It seems like I've been getting a lot of the same feeling these days. Recurring feeling of depression. Might be because of the seasonal deprivation that kicked in from the previous post on this blog.
It's... just not pleasant. Makes me feel like crying myself to sleep these days.
On a side note, goodbye Google Plus. There's nothing but salty, terrible memories there.
Sunday, October 28, 2018
Monday, October 15, 2018
Deprivation
Just when I thought the void is getting sealed, well, it feels like I've been disowned again. I do so much and yet everting goes unrecognized.
I finally get to know one thing - why this is important to me.
Without a loving male father figure in my life, I guess I'm just deprived of that feel. The love from a male figure in live.
Some might call it gay, but you should try going through life without a loving father.
But hey, I can't do anything about it. I do wish that one day I can reconcile with this. But I don't have any hope right now as I lost every bit of it.
Bye.
I finally get to know one thing - why this is important to me.
Without a loving male father figure in my life, I guess I'm just deprived of that feel. The love from a male figure in live.
Some might call it gay, but you should try going through life without a loving father.
But hey, I can't do anything about it. I do wish that one day I can reconcile with this. But I don't have any hope right now as I lost every bit of it.
Bye.
Monday, October 1, 2018
My thoughts right now
It's funny how these two posts came around. Instantly, I shared them.
Disappointed at myself. For doing such idiotic things.
Disappointed at myself. For doing such idiotic things.
Friday, September 28, 2018
Craziness vs. Insanity
To get over something is by accepting. It's not simple. Sometimes I think that some things are special, but I'm wrong. Always.
Then I start getting numb over these things. Eventually, nothing is special to me even if it truly is special. Something like the when someone lies too many times and eventually, no one believes even though it's true.
For me, I start to realize there's really nothing to lose at all. Everything is replaceable or disposable. Even me.
Psychologically, people start getting crazy and go rogue when they realized this. There's nothing to lose, so why not go all out? No point lying to yourself to make others happy either.
There's nothing holding you back - and no one can tell you to stop. But this is where many people start to go from crazy to insane.
Without the limitation or confinement of someone or something telling you to stop, people go all out and mostly for the wrong reason. Keep your sanity in check from time to time even when there's nothing to lose.
Just from time to time. Let yourself go crazy and try everything instead.
In words of Linkin Park -
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
But hey - humans say one thing but do the other. Let's just see how long I can last in numbness before I start feeling again.
Then I start getting numb over these things. Eventually, nothing is special to me even if it truly is special. Something like the when someone lies too many times and eventually, no one believes even though it's true.
For me, I start to realize there's really nothing to lose at all. Everything is replaceable or disposable. Even me.
Psychologically, people start getting crazy and go rogue when they realized this. There's nothing to lose, so why not go all out? No point lying to yourself to make others happy either.
There's nothing holding you back - and no one can tell you to stop. But this is where many people start to go from crazy to insane.
Without the limitation or confinement of someone or something telling you to stop, people go all out and mostly for the wrong reason. Keep your sanity in check from time to time even when there's nothing to lose.
Just from time to time. Let yourself go crazy and try everything instead.
In words of Linkin Park -
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
But hey - humans say one thing but do the other. Let's just see how long I can last in numbness before I start feeling again.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Acknowledgements
A simple hello, hi, or a simple gesture just to acknowledge the presence of a person isn't that difficult, no?
Acts as a "oh hey, you're here" and that's enough. It makes a lot of differences.
Perhaps pointing things out in a confrontation helps, but that's the last thing I want to do.
I don't think things will turn back to its original form after any confrontation. It's not nitinol.
Still, confrontation is the only method to move forward.
I'm too scared to confront, but have things to say.
Such is life.
Perhaps you should initiate the confrontation instead.
Acts as a "oh hey, you're here" and that's enough. It makes a lot of differences.
Perhaps pointing things out in a confrontation helps, but that's the last thing I want to do.
I don't think things will turn back to its original form after any confrontation. It's not nitinol.
