End of 2017 - One Personal Blog Post After Years

It's been long since I blogged. To be honest, I can say for sure that many things have changed. My skills in blogging (yes, it's a skill) together with everything that ties in with content creation has improved tremendously. That's something that I'm proud of, but perhaps the only thing I'm useful for.

My last blog post here is actually from 7/12/15. I guess things are still the same from before. I'm still having the same issues since the incident that took place sometime around May/June of 2015.

To be honest, I sort of expected the incident of May/June 2015. However, I got depressed eventually by just thinking about it. What happened since then was I managed to get over it temporarily but fall back into depression, then got over it again. Much like a sinusoidal wave where I just go up and down all the time.

The breaking point was this year's trip to Taiwan. It's a trip that I look forward to for a very long time.

A week before the trip. I had a project to do. Finished my dreadful hours at work and headed there to get it filmed. It was exciting, since it's the first time I've worked with someone else for videos after all. It was also one of my official collaboration with other site to create content.

It's fun. We had fun. Not sure why but I was compelled to offer them an alternative to get to the airport for the Taiwan trip. I was excited to the point where I got sad when I heard one of them didn't get the invite - but of course he eventually did.

Not sure why but it seems like the entire trip is pushing us together, trying to make things happen. My hotel room was cramped and claustrophobic. Their room had 3 single beds. We just spent our time during the trip following each other, taking pics and talking.

But then, during the 2nd day of the trip - 17th August 2017, the day the event takes place, two of us were sitting outside the venue. There was a row of unoccupied tables and chairs were put aside. No one was using that area. So I just took the chair for him and I so we could chill while waiting for others. I was hammering on the MacBook Air 11-inch mid-2013 like how I am hammering this blog post now. We did spam memes while I was hammering the post, too.

I looked around and hey - why's he sitting alone there? I snapped a pic and sent it back to him - for lulz. That picture triggered something in me. That feel from the incident of May/June of 2015. That's... weird. I thought I got that feeling tucked somewhere deep. I don't want to get depressed again because of that. I've had enough.

But no, the feeling was too strong. I proceeded to ask him. "Hey. Do you believe in best friends?" or something simiilar. I can't remember exactly. Not sure why I'm so compelled to ask that question during that time too.

It feels like... things were intertwined together at that critical moment and everything around us is pushing us together. I eventually get to find out a tragic story after the whole trip, but that's a story for another time, perhaps.

About a week after the trip, damn - I felt down to the point where I could keep quiet for a day or two without talking at all. Eventually, I did open up and talk a little. Went to a drinking session on the next Friday with another important person, talked about the whole thing. Talked about the general timeline and events that lead up to the incident of May/June 2015.

It was... pretty insane, I'd say. I ventured into the depths of bad memories in my mind - just to talk about it and finally get some sort of closure, hopefully. A week after that, I got a dinner invitation from someone who's involved in the incident of May/June 2015. That's funny.

I told her everything. Eventually, another call came. This time for a breakfast session on the next morning. Another one who's involved. Alright, let's go then. Again I told everything. I felt betrayed even more at this point of time.

They knew what happened, but the justification for not telling me is just... plain crap. They just chose not to tell me at all. When I found out and confirmed what happened during May/June of 2015, my heart fell apart. I was stabbed at the heart from the back and had the knife twisted - twice at the same time.

Then another call came - for lunch, this time with the one who caused the incident of May/June 2015.

A little preface - on that morning before the breakfast session, I had a weird dream. A dream where I was at a familiar place - much like my bathroom but larger. There were chains hanging from above, pipes and faucets sticking out of the wall and ground - but everything is covered in dark reddish-brown powder. It's rust.

Rust. Funny. I turned on the shower head, and it sprayed out bronze-colored water. Huh - rust water. I let it ran for a while and it eventually turned clear. I then used the clear water and sprayed some other parts of that rusted place, and I realized I was just washing away the rust dust layer. It seems like everything was just... deteriorated to the point where it became dust, but held together because no one touched it. Not even the wind breezed through it.

I was hesitant to attend that lunch session at first. I eventually talked to the "Do you believe in best friends?" guy and I got the guidance that this is something set up for me. It's for me to deal with my past. I guess it's time to do some plumbing and replace the rusted parts anyway.

Sure, the lunch was awkward at first. They knew what happened. No one talked about it. I didn't even talked or looked at them at first. Eventually they broke the ice and asked me about stuff. I just answered - professionally. I have my guards waaaaay up high. I do, however, have some sort of closure to this episode. That's all I can hope for, anyway.

