It's something really personal

Each time I'm updating here means that I'm not really feeling good.
Yeah, it's been quite a few weeks since I last felt good, actually.
Have been sleeping a lot too - a sign of depression.

Things have been weird.

It's something personal that I usually just suck it up and dismiss it. From the past experience, I know this isn't something healthy to do. So, I guess I'll make a little change this time - though I doubt it'll do any difference at all.

It's about my leg. My right leg. This little fucked up leg. It's caused me enough issues. To be honest, sometimes I wonder if it's better to just amputate it and get a bionic leg instead - if the technology is up for it.

I've got a lot of things to talk about this leg. It's late now - or very early, depending on how you see it. Perhaps next time, if this no good feeling still looms over me.

Still, it's something personal that I doubt others will even understand. That is, if those other people even bother to try to understand.

No one really cares for me to the extent that I care for others.

And hey, the list of things to do here in this link is quite good.

Finding the reason why these things happened

Before I begin, I just want to highlight something. Recently, I found out a way to break overthinking - that is to lay out everything and analyze the whole situation. That's what meditation is for - and this space here has become... my space to lay everything out.

Seems fair, because it's my blog after all. This is a blog, by the way. NLT is my main site - not a blogger. I make impacts on the company that I work with. I influence minds.

Ironically, I can't influence my own mind. I know I've been going on and repeating this issue for many times, but I think I finally know more reasons why it happens. And how to stop it.

People say that we adults are actually the result of our past. Our childhood. Our past experiences. I actually somewhat agree to this. As people get older, their personal touch is lost and gates to their personal life are closed. Which means as you get older, you have less new people that are close to you.

I can quite confirm that the reason why I began my 10-year quest to search for a best friend. It's from my brother. His best friend and he are friends since they were still kids - probably before I was even born. They're friends for more than 20 years - and they're only 30 years old now.

Yes. I was jealous. I still am jealous now, actually. I only began the search when I was... 14 or so.

Years have passed since the search began. It made me become a person who actually pick and choose people so meticulously that I only have a handful of people I can truly help. And for those I truly help, I do it in a complete package. From top to bottom. Literally take away the task and do it entirely for them. If I think someone is worth the extra effort, I'll proactively help them as well.

Which what led to my demise with the Note 4 guy. I was being used. Being taken advantage.

I won't even stop if the task is incomplete. I don't care if it's my own task or it's something that I'm just helping out. A task is a task, and I have to complete it. Else, I get anxious and restless.

Still not sure what it means by "giving chance", but if my preconception is correct, it means by giving a window of opportunity to others to help me back. How I work is simple - you want me to give you chance, then you have to proactively rob it from me, or tell me outright.

Now, however, I wonder how things have come to be.
Sometimes I wonder if my 10-year quest is still going on, or has it ended already?
I get the feeling of underappreciated, not thanked, not loved, and generally just ignored.
Sometimes it feels like I'm being pushed away.
Sometimes, it felt like I'm being used. Again.
Perhaps it's a test of time.
But I'm losing patience.
I'm desperate to make up for the time I lost.

I'm a quarter century old now, yet I still can't get this right.

Perhaps I'm fated to not have this.

Life sure does feels lonely.

25th Birthday

Welcome to the quarter-life crisis! I have to say, my quarter-life crisis is not the usual one out there. Birthdays aren't my thing, because I personally didn't get to experience a proper birthday celebration before.

25th birthday. 6th March 2018. Here's what happened.

Woke up to attend event. Gotta work, still. Jammed all the way to Nu Sentral for the Honor event. Got a lucky draw ticket with the number 115. Fair enough. Sat through the whole event and do my thing as usual. Lucky draw winners were number 114 and something else. Fuck.

Off to lunch. Thanks for the fish and chips - it tastes good!

Fetch someone to Damansara Perdana since it's on the way.
Then off to work the second round.

Work is still... the same as usual. ASUS delivered 4 slices of cake with a "happy birthday" stabby thing. Thanks a bunch. Seriously. I'm shy though.

Shy because this is like the first time I ever got such thing.