Still, confrontation is the only method to move forward.
I'm too scared to confront, but have things to say.
Such is life.
Perhaps you should initiate the confrontation instead.
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Being pushed away
To me personally, it's been a year since the trigger. A lot has happened and a lot has changed since then. And it seems to be going full circle and back to the beginning where things were at a bad state.
Firstly, it feels like I'm being pushed away again. Unwanted and just discarded. Disregarded. Better to be invisible at times.
I don't really care much about praise and shit like that - mostly just acknowledgement that I'm a human. I mean, respond to me and talk like a human is fine. Sharing, talking, interacting.
Honestly speaking, my soul has been turning back to its hollow and loveless state again since these past 2 months or so. Life has pretty much been in autopilot mode since then.
I'm pissed at times but I can't show. I literally want to break stuff at times but I can't do it.
I guess that's life for me.
Working all the time.
Forever alone all the way.
Not like I bother, though.
Been this way for many years already.
How much worse can it get?
Firstly, it feels like I'm being pushed away again. Unwanted and just discarded. Disregarded. Better to be invisible at times.
I don't really care much about praise and shit like that - mostly just acknowledgement that I'm a human. I mean, respond to me and talk like a human is fine. Sharing, talking, interacting.
Honestly speaking, my soul has been turning back to its hollow and loveless state again since these past 2 months or so. Life has pretty much been in autopilot mode since then.
I'm pissed at times but I can't show. I literally want to break stuff at times but I can't do it.
I guess that's life for me.
Working all the time.
Forever alone all the way.
Not like I bother, though.
Been this way for many years already.
How much worse can it get?
Monday, August 6, 2018
Moving out
Yes, as the title suggest, it's time. The time for me to move out is finally here.
Thinking back, it's been nearly a year since the idea came up. After so much waiting, the time has arrived.
Being my first time moving out, I'm anxious. Really anxious. And afraid. And somewhat excited? I have no idea what's to come.
To be completely honest, at that time I was throwing around this idea for me to move there as a way to integrate our working place more tightly. It eventually became a thing and I realized how crucial it is for us to all work at one place at the same time.
The other reason to move there is a personal one. I mean... my best friend and brother - someone very important to me - was in quite a bad state at that time. Helped him out and lots have improved - but there are many other things to be improved further. I guess that's where I step in?
Now the real thing is happening and I'm just having a mixed bag of emotions. The best way to deal with something is to do it face to face - but confrontations
aren't my forte either.
To care for others, perhaps I need to be cared for a while.
The transition period will definitely be a weird one. Hopefully everything works out smoothly and quickly.
Don't know if I can focus back at work instantly with a shakeup at a fundamental level.
By the way, 2/5 phones have finished reviewing. Other 3 will be short reviews soooooooo yeah. Heading to Taipei again too. Hopefully my leg doesn't fuck itself up this time.
Stressful times ahead.
Thinking back, it's been nearly a year since the idea came up. After so much waiting, the time has arrived.
Being my first time moving out, I'm anxious. Really anxious. And afraid. And somewhat excited? I have no idea what's to come.
To be completely honest, at that time I was throwing around this idea for me to move there as a way to integrate our working place more tightly. It eventually became a thing and I realized how crucial it is for us to all work at one place at the same time.
The other reason to move there is a personal one. I mean... my best friend and brother - someone very important to me - was in quite a bad state at that time. Helped him out and lots have improved - but there are many other things to be improved further. I guess that's where I step in?
Now the real thing is happening and I'm just having a mixed bag of emotions. The best way to deal with something is to do it face to face - but confrontations
aren't my forte either.
To care for others, perhaps I need to be cared for a while.
The transition period will definitely be a weird one. Hopefully everything works out smoothly and quickly.
Don't know if I can focus back at work instantly with a shakeup at a fundamental level.
By the way, 2/5 phones have finished reviewing. Other 3 will be short reviews soooooooo yeah. Heading to Taipei again too. Hopefully my leg doesn't fuck itself up this time.