When the lunch ended, I felt something in me just moved on. From an angry and depressed part of my heart now turned into an empty void. I know what this is. It's my search that I set out to fulfill 10 years ago. It's calling me to return to that search again, now that I've moved on from that episode.

But this time, it'll be the 4th attempt. I have lost all hope already. Seriously, 10 years, 3 failures. The last one was a drastic fail. There is no hope in me. Not one bit.

It also feels like... things are different this time. Things will be different this time. But damn, I tell that to myself during the 2nd and 3rd attempt too. See how that turned out?

Few weeks after the awkward lunch, more things happened. More "external forces" are pushing us both together, with more intertwining involved. This time, it's life-changing. Not to me, of course. I didn't know, actually.

When everything happened, I realized a few things. 4th attempt has started without me knowing. On the surface, I have already given up. I have zero confidence and zero hope to even take the first step to initiate the 4th attempt. But on the 17th of August. That one picture alone compelled me to initiate without hesitation. No idea why, but it just hapened.

There were more things happening around. "Challenges" presented itself to me. I took up all of the challenges. I think I did pretty well. Perhaps beyond the expectation of the one who set up these challenges for me, too.

With that said, I soldiered on. To a point where I had lots of self-doubt. I'm always overthinking things - and you know where this is going. Am I doing this right? Will history repeat itself? Will I fail once again? Is there even any hope left? Why am I even trying?

After a few weeks of that lengthy and difficult battle with my internal self, I somehow got passed it. Continued doing what I do, albeit that I still have zero confidence in what I do. Why do others even believe in me anyway?

Fast forward till later. I finally got to hear what I needed to hear.
The reassurance.
My therapy.
Clearance of doubt.
Instillation of confidence.
The motivation that I need.

Not sure if that's muttered only to have me to get out of that depressed and self-doubting mode just to make me happy, or it's from the bottom of the heart.

I've always been a skeptical guy with an overthinking mind.

That's why reassurance is important for me.

To many, that's a recipe for disaster - and I agree. But that's how I come up with great content, too. Doubt everything, do my own research and find out the flaws. I had a piece where it surprised people, actually.

Either way, these 4 months have been a crazy roller coaster. Lots have changed. Lots have happened. All for the better. I hope it's not only better for me, but for you too.

Cheers for a magnificent 2018. Together, we can make it happen.

Will this be the end of my decade-old search? I hope so. I seriously hope so. I'm dead tired to continue on this search, actually.

2018 will be a crazy year. I'm ready for whatever craziness it brings. Bring it on. On a side note - Facebook, why you gotta this up? As if my life isn't already meaningless enough.

Keeping myself together

Times have been rocky, but not bad at least in terms of relationship. I finally sorted my shit together this time.

I think I've said it before, but this is probably the time again that I'll say it again. I have to learn everything that has got to do with life and relationships again. Specifically, those knowledge that are supposed to be learned since the days of secondary school. I never did for obvious reasons really, and it took a toll on my obviously. Though I'm not complaining - to be honest, I'm merely just pointing things out.

Now, I'm not saying that those things are about love or anything related, but to learn about friendship at that time period - better yet, learn about friendship with another close friend and develop each other. It's an opportunity I can never get again.

Then again, this is the life I live in now. After so many years I can say that "best friend" is only an illusion - and it doesn't exist at all. Worse, the illusion doesn't even exist at all. At least to me.

Seriously, the best time to grow closer to someone is grow and develop career and the mind together. That's the best. And I missed my chance. Didn't even know I had that chance in the first place.

I can assure you that everyone I know now are pretty much settled with life and got this sort of thing settled down nicely with a thick layer of dust - and that's how they leave out people like me. And people like me are those rare outcasts to have a void. Either suck it all up and guess what unwritten rules and knowledge that everyone already know, or just fuck it completely.

This really affected on how I socialize and make friends and maintaining friends, and certainly have no idea how to develop and have the so-called "best friends".

#StoryOfMyLife probably. Too soon to tell, but there's already a big gap here. Bummer, but I'm gonna suck it all up and not care about everything already. I'm getting too old for this shit.

Friendship - revisited

It's been hellishly long since I last updated this blog LOL.
I guess now is a pretty good time to update, so here goes!

First off, I realize some people are really unpredictable, but then again once you get it right, there's a pattern emerging. I seem to be invisible to them, and I am only visible when they have no one else to go to.
No matter how much I tried or helped or plainly just tried to chat, I just get ignored all the way. Well, screw you too.

There's where this revisited comes by.
Over the past year I've come to my own mindset of one particular method on making friends that lasts long without even failing.
I just have to follow this sequence.