Then back to work again.

Once work is done (which is like 10pm) then everyone's leaving. Then I remembered - those 4 slices of cakes. Might as well eat it before we leave.

Then talked about stuff till midnight.

And that's about it. Nothing else.

---

Now, here's the thing. I never had any blowy candle cake birthday celebration before, actually. Yeah, I know. 25 years old and I have not experienced such things before.
That's the thing - my entire childhood is pretty much... uneventful with just shit all over the place.

I can't believe the someone who delivered the slices of cake to me just pointed out that I'm blushing. Yes I am, because it's the first time I had such a thing. Can't blame me for that, I guess.

Speaking of which, I don't even know if you get 1 or 3 wishes for birthdays. Superstition, I know - but it's still a fun thing to just do. For the past 10 years or so, I've only wished for one thing. The same thing. For 10 years.
This year I wish for things to be different - but it seems like things aren't going to work out either.

Firstly, I spent my birthdays alone. I want some accompaniment this year, and I forced my way for it. Though, the company is just... well... just like any other day. Nothing special. Not even a midnight "happy birthday" from those I care for, actually.
Disappointing? Yeah, too many times till I'm numb.

Then there's the whole birthday gift thing. I know, I know. I have most of the things that I want already - but it's still nice to get something for lolz. Small gift as a memento.
It's just good to receive something after giving out so much and so many.

Good to know that I'm actually appreciated.
Good to know that there are people who care.
Good to know that I'm worthy enough.
Good to know that I'm actually in someone's mind and heart.

So that's the entire day of my 25th birthday. Quarter century old. Pretty lame.
Too late to do anything to change it now, I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'll still do what I do. Some might say it's unhealthy, but that's just me. I'm selfless to the point where even those who who are close to me just don't really acknowledge me and my own things.

Birthdays aren't meant to be such a big fuss about, but it goes to show how much someone cares about you as an individual person. How much you mean to others. And I know, I'm too old to experience a proper birthday celebration now, but I still hope to have at least once.

That's just life. My life.
That's the bittersweet memories of early March.
And I absolutely have no hope in changing that.
Prove me wrong. I dare you.

The issue is bigger than I want to admit

It's a little abrupt. I guess the thing that happened back in 2015 is way more significant than how I admit it would be. Perhaps lies and betrayal from my so-called "best friend" and the bunch of close friends are just too much.

Yeah, I know, I've been on this topic for quite a lot of time.

It's too much to the point that I can't comprehend, and end up not seeing and admitting how much it has affected me. Though on the path of recovery, I still can't really get over it, still.

This is the reason why I have trust issues. I keep my guard up. I'm just way too sensitive to any sort of lie or potential betrayal.

Guess I'll need more time dealing with this. Takes lots of encouragement, reassurance, and patience.



Time is funny indeed. When people say "time fixes everything", actually you can see it the other way around too. "Time destroys everything". It's true, time passes no matter what you did or did not do.

Though, it's a lazy way of explaining what really happened. If there's tension in the air and you let it be, then it'll grow as time goes by. Later, you'll feel like "oh, it's been way too long. Let's not dwell into that", and never clear the tension. Then, it'll end up as "time destroying your relationship".

Or perhaps you consistently work for something. Then time does work in your favour, given that you don't fuck things up.

Speaking of time, it's the night with moonlight shining in my room again. It's been more than a year since I last saw moonlight in my bedroom.

Work. Work? Work!

Here's the funny thing. Since I "resigned" from IBM, in less than a month, I was counter-offered. Kinda crazy considering the fact that I sleep in front of my manager every single day without fail. Even she respects my sleeping time and only communicate with me after I woke up.

So the counter-offer was simple. Since the company is having a hiring freeze, there was no replacement for a crucial account that the team is handling. I was offered to take up the account entirely without touching any other accounts and I can "work from home". Essentially, I'm a free man.

Or so I thought. Now I'm getting calls to join meetings and to step in to assist other accounts that I used to support. Why? Lack of resource, that's why.

Well, that's fine and all... but considering the fact that the other part is growing too, things are really getting out of hand.

