

Believe it or not, I overheard someone gossiping about me and I believe that this is very true.

Why?

Because it really shows off who accepts me for who I am, without having me to put on a mask to impress you, then for you to accept my mask and not for who I am masked as.

I can lose way less friends and get hurt a lot less.

Even more beneficial is that I don't have to socialize as much with strangers, and doing annoyingly blind favours for those that won't even talk to me again after whatever they needed was done.

Realizing this was a total boon for me. Yes, I might be a bitch at first. First step is the most difficult one ever, no?

Shields up, do not simply let anyone to come in and take advantage of my and myself.

Prove yourself, and I will let you in.

I believe your efforts in proving yourself are worthy enough for you to not betray or hurt me once I let you in.

I believe that from outside my shield, everyone saw me as a monster.

But I believe that you see my differently.

And I believe you prove yourself because you felt something in me.

With that, I believe I opened my shield for you - a friend - to come in.

I believe we have a mutually understanding, a mutual believe in each other.

I believe we will not stab each other in the back, or in front of each other.

I believe.

Wish I realized this a lot sooner though.