1. Be my true self. No masks.
2. Show off only the truly bad part of myself. If they really do want to be my friend, then they just won't simply abandon me or ignore me. I'll still be in their hearts and minds.
3. Once my true bad part of myself is shown and they did not abandon or ignore me, show off my entire true self - including my true honesty, kindness, and care.

Believe it or not, I overheard someone gossiping about me and I believe that this is very true.

Why?

Because it really shows off who accepts me for who I am, without having me to put on a mask to impress you, then for you to accept my mask and not for who I am masked as.

I can lose way less friends and get hurt a lot less.

Even more beneficial is that I don't have to socialize as much with strangers, and doing annoyingly blind favours for those that won't even talk to me again after whatever they needed was done.

Realizing this was a total boon for me. Yes, I might be a bitch at first. First step is the most difficult one ever, no?

Shields up, do not simply let anyone to come in and take advantage of my and myself.

Prove yourself, and I will let you in.

I believe your efforts in proving yourself are worthy enough for you to not betray or hurt me once I let you in.

I believe that from outside my shield, everyone saw me as a monster.

But I believe that you see my differently.

And I believe you prove yourself because you felt something in me.

With that, I believe I opened my shield for you - a friend - to come in.

I believe we have a mutually understanding, a mutual believe in each other.

I believe we will not stab each other in the back, or in front of each other.

I believe.

Wish I realized this a lot sooner though.

A year in recap (2013)

This is definitely going to be more than a year, that's for sure. There are a few particular highlights that I can't overlook.

Janaury 2013

You know how it is when someone breaks your heart for the third time? Well, this is the time - the third time. It's something that I don't clearly know what I did wrong - or was it if the other person was the one to blame.

In any case, it's just the gloomiest, most depressing time in my entire life. I couldn't find anything wrong, and I can't find any errors in it either.

March 2013

It takes some time for a broken heart to love again. I did get myself out there again, but obviously a lot different from who I was before. It's amazing what a month or two in solace can do to a human.

Through the months passed through 2013, I learned to love and learned what and how to ignore the people over and over again. The introversion inside of me can never be ignored, and most definitely cannot even be suppressed. Of course I can use the workaround and try to socialize for some time, but it obviously wouldn't work for an extended period of time.

Some nearby time

I'd like to point out too that during the 2nd semester of 2013 was some time that I'm somewhat worried and confused. Being separated by those I became close with wasn't something I'm looking forward to. Each time that happened in the end, it ends up being separated forever instead.

So yes, the 2nd semester was... I'd say a little off beat. I did plan up a Christmas gathering for everyone and was well surprised unexpectedly by a card with everyone's wishes and also a camera strap. 

Sorry about the camera strap though, feels like I forced you to give the camera strap to me for free.

After Christmas... there wasn't much except that the total number of assignments I did for the 2nd semester was pretty much double the number of assignments I'm supposed to be doing. I did about 9 assignments out of the original 6. Maybe I was expecting something in return.

Again skipping ahead of time, here comes my birthday.

Before I begin, there's something I must tell you.

A best friend is very important to me and here's why - there are several reasons.

1. Seeing everyone having their best friends back since early secondary school days until today makes me feel very lonely.
2. I expect that my life wouldn't be the same old boring, lonely and empty life when I have a best friend.
3. At least a friend cares about me.

Now, let's move on.

March 6th 2014.

I never expected anything. Again this year I hid my birthday from any social stuff for an obvious reason.

1. I don't want my Facebook to be spammed with empty and insincere wishes, as if they're forced to wish me.
2. I don't have any of my previous birthdays celebrated by friends before.
3. I don't expect anyone to even remember it.
4. I don't expect anyone would go through the trouble to plan and celebrate my birthday.

Somehow I was wrong. All of the above was wrong.

This time around, something is totally different.

Everything changed.

1. There was someone who wished me a happy birthday before my birthday, and wished again when the clock hit 12.00am.
2. A surprise was planned, but a certain some fatty screwed it up.
3. People actually remembered, though I guessed they're those who are compelled to wish because someone else wished.
4. Someone went through the trouble to think and plan, and celebrated my birthday.

Obviously it didn't go as well as they wanted it to be, but it is something I'm really happy and proud about.

All I have to say is this.

Thank you to my best friend.

Let's just say that when I got the call asking where I was, my heart was somehow jumping up and about.

When they got to my house that night, I was dead happy.

When they sang the birthday song together, I wanted to cry.

The powerful emotion I felt when I had my first birthday celebration by friends.