Chinese New Year was supposed to be a time where I can kick back a little and enjoy some time to relax. No work, no calls, no messages about work, no talking about work. I guess that's never going to happen, as work just keeps piling up by the hour.

Seriously, there was this university mates gathering that I attended, ended up talking about websites, social media, marketing, and SEO instead. I just wanna sit down and have a good time.

I can't taichi to anyone else either. No one else is available during that time. Only me.
And I understand it's CNY, don't want to disturb others as well. Let them have their fun.

There's no one to back me up ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Guess I'm just burned out.

Honestly, it's going to get even busier in March. I just hope things go well. I'll do whatever it takes to make things go well and keep everyone happy.

Speaking of March, birthday is coming up. Yaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy. Presumably, it'll be another day full of work - not that I mind since there's no time to be wasted.
6th March.Thinking back, I've been praying and wishing for the same thing on my birthday for a decade already. At least this time I don't have to wish for the same thing like any other birthdays in the past, I hope.

End of 2017 - One Personal Blog Post After Years

It's been long since I blogged. To be honest, I can say for sure that many things have changed. My skills in blogging (yes, it's a skill) together with everything that ties in with content creation has improved tremendously. That's something that I'm proud of, but perhaps the only thing I'm useful for.

My last blog post here is actually from 7/12/15. I guess things are still the same from before. I'm still having the same issues since the incident that took place sometime around May/June of 2015.

To be honest, I sort of expected the incident of May/June 2015. However, I got depressed eventually by just thinking about it. What happened since then was I managed to get over it temporarily but fall back into depression, then got over it again. Much like a sinusoidal wave where I just go up and down all the time.

The breaking point was this year's trip to Taiwan. It's a trip that I look forward to for a very long time.

A week before the trip. I had a project to do. Finished my dreadful hours at work and headed there to get it filmed. It was exciting, since it's the first time I've worked with someone else for videos after all. It was also one of my official collaboration with other site to create content.

It's fun. We had fun. Not sure why but I was compelled to offer them an alternative to get to the airport for the Taiwan trip. I was excited to the point where I got sad when I heard one of them didn't get the invite - but of course he eventually did.

Not sure why but it seems like the entire trip is pushing us together, trying to make things happen. My hotel room was cramped and claustrophobic. Their room had 3 single beds. We just spent our time during the trip following each other, taking pics and talking.

But then, during the 2nd day of the trip - 17th August 2017, the day the event takes place, two of us were sitting outside the venue. There was a row of unoccupied tables and chairs were put aside. No one was using that area. So I just took the chair for him and I so we could chill while waiting for others. I was hammering on the MacBook Air 11-inch mid-2013 like how I am hammering this blog post now. We did spam memes while I was hammering the post, too.

I looked around and hey - why's he sitting alone there? I snapped a pic and sent it back to him - for lulz. That picture triggered something in me. That feel from the incident of May/June of 2015. That's... weird. I thought I got that feeling tucked somewhere deep. I don't want to get depressed again because of that. I've had enough.

But no, the feeling was too strong. I proceeded to ask him. "Hey. Do you believe in best friends?" or something simiilar. I can't remember exactly. Not sure why I'm so compelled to ask that question during that time too.

It feels like... things were intertwined together at that critical moment and everything around us is pushing us together. I eventually get to find out a tragic story after the whole trip, but that's a story for another time, perhaps.

About a week after the trip, damn - I felt down to the point where I could keep quiet for a day or two without talking at all. Eventually, I did open up and talk a little. Went to a drinking session on the next Friday with another important person, talked about the whole thing. Talked about the general timeline and events that lead up to the incident of May/June 2015.

It was... pretty insane, I'd say. I ventured into the depths of bad memories in my mind - just to talk about it and finally get some sort of closure, hopefully. A week after that, I got a dinner invitation from someone who's involved in the incident of May/June 2015. That's funny.

I told her everything. Eventually, another call came. This time for a breakfast session on the next morning. Another one who's involved. Alright, let's go then. Again I told everything. I felt betrayed even more at this point of time.

