My last blog post here is actually from 7/12/15. I guess things are still the same from before. I'm still having the same issues since the incident that took place sometime around May/June of 2015.
To be honest, I sort of expected the incident of May/June 2015. However, I got depressed eventually by just thinking about it. What happened since then was I managed to get over it temporarily but fall back into depression, then got over it again. Much like a sinusoidal wave where I just go up and down all the time.
The breaking point was this year's trip to Taiwan. It's a trip that I look forward to for a very long time.
A week before the trip. I had a project to do. Finished my dreadful hours at work and headed there to get it filmed. It was exciting, since it's the first time I've worked with someone else for videos after all. It was also one of my official collaboration with other site to create content.
It's fun. We had fun. Not sure why but I was compelled to offer them an alternative to get to the airport for the Taiwan trip. I was excited to the point where I got sad when I heard one of them didn't get the invite - but of course he eventually did.
Not sure why but it seems like the entire trip is pushing us together, trying to make things happen. My hotel room was cramped and claustrophobic. Their room had 3 single beds. We just spent our time during the trip following each other, taking pics and talking.
But then, during the 2nd day of the trip - 17th August 2017, the day the event takes place, two of us were sitting outside the venue. There was a row of unoccupied tables and chairs were put aside. No one was using that area. So I just took the chair for him and I so we could chill while waiting for others. I was hammering on the MacBook Air 11-inch mid-2013 like how I am hammering this blog post now. We did spam memes while I was hammering the post, too.
I looked around and hey - why's he sitting alone there? I snapped a pic and sent it back to him - for lulz. That picture triggered something in me. That feel from the incident of May/June of 2015. That's... weird. I thought I got that feeling tucked somewhere deep. I don't want to get depressed again because of that. I've had enough.
But no, the feeling was too strong. I proceeded to ask him. "Hey. Do you believe in best friends?" or something simiilar. I can't remember exactly. Not sure why I'm so compelled to ask that question during that time too.
It feels like... things were intertwined together at that critical moment and everything around us is pushing us together. I eventually get to find out a tragic story after the whole trip, but that's a story for another time, perhaps.
About a week after the trip, damn - I felt down to the point where I could keep quiet for a day or two without talking at all. Eventually, I did open up and talk a little. Went to a drinking session on the next Friday with another important person, talked about the whole thing. Talked about the general timeline and events that lead up to the incident of May/June 2015.
It was... pretty insane, I'd say. I ventured into the depths of bad memories in my mind - just to talk about it and finally get some sort of closure, hopefully. A week after that, I got a dinner invitation from someone who's involved in the incident of May/June 2015. That's funny.
I told her everything. Eventually, another call came. This time for a breakfast session on the next morning. Another one who's involved. Alright, let's go then. Again I told everything. I felt betrayed even more at this point of time.
They knew what happened, but the justification for not telling me is just... plain crap. They just chose not to tell me at all. When I found out and confirmed what happened during May/June of 2015, my heart fell apart. I was stabbed at the heart from the back and had the knife twisted - twice at the same time.
Then another call came - for lunch, this time with the one who caused the incident of May/June 2015.
A little preface - on that morning before the breakfast session, I had a weird dream. A dream where I was at a familiar place - much like my bathroom but larger. There were chains hanging from above, pipes and faucets sticking out of the wall and ground - but everything is covered in dark reddish-brown powder. It's rust.
Rust. Funny. I turned on the shower head, and it sprayed out bronze-colored water. Huh - rust water. I let it ran for a while and it eventually turned clear. I then used the clear water and sprayed some other parts of that rusted place, and I realized I was just washing away the rust dust layer. It seems like everything was just... deteriorated to the point where it became dust, but held together because no one touched it. Not even the wind breezed through it.
I was hesitant to attend that lunch session at first. I eventually talked to the "Do you believe in best friends?" guy and I got the guidance that this is something set up for me. It's for me to deal with my past. I guess it's time to do some plumbing and replace the rusted parts anyway.
Sure, the lunch was awkward at first. They knew what happened. No one talked about it. I didn't even talked or looked at them at first. Eventually they broke the ice and asked me about stuff. I just answered - professionally. I have my guards waaaaay up high. I do, however, have some sort of closure to this episode. That's all I can hope for, anyway.
When the lunch ended, I felt something in me just moved on. From an angry and depressed part of my heart now turned into an empty void. I know what this is. It's my search that I set out to fulfill 10 years ago. It's calling me to return to that search again, now that I've moved on from that episode.
But this time, it'll be the 4th attempt. I have lost all hope already. Seriously, 10 years, 3 failures. The last one was a drastic fail. There is no hope in me. Not one bit.
It also feels like... things are different this time. Things will be different this time. But damn, I tell that to myself during the 2nd and 3rd attempt too. See how that turned out?
Few weeks after the awkward lunch, more things happened. More "external forces" are pushing us both together, with more intertwining involved. This time, it's life-changing. Not to me, of course. I didn't know, actually.
When everything happened, I realized a few things. 4th attempt has started without me knowing. On the surface, I have already given up. I have zero confidence and zero hope to even take the first step to initiate the 4th attempt. But on the 17th of August. That one picture alone compelled me to initiate without hesitation. No idea why, but it just hapened.
There were more things happening around. "Challenges" presented itself to me. I took up all of the challenges. I think I did pretty well. Perhaps beyond the expectation of the one who set up these challenges for me, too.
With that said, I soldiered on. To a point where I had lots of self-doubt. I'm always overthinking things - and you know where this is going. Am I doing this right? Will history repeat itself? Will I fail once again? Is there even any hope left? Why am I even trying?
After a few weeks of that lengthy and difficult battle with my internal self, I somehow got passed it. Continued doing what I do, albeit that I still have zero confidence in what I do. Why do others even believe in me anyway?
Fast forward till later. I finally got to hear what I needed to hear.
The reassurance.
My therapy.
Clearance of doubt.
Instillation of confidence.
The motivation that I need.
Not sure if that's muttered only to have me to get out of that depressed and self-doubting mode just to make me happy, or it's from the bottom of the heart.
I've always been a skeptical guy with an overthinking mind.
That's why reassurance is important for me.
To many, that's a recipe for disaster - and I agree. But that's how I come up with great content, too. Doubt everything, do my own research and find out the flaws. I had a piece where it surprised people, actually.
Either way, these 4 months have been a crazy roller coaster. Lots have changed. Lots have happened. All for the better. I hope it's not only better for me, but for you too.
Cheers for a magnificent 2018. Together, we can make it happen.
Will this be the end of my decade-old search? I hope so. I seriously hope so. I'm dead tired to continue on this search, actually.
2018 will be a crazy year. I'm ready for whatever craziness it brings. Bring it on. On a side note - Facebook, why you gotta this up? As if my life isn't already meaningless enough.
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