NO PRESENT!!!!!! I sad - actually, not really sad, just some basic sad. But well, I know how hard it is for anyone to think of what to get for me that's for sure. I don't tell what I want, and anything I need, I'll get it myself. I'm pretty bottled up, aren't I?

Seriously, thank you to my best friend Mr Rotarykite. The way you gathered information or pinpointing my position and my schedule on that day was absolutely flawed. It's funny since it is your first time planning for a birthday surprise after all. And I'm happy to be your first! You still owe me a hug~~~

If there was anything I wanted to hear... It'll be this sentence.

"You're my best friend."

You better beware of your birthday. 

I'll show you how to gather information.

I'll show you how to plan it out nicely (activities not included)

I'll make you cry FOR SURE.

)

I'm glad to finally have a best friend. Hyphen Heights. It's been a year since then.

Now to endure the test of time? I don't think that's hard.

Cheers, here's to the coming years.

Win more stuff from contests, alright?

Till next time - or maybe the next year in recap again.

Well...

Did the mistake I caused a year ago just repeated itself?

It feels the same to me, but reality shows otherwise - or at least deceiving.

No proper expression of gratitude, then eventually I'm the one who break down again.

I don't want to go through that cycle again.

Most of all, I'm afraid of having you gone.

Maybe that's why I help others. And yet I expect something proper in return. A hug, some affirmation, some friendship love.

It's kind of sad to admit that I've never experienced friendship love before. Those that you care about each other and such.

I just want one genuine friendship as described.

..... some truth?

How do you feel when you leave school after SPM, and no one contacts you at all?
The only time those people ever came back to contact is when they need my "expertise".
Each time that happens, I take that as a chance to engage back with secondary school people.
And you know what? Each time, they just ask and then after that they disappear. Poof.
Not to mention that I get scolded when I try to explain something.
The most recent time was my fault for falling into a well-laid trap.
Helped someone assemble a PC for free, but I had to travel back and forth from Puchong for 4 times.
I was requested to travel back for the 5th time just to help him install Photoshop, but I've had enough of this bullshit.

Ever since I realized this harsh truth, a black hole grew within me, within my heart.
I tried to steer the universe in my favour and obviously have failed 3 times actually.

How I steer the universe? By finding myself a best friend.

The 3 failed ones were surprisingly heart aching, you can feel the distance start to grow...
What happened next was less and less communication, and when the holidays came, the distance were few light years apart.
Didn't even say a simple "hi" during the holidays.
I'm not even referring to the long holiday during the year end, just the short two-week holiday.

This is the 4th time I tried to steer the universe in my favour.
It's looking pretty good, but the most feared thing is coming up.
I most certainly am worried.
What happens if again, distance grew and another few light years separate us again?
I don't want that to happen.

Let me ask you this - what do you feel when you're neglected or ignored?
I'm not referring to just anyone, I'm referring to your friend.
Your close friend.
Your best friend.

I tasted this bitter feel for many times.
I just want to know for sure that this won't happen to my best friend.

It's really heartbreaking when you're being thrown away by the person who is very important to you.
Almost feels like you're getting abandoned by your own parents.

I don't know if you can understand this but the reason why I'm so sensitive to these social things is because I've been thrown away too many times.
I grew tired of this bullshit.
Stop.
Each time I get thrown away, the worst part is that I have no one to go to.
I only have my own pillow to cry and soak my tears.

It's the time where I realize it's forever quality over quantity.
And quality is what I'm aiming for.

The black hole starts consuming me whenever possible.
I'm starting to cement that black hole, but I'm not sure that I can.
The ultimate test is marching forth.
I don't think I'm prepared for it...
I'm very afraid of rejection - that goes for being rejected, neglected or ignored.



It's something only time can tell.
I'll continue to steer the universe, if I can.




People also told me that since I have such issues, getting a girlfriend will solve it.
Hell no
Think about it.
If my relationship doesn't work out, then I'm totally on my own.
No external support, nothing.
For once, I think I'll go batshit insane.
This also contributes to the reason... why I need to seal up the black hole first.



And I thought this is supposed to be a "meet me halfway" thing.
Seems like I'm the one on pursuit to meet you at your doorstep.
Maybe I'm too blind to see the other 50%.



Things like these, it's always best to be told explicitly.
Indirect answers and hints just drive me crazy.
Also driving the black hole crazy.




"Don't you know that the heart is something can only be touched by others?"


It's something that can only be felt by you, but those feelings are caused by others.

Friendship - my opinion

Certainly friendship is something extraordinary. It's something that can only be felt when you have friends and you be with them.