They knew what happened, but the justification for not telling me is just... plain crap. They just chose not to tell me at all. When I found out and confirmed what happened during May/June of 2015, my heart fell apart. I was stabbed at the heart from the back and had the knife twisted - twice at the same time.

Then another call came - for lunch, this time with the one who caused the incident of May/June 2015.

A little preface - on that morning before the breakfast session, I had a weird dream. A dream where I was at a familiar place - much like my bathroom but larger. There were chains hanging from above, pipes and faucets sticking out of the wall and ground - but everything is covered in dark reddish-brown powder. It's rust.

Rust. Funny. I turned on the shower head, and it sprayed out bronze-colored water. Huh - rust water. I let it ran for a while and it eventually turned clear. I then used the clear water and sprayed some other parts of that rusted place, and I realized I was just washing away the rust dust layer. It seems like everything was just... deteriorated to the point where it became dust, but held together because no one touched it. Not even the wind breezed through it.

I was hesitant to attend that lunch session at first. I eventually talked to the "Do you believe in best friends?" guy and I got the guidance that this is something set up for me. It's for me to deal with my past. I guess it's time to do some plumbing and replace the rusted parts anyway.

Sure, the lunch was awkward at first. They knew what happened. No one talked about it. I didn't even talked or looked at them at first. Eventually they broke the ice and asked me about stuff. I just answered - professionally. I have my guards waaaaay up high. I do, however, have some sort of closure to this episode. That's all I can hope for, anyway.

When the lunch ended, I felt something in me just moved on. From an angry and depressed part of my heart now turned into an empty void. I know what this is. It's my search that I set out to fulfill 10 years ago. It's calling me to return to that search again, now that I've moved on from that episode.

But this time, it'll be the 4th attempt. I have lost all hope already. Seriously, 10 years, 3 failures. The last one was a drastic fail. There is no hope in me. Not one bit.

It also feels like... things are different this time. Things will be different this time. But damn, I tell that to myself during the 2nd and 3rd attempt too. See how that turned out?

Few weeks after the awkward lunch, more things happened. More "external forces" are pushing us both together, with more intertwining involved. This time, it's life-changing. Not to me, of course. I didn't know, actually.

When everything happened, I realized a few things. 4th attempt has started without me knowing. On the surface, I have already given up. I have zero confidence and zero hope to even take the first step to initiate the 4th attempt. But on the 17th of August. That one picture alone compelled me to initiate without hesitation. No idea why, but it just hapened.

There were more things happening around. "Challenges" presented itself to me. I took up all of the challenges. I think I did pretty well. Perhaps beyond the expectation of the one who set up these challenges for me, too.

With that said, I soldiered on. To a point where I had lots of self-doubt. I'm always overthinking things - and you know where this is going. Am I doing this right? Will history repeat itself? Will I fail once again? Is there even any hope left? Why am I even trying?

After a few weeks of that lengthy and difficult battle with my internal self, I somehow got passed it. Continued doing what I do, albeit that I still have zero confidence in what I do. Why do others even believe in me anyway?

Fast forward till later. I finally got to hear what I needed to hear.
The reassurance.
My therapy.
Clearance of doubt.
Instillation of confidence.
The motivation that I need.

Not sure if that's muttered only to have me to get out of that depressed and self-doubting mode just to make me happy, or it's from the bottom of the heart.

I've always been a skeptical guy with an overthinking mind.

That's why reassurance is important for me.

To many, that's a recipe for disaster - and I agree. But that's how I come up with great content, too. Doubt everything, do my own research and find out the flaws. I had a piece where it surprised people, actually.

Either way, these 4 months have been a crazy roller coaster. Lots have changed. Lots have happened. All for the better. I hope it's not only better for me, but for you too.

Cheers for a magnificent 2018. Together, we can make it happen.

Will this be the end of my decade-old search? I hope so. I seriously hope so. I'm dead tired to continue on this search, actually.

2018 will be a crazy year. I'm ready for whatever craziness it brings. Bring it on. On a side note - Facebook, why you gotta this up? As if my life isn't already meaningless enough.