Stressful times ahead.
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
It's something really personal
Each time I'm updating here means that I'm not really feeling good.
Yeah, it's been quite a few weeks since I last felt good, actually.
Have been sleeping a lot too - a sign of depression.
Things have been weird.
It's something personal that I usually just suck it up and dismiss it. From the past experience, I know this isn't something healthy to do. So, I guess I'll make a little change this time - though I doubt it'll do any difference at all.
It's about my leg. My right leg. This little fucked up leg. It's caused me enough issues. To be honest, sometimes I wonder if it's better to just amputate it and get a bionic leg instead - if the technology is up for it.
I've got a lot of things to talk about this leg. It's late now - or very early, depending on how you see it. Perhaps next time, if this no good feeling still looms over me.
Still, it's something personal that I doubt others will even understand. That is, if those other people even bother to try to understand.
No one really cares for me to the extent that I care for others.
And hey, the list of things to do here in this link is quite good.
Yeah, it's been quite a few weeks since I last felt good, actually.
Have been sleeping a lot too - a sign of depression.
Things have been weird.
It's something personal that I usually just suck it up and dismiss it. From the past experience, I know this isn't something healthy to do. So, I guess I'll make a little change this time - though I doubt it'll do any difference at all.
It's about my leg. My right leg. This little fucked up leg. It's caused me enough issues. To be honest, sometimes I wonder if it's better to just amputate it and get a bionic leg instead - if the technology is up for it.
I've got a lot of things to talk about this leg. It's late now - or very early, depending on how you see it. Perhaps next time, if this no good feeling still looms over me.
Still, it's something personal that I doubt others will even understand. That is, if those other people even bother to try to understand.
No one really cares for me to the extent that I care for others.
And hey, the list of things to do here in this link is quite good.
Sunday, April 1, 2018
Finding the reason why these things happened
Before I begin, I just want to highlight something. Recently, I found out a way to break overthinking - that is to lay out everything and analyze the whole situation. That's what meditation is for - and this space here has become... my space to lay everything out.
Seems fair, because it's my blog after all. This is a blog, by the way. NLT is my main site - not a blogger. I make impacts on the company that I work with. I influence minds.
Ironically, I can't influence my own mind. I know I've been going on and repeating this issue for many times, but I think I finally know more reasons why it happens. And how to stop it.
People say that we adults are actually the result of our past. Our childhood. Our past experiences. I actually somewhat agree to this. As people get older, their personal touch is lost and gates to their personal life are closed. Which means as you get older, you have less new people that are close to you.
I can quite confirm that the reason why I began my 10-year quest to search for a best friend. It's from my brother. His best friend and he are friends since they were still kids - probably before I was even born. They're friends for more than 20 years - and they're only 30 years old now.
Yes. I was jealous. I still am jealous now, actually. I only began the search when I was... 14 or so.
Years have passed since the search began. It made me become a person who actually pick and choose people so meticulously that I only have a handful of people I can truly help. And for those I truly help, I do it in a complete package. From top to bottom. Literally take away the task and do it entirely for them. If I think someone is worth the extra effort, I'll proactively help them as well.
Which what led to my demise with the Note 4 guy. I was being used. Being taken advantage.
I won't even stop if the task is incomplete. I don't care if it's my own task or it's something that I'm just helping out. A task is a task, and I have to complete it. Else, I get anxious and restless.
Still not sure what it means by "giving chance", but if my preconception is correct, it means by giving a window of opportunity to others to help me back. How I work is simple - you want me to give you chance, then you have to proactively rob it from me, or tell me outright.
Now, however, I wonder how things have come to be.
Sometimes I wonder if my 10-year quest is still going on, or has it ended already?
I get the feeling of underappreciated, not thanked, not loved, and generally just ignored.
Sometimes it feels like I'm being pushed away.
Sometimes, it felt like I'm being used. Again.
Perhaps it's a test of time.
But I'm losing patience.
I'm desperate to make up for the time I lost.
I'm a quarter century old now, yet I still can't get this right.
