I'm a guy. Not so typical guy, thanks to my leg. I consider myself as an early-matured guy and because of this, I didn't blend in with my fellow classmates. Somehow I never met anyone with a similar case as mine, until last year.
Back in the days, I am the last one anyone would ever talk to. I became a person for others to express their emotions, like a psychologist. I gave everyone advice, hoping that they can get out of their problems.
Later, I became "the motivator" and I am still the final person to talk to. Being that, I became more and more lonely obviously, and became a full lone ranger. I started being an extreme introvert, handling myself and everything within my reach alone.
That's when this blog started to fill in with emotional stuff. The other day I logged in to my Evernote and I saw the things I got emotional about since 2010, yet I am still being emotional about it after all I've been through the 2 years. Let's refer it as issue X. It's a personal thing, but you can find out what it is in a few posts before this one.
Well guess what? I can't even get my mind straight about issue X. My past is a complete void other than helping people, yet this is at about Form 4 and Form 5. Any time before that is... Pretty much an empty void, and my childhood is completely empty no doubt.
The scars on my arm and leg reminds me that I did have a past, but an empty one. Scars since I was little. Surgery marks since I was 2. Injuries since I was 8.
The thing is, I know in my life I lived as a lone ranger for so long, I know how to subtly satisfy or at least try to satisfy everyone involved by myself. But the worst problem comes when you're no longer living alone.
While living alone, you don't have to bother about socializing, maintaining this and that. I'm exactly in this position. From a lone ranger to what I can call myself a socialite. I feel insecure. I don't know what friends are. I don't have anyone to tell everyone single pain.
When they all go back go their hometowns, everyone will find their secondary school friends. I should too but I have only two remaining, where one is at Australia. I don't have a close friend or a best friend, or at least I don't know how to read the signs. Again, I'm insecure, so tell me straight on if you are my close or best friend.
I always preached last time, "believe, and it will happen". I wonder what happened, I didn't practice it since ever. But recently another friend of mine reminded me about this.
If I practice this again, then I can make believe that I have one best friend, a few close friends and a handful of friends.
I rarely preached the theory of "circle of friends" since I think it is true but very offensive and ridiculous when I share it out, though I found numerous applications to this theory.
I used to say, "know yourself and everyone who likes you for who you are will be by your side forever, not for what you are". Now, the one who said it can't even decide if he's an ambidextrous or mixed-handed. What a hypocrite.
Transition from a lone ranger to a socialite is very bad for your mind. Truely stressful. Even with more pressure when you're an introvert. Makes you feel alone whenever everyone is gone, but feeling afraid when people wants to meet you.
That's all for this time. Can't sleep with this fancy biological clock of mine and my brain can't stop thinking, so I just wrote.
