Before I begin, I just want to highlight something. Recently, I found out a way to break overthinking - that is to lay out everything and analyze the whole situation. That's what meditation is for - and this space here has become... my space to lay everything out.
Seems fair, because it's my blog after all. This is a blog, by the way. NLT is my main site - not a blogger. I make impacts on the company that I work with. I influence minds.
Ironically, I can't influence my own mind. I know I've been going on and repeating this issue for many times, but I think I finally know more reasons why it happens. And how to stop it.
People say that we adults are actually the result of our past. Our childhood. Our past experiences. I actually somewhat agree to this. As people get older, their personal touch is lost and gates to their personal life are closed. Which means as you get older, you have less new people that are close to you.
I can quite confirm that the reason why I began my 10-year quest to search for a best friend. It's from my brother. His best friend and he are friends since they were still kids - probably before I was even born. They're friends for more than 20 years - and they're only 30 years old now.
Yes. I was jealous. I still am jealous now, actually. I only began the search when I was... 14 or so.
Years have passed since the search began. It made me become a person who actually pick and choose people so meticulously that I only have a handful of people I can truly help. And for those I truly help, I do it in a complete package. From top to bottom. Literally take away the task and do it entirely for them. If I think someone is worth the extra effort, I'll proactively help them as well.
Which what led to my demise with the Note 4 guy. I was being used. Being taken advantage.
I won't even stop if the task is incomplete. I don't care if it's my own task or it's something that I'm just helping out. A task is a task, and I have to complete it. Else, I get anxious and restless.
Still not sure what it means by "giving chance", but if my preconception is correct, it means by giving a window of opportunity to others to help me back. How I work is simple - you want me to give you chance, then you have to proactively rob it from me, or tell me outright.
Now, however, I wonder how things have come to be.
Sometimes I wonder if my 10-year quest is still going on, or has it ended already?
I get the feeling of underappreciated, not thanked, not loved, and generally just ignored.
Sometimes it feels like I'm being pushed away.
Sometimes, it felt like I'm being used. Again.
Perhaps it's a test of time.
But I'm losing patience.
I'm desperate to make up for the time I lost.
I'm a quarter century old now, yet I still can't get this right.
Perhaps I'm fated to not have this.
Life sure does feels lonely.