Keeping myself together

Times have been rocky, but not bad at least in terms of relationship. I finally sorted my shit together this time.

I think I've said it before, but this is probably the time again that I'll say it again. I have to learn everything that has got to do with life and relationships again. Specifically, those knowledge that are supposed to be learned since the days of secondary school. I never did for obvious reasons really, and it took a toll on my obviously. Though I'm not complaining - to be honest, I'm merely just pointing things out.

Now, I'm not saying that those things are about love or anything related, but to learn about friendship at that time period - better yet, learn about friendship with another close friend and develop each other. It's an opportunity I can never get again.

Then again, this is the life I live in now. After so many years I can say that "best friend" is only an illusion - and it doesn't exist at all. Worse, the illusion doesn't even exist at all. At least to me.

Seriously, the best time to grow closer to someone is grow and develop career and the mind together. That's the best. And I missed my chance. Didn't even know I had that chance in the first place.

I can assure you that everyone I know now are pretty much settled with life and got this sort of thing settled down nicely with a thick layer of dust - and that's how they leave out people like me. And people like me are those rare outcasts to have a void. Either suck it all up and guess what unwritten rules and knowledge that everyone already know, or just fuck it completely.

This really affected on how I socialize and make friends and maintaining friends, and certainly have no idea how to develop and have the so-called "best friends".

#StoryOfMyLife probably. Too soon to tell, but there's already a big gap here. Bummer, but I'm gonna suck it all up and not care about everything already. I'm getting too old for this shit.

Friendship - revisited

It's been hellishly long since I last updated this blog LOL.
I guess now is a pretty good time to update, so here goes!

First off, I realize some people are really unpredictable, but then again once you get it right, there's a pattern emerging. I seem to be invisible to them, and I am only visible when they have no one else to go to.
No matter how much I tried or helped or plainly just tried to chat, I just get ignored all the way. Well, screw you too.

There's where this revisited comes by.
Over the past year I've come to my own mindset of one particular method on making friends that lasts long without even failing.
I just have to follow this sequence.

1. Be my true self. No masks.
2. Show off only the truly bad part of myself. If they really do want to be my friend, then they just won't simply abandon me or ignore me. I'll still be in their hearts and minds.
3. Once my true bad part of myself is shown and they did not abandon or ignore me, show off my entire true self - including my true honesty, kindness, and care.

Believe it or not, I overheard someone gossiping about me and I believe that this is very true.

Why?

Because it really shows off who accepts me for who I am, without having me to put on a mask to impress you, then for you to accept my mask and not for who I am masked as.

I can lose way less friends and get hurt a lot less.

Even more beneficial is that I don't have to socialize as much with strangers, and doing annoyingly blind favours for those that won't even talk to me again after whatever they needed was done.

Realizing this was a total boon for me. Yes, I might be a bitch at first. First step is the most difficult one ever, no?

Shields up, do not simply let anyone to come in and take advantage of my and myself.

Prove yourself, and I will let you in.

I believe your efforts in proving yourself are worthy enough for you to not betray or hurt me once I let you in.

I believe that from outside my shield, everyone saw me as a monster.

But I believe that you see my differently.

And I believe you prove yourself because you felt something in me.

With that, I believe I opened my shield for you - a friend - to come in.

I believe we have a mutually understanding, a mutual believe in each other.

I believe we will not stab each other in the back, or in front of each other.

I believe.

Wish I realized this a lot sooner though.

A year in recap (2013)

This is definitely going to be more than a year, that's for sure. There are a few particular highlights that I can't overlook.

Janaury 2013

You know how it is when someone breaks your heart for the third time? Well, this is the time - the third time. It's something that I don't clearly know what I did wrong - or was it if the other person was the one to blame.

In any case, it's just the gloomiest, most depressing time in my entire life. I couldn't find anything wrong, and I can't find any errors in it either.

March 2013

It takes some time for a broken heart to love again. I did get myself out there again, but obviously a lot different from who I was before. It's amazing what a month or two in solace can do to a human.