There is another step beyond friendship where you attach the word "best" in front. This is a territory where not many treks but I think it's very important - and this is my opinion on why it is important.

Before that, I think best friends have something amazing that none other relationship has. You share love and care like a married couple does, but just without the sexually romantic thing and marriage. I think it's something wonderful that can happen to the person of the same gender or opposite gender. This is the true unconditional love.

Well life is like a room with separate doors for everyone. All are welcome to go in and out. When you go in, means you see introduced to that particular person, and you're no longer in contact when you leave. Simply analogy.

In life, twenty years old me have already met many people. Prior to my university though, they're all already gone. They left.

I was left bare lonely for 6 months straight after SPM. It does sound a little too extreme to be believable, and I don't blame you because you haven't been through it yourself.

Normal friends aren't those that you can simply share secrets with or seek their shoulder for you to cry on. Only best friends can. They'll listen, console and make you feel like you're the most wonderful thing that ever happened to their life.

However, normal friends, they're the ones that will come and go. 
Best friends are *ideally* - at least for me - those who won't leave. They jio you. They know you by heart - in an instant, without thinking.

Of course to be best friends you first have to be friends. And by that, I think I'm already very tired of reintroducing myself to everyone, then having my traits to be known by everyone else again and such.

So yeah... my best friends... I'm glad you're here.

Wtf...

God damn, I'm fucking 20 years old and I'm still fucking insecure about friendship. What the fuck man?
My biggest criteria to be a best friend to the world is to always be there for them, even when they're down or happy. Love and care unconditionally. My bony shoulder is always available for my best friends to cry on.

I also have trust issues. And that trust issue is with myself.

Are the things they say real? Is it not? I don't know.

Please don't leave me.

These... pulses of friendship insecurity has been repeating since forever...
Be gone, foul beast!

Sometimes

...

Sometimes I wish Facebook to never exist.
Why?

Because each time I browse around, I see things that makes me feel like a failure.
Particularly when someone else have memories of their high school life to show.
And yet they're in the same school and class as I am.

Another thing is when they have photos of their surprise birthday party. Damn I wish that even ONCE my birthday was celebrated. Just once.

It makes me feel all teary and sad when I saw those two things. It's something I can't "summon" to myself, and most definitely cannot force or even hint others to do it.

Guess I'll just drench in my own sorrow. Suck it up. That's life, right?

The void. The emptiness.

This is particularly something that has been bothering me since forever, but I can never get myself to tell anyone at all.

Let's start with the explanation. It's a void, an emptiness, that started to grow since the beginning of Form 4. Let's just use year 2009 as the reference.

The void spans for 2.5 years, from beginning of 2009 to mid-2011, the beginning of MMU.

The years of Form 1 to Form 3 is more like the years to get to know each other, and the remaining two years of Form 4 and Form 5 is to nurture and strengthen the bonds between each other, at least that's what I observed. I found it to be correct however as there are many living proofs.

Back to the void. In the days of 2009 and 2010... well let's just say I didn't have anyone to nurture and strengthen the bond with anyone at all. That pretty much left me to become a lone wolf for those remaining two years in secondary school.

I actually can explain why I'm such an obsessive and insecure little bugger when it comes to friendship - particularly about "best friend" part. 

Let's just say... it's either I forget about the entire 2.5 years (which means forgetting the entire "void" period) or just fill in the gap. I'm actually giving that option because I can't accept the cold fact that this actually happened. Seriously, I can't.

Forgetting is never going to happen, since constant reminder from the world about the void is always present... and the void just consumes everything I have each time that happens.

Filling in the gap is what I am constantly trying to do... but with unforeseen future... If I do have some good friends that... well... be my best friend and just fill in the entire 2.5 years, I'd be so happy that I can kiss someone. But then I know that's never going to happen, so it's a waste of time anyway.

Been on the search for best friends for... one... two... three.. four time... I lost count... but the main point is all of them failed. The only thing that motivates me to keep trying is the void itself. Ironic, since I'm trying to close it down, yet it's the only thing that keeps me moving forward.

Now however, I now have people that I can rely on, that is already filling in the 2.5 years gap... but once they leave, the gap will just go back to its original state... and I'm grateful. A shoulder to cry on or someone to celebrate successes with?

Hope this lasts forever, too. Everyone says, let it flow naturally. I don't think everything is that natural after all, and I will put effort in it, bending and manipulating it to my own will. I hope that this effort and feeling is mutual too...

One thing I can always do is just wear a mask to cover it all up, hopefully that mask will sink in, covering everything beneath it, lost and buried forever in the depths.