Perhaps I'm fated to not have this.
Life sure does feels lonely.
Seems fair, because it's my blog after all. This is a blog, by the way. NLT is my main site - not a blogger. I make impacts on the company that I work with. I influence minds.
Ironically, I can't influence my own mind. I know I've been going on and repeating this issue for many times, but I think I finally know more reasons why it happens. And how to stop it.
People say that we adults are actually the result of our past. Our childhood. Our past experiences. I actually somewhat agree to this. As people get older, their personal touch is lost and gates to their personal life are closed. Which means as you get older, you have less new people that are close to you.
I can quite confirm that the reason why I began my 10-year quest to search for a best friend. It's from my brother. His best friend and he are friends since they were still kids - probably before I was even born. They're friends for more than 20 years - and they're only 30 years old now.
Yes. I was jealous. I still am jealous now, actually. I only began the search when I was... 14 or so.
Years have passed since the search began. It made me become a person who actually pick and choose people so meticulously that I only have a handful of people I can truly help. And for those I truly help, I do it in a complete package. From top to bottom. Literally take away the task and do it entirely for them. If I think someone is worth the extra effort, I'll proactively help them as well.
Which what led to my demise with the Note 4 guy. I was being used. Being taken advantage.
I won't even stop if the task is incomplete. I don't care if it's my own task or it's something that I'm just helping out. A task is a task, and I have to complete it. Else, I get anxious and restless.
Still not sure what it means by "giving chance", but if my preconception is correct, it means by giving a window of opportunity to others to help me back. How I work is simple - you want me to give you chance, then you have to proactively rob it from me, or tell me outright.
Now, however, I wonder how things have come to be.
Sometimes I wonder if my 10-year quest is still going on, or has it ended already?
I get the feeling of underappreciated, not thanked, not loved, and generally just ignored.
Sometimes it feels like I'm being pushed away.
Sometimes, it felt like I'm being used. Again.
Perhaps it's a test of time.
But I'm losing patience.
I'm desperate to make up for the time I lost.
I'm a quarter century old now, yet I still can't get this right.
Perhaps I'm fated to not have this.
Life sure does feels lonely.
Thursday, March 8, 2018
25th Birthday
Welcome to the quarter-life crisis! I have to say, my quarter-life crisis is not the usual one out there. Birthdays aren't my thing, because I personally didn't get to experience a proper birthday celebration before.
25th birthday. 6th March 2018. Here's what happened.
Woke up to attend event. Gotta work, still. Jammed all the way to Nu Sentral for the Honor event. Got a lucky draw ticket with the number 115. Fair enough. Sat through the whole event and do my thing as usual. Lucky draw winners were number 114 and something else. Fuck.
Off to lunch. Thanks for the fish and chips - it tastes good!
Fetch someone to Damansara Perdana since it's on the way.
Then off to work the second round.
Work is still... the same as usual. ASUS delivered 4 slices of cake with a "happy birthday" stabby thing. Thanks a bunch. Seriously. I'm shy though.
Shy because this is like the first time I ever got such thing.
Then back to work again.
Once work is done (which is like 10pm) then everyone's leaving. Then I remembered - those 4 slices of cakes. Might as well eat it before we leave.
Then talked about stuff till midnight.
And that's about it. Nothing else.
Now, here's the thing. I never had any blowy candle cake birthday celebration before, actually. Yeah, I know. 25 years old and I have not experienced such things before.
That's the thing - my entire childhood is pretty much... uneventful with just shit all over the place.
I can't believe the someone who delivered the slices of cake to me just pointed out that I'm blushing. Yes I am, because it's the first time I had such a thing. Can't blame me for that, I guess.
Speaking of which, I don't even know if you get 1 or 3 wishes for birthdays. Superstition, I know - but it's still a fun thing to just do. For the past 10 years or so, I've only wished for one thing. The same thing. For 10 years.
This year I wish for things to be different - but it seems like things aren't going to work out either.