Through the months passed through 2013, I learned to love and learned what and how to ignore the people over and over again. The introversion inside of me can never be ignored, and most definitely cannot even be suppressed. Of course I can use the workaround and try to socialize for some time, but it obviously wouldn't work for an extended period of time.

Some nearby time

I'd like to point out too that during the 2nd semester of 2013 was some time that I'm somewhat worried and confused. Being separated by those I became close with wasn't something I'm looking forward to. Each time that happened in the end, it ends up being separated forever instead.

So yes, the 2nd semester was... I'd say a little off beat. I did plan up a Christmas gathering for everyone and was well surprised unexpectedly by a card with everyone's wishes and also a camera strap. 

Sorry about the camera strap though, feels like I forced you to give the camera strap to me for free.

After Christmas... there wasn't much except that the total number of assignments I did for the 2nd semester was pretty much double the number of assignments I'm supposed to be doing. I did about 9 assignments out of the original 6. Maybe I was expecting something in return.

Again skipping ahead of time, here comes my birthday.

Before I begin, there's something I must tell you.

A best friend is very important to me and here's why - there are several reasons.

1. Seeing everyone having their best friends back since early secondary school days until today makes me feel very lonely.
2. I expect that my life wouldn't be the same old boring, lonely and empty life when I have a best friend.
3. At least a friend cares about me.

Now, let's move on.

March 6th 2014.

I never expected anything. Again this year I hid my birthday from any social stuff for an obvious reason.

1. I don't want my Facebook to be spammed with empty and insincere wishes, as if they're forced to wish me.
2. I don't have any of my previous birthdays celebrated by friends before.
3. I don't expect anyone to even remember it.
4. I don't expect anyone would go through the trouble to plan and celebrate my birthday.

Somehow I was wrong. All of the above was wrong.

This time around, something is totally different.

Everything changed.

1. There was someone who wished me a happy birthday before my birthday, and wished again when the clock hit 12.00am.
2. A surprise was planned, but a certain some fatty screwed it up.
3. People actually remembered, though I guessed they're those who are compelled to wish because someone else wished.
4. Someone went through the trouble to think and plan, and celebrated my birthday.

Obviously it didn't go as well as they wanted it to be, but it is something I'm really happy and proud about.

All I have to say is this.

Thank you to my best friend.

Let's just say that when I got the call asking where I was, my heart was somehow jumping up and about.

When they got to my house that night, I was dead happy.

When they sang the birthday song together, I wanted to cry.

The powerful emotion I felt when I had my first birthday celebration by friends.

NO PRESENT!!!!!! I sad - actually, not really sad, just some basic sad. But well, I know how hard it is for anyone to think of what to get for me that's for sure. I don't tell what I want, and anything I need, I'll get it myself. I'm pretty bottled up, aren't I?

Seriously, thank you to my best friend Mr Rotarykite. The way you gathered information or pinpointing my position and my schedule on that day was absolutely flawed. It's funny since it is your first time planning for a birthday surprise after all. And I'm happy to be your first! You still owe me a hug~~~

If there was anything I wanted to hear... It'll be this sentence.

"You're my best friend."

You better beware of your birthday. 

I'll show you how to gather information.

I'll show you how to plan it out nicely (activities not included)

I'll make you cry FOR SURE.

)

I'm glad to finally have a best friend. Hyphen Heights. It's been a year since then.

Now to endure the test of time? I don't think that's hard.

Cheers, here's to the coming years.

Win more stuff from contests, alright?

Till next time - or maybe the next year in recap again.

Well...

Did the mistake I caused a year ago just repeated itself?

It feels the same to me, but reality shows otherwise - or at least deceiving.

No proper expression of gratitude, then eventually I'm the one who break down again.

I don't want to go through that cycle again.

Most of all, I'm afraid of having you gone.

Maybe that's why I help others. And yet I expect something proper in return. A hug, some affirmation, some friendship love.

It's kind of sad to admit that I've never experienced friendship love before. Those that you care about each other and such.

I just want one genuine friendship as described.