Firstly, I spent my birthdays alone. I want some accompaniment this year, and I forced my way for it. Though, the company is just... well... just like any other day. Nothing special. Not even a midnight "happy birthday" from those I care for, actually.
Disappointing? Yeah, too many times till I'm numb.
Then there's the whole birthday gift thing. I know, I know. I have most of the things that I want already - but it's still nice to get something for lolz. Small gift as a memento.
It's just good to receive something after giving out so much and so many.
Good to know that I'm actually appreciated.
Good to know that there are people who care.
Good to know that I'm worthy enough.
Good to know that I'm actually in someone's mind and heart.
So that's the entire day of my 25th birthday. Quarter century old. Pretty lame.
Too late to do anything to change it now, I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I'll still do what I do. Some might say it's unhealthy, but that's just me. I'm selfless to the point where even those who who are close to me just don't really acknowledge me and my own things.
Birthdays aren't meant to be such a big fuss about, but it goes to show how much someone cares about you as an individual person. How much you mean to others. And I know, I'm too old to experience a proper birthday celebration now, but I still hope to have at least once.
That's just life. My life.
That's the bittersweet memories of early March.
And I absolutely have no hope in changing that.
Prove me wrong. I dare you.
25th birthday. 6th March 2018. Here's what happened.
Woke up to attend event. Gotta work, still. Jammed all the way to Nu Sentral for the Honor event. Got a lucky draw ticket with the number 115. Fair enough. Sat through the whole event and do my thing as usual. Lucky draw winners were number 114 and something else. Fuck.
Off to lunch. Thanks for the fish and chips - it tastes good!
Fetch someone to Damansara Perdana since it's on the way.
Then off to work the second round.
Work is still... the same as usual. ASUS delivered 4 slices of cake with a "happy birthday" stabby thing. Thanks a bunch. Seriously. I'm shy though.
Shy because this is like the first time I ever got such thing.
Then back to work again.
Once work is done (which is like 10pm) then everyone's leaving. Then I remembered - those 4 slices of cakes. Might as well eat it before we leave.
Then talked about stuff till midnight.
And that's about it. Nothing else.
Now, here's the thing. I never had any blowy candle cake birthday celebration before, actually. Yeah, I know. 25 years old and I have not experienced such things before.
That's the thing - my entire childhood is pretty much... uneventful with just shit all over the place.
I can't believe the someone who delivered the slices of cake to me just pointed out that I'm blushing. Yes I am, because it's the first time I had such a thing. Can't blame me for that, I guess.
Speaking of which, I don't even know if you get 1 or 3 wishes for birthdays. Superstition, I know - but it's still a fun thing to just do. For the past 10 years or so, I've only wished for one thing. The same thing. For 10 years.
This year I wish for things to be different - but it seems like things aren't going to work out either.
Firstly, I spent my birthdays alone. I want some accompaniment this year, and I forced my way for it. Though, the company is just... well... just like any other day. Nothing special. Not even a midnight "happy birthday" from those I care for, actually.
Disappointing? Yeah, too many times till I'm numb.
Then there's the whole birthday gift thing. I know, I know. I have most of the things that I want already - but it's still nice to get something for lolz. Small gift as a memento.
It's just good to receive something after giving out so much and so many.
Good to know that I'm actually appreciated.
Good to know that there are people who care.
Good to know that I'm worthy enough.
Good to know that I'm actually in someone's mind and heart.
So that's the entire day of my 25th birthday. Quarter century old. Pretty lame.
Too late to do anything to change it now, I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I'll still do what I do. Some might say it's unhealthy, but that's just me. I'm selfless to the point where even those who who are close to me just don't really acknowledge me and my own things.
Birthdays aren't meant to be such a big fuss about, but it goes to show how much someone cares about you as an individual person. How much you mean to others. And I know, I'm too old to experience a proper birthday celebration now, but I still hope to have at least once.
That's just life. My life.
That's the bittersweet memories of early March.
And I absolutely have no hope in changing that.
Prove me wrong. I dare you.
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