Yep. What I believed was proven to be true.
Sorry for my disturbance.
Wednesday, May 12, 2021
Friday, May 7, 2021
Ah...
The feeling of loneliness. It sets in.
With it comes demotivation and also the lack of motivation to even get out of bed.
It's not the first time I've experienced such a thing but I have no idea how to talk myself out of it every time.
It feels bad.
On a side note, happy birthday.
Monday, April 26, 2021
What I still believe might be true
Humans become more reserved and less adventurous as time goes by. The comfort zone starts to engulf our lives and it affects everything.
I believe that of all the things, making new friendships or just acquaintances is affected the most. We got too comfortable with the people we know now and never once try to reach out to someone new and say - hey, I like to make new friends and actually adhere to that principle.
Society celebrates "long friendship" too much to the point where people are flaunting around how long they've been friends with someone and undermining their newly-made friendship and given a tonne of pressure from the start. Can a flower ever flourish with something sitting on top of its seed?
Some people even think they're better than others and just ignored the possibility of that friendship.
Maybe I ruined my chances by the psychotic thoughts and actions I have. Or maybe I just need to understand myself better and control my actions. For all that I have realized, I'm impulsively destructive but superbly constructive if given enough care.
My little blog here is just a place for me to voice my thoughts. I don't see myself changing the perspective of the entire society with just this little blog, but it serves as a relief for this brain of mine.
Perhaps I'm depressed, perhaps I'm anxious, and maybe even suicidal. Whichever it is, I just want to feel happy again and have a reason and enough motivation to get out of my bed every morning.
P/S: Twitter sucks. Too little privacy and too much policing.
Sunday, April 25, 2021
feeling like I'm about to implode
Let's put everything out there first.
I'm fairly antisocial who just doesn't want to get out, but will still sometimes want to go out because I'm bored and want to see stuff.
I like being quiet and be alone but sometimes will be great if there's someone else.
This pandemic really puts things in perspective, though. And I'm starting to feel stuck.
I also enjoy working but as far as work goes, I sometimes feel like it's stalled out uninteresting or lost the motivation to work.
Since work is like the biggest part of my life, finding companionship is something that I do if I don't want to work.
And this feedback loop goes round again - I'm antisocial and don't want to go out to meet new people.
I've also never dated anyone before due to this. Guys or girls.
You see where I'm getting?
And now I'm trying to reach out to people but I'm getting rejected. Yeah. I'm pretty sad.
Seasonal depression maybe?
Monday, January 6, 2020
End of 2019
Let's just say 2019 has been quite a crazy year. The few key points of 2019 is rather insane, too.
Starting early of the year, a massive confrontation. Alright, fine. I give up. I don't admit 100% to my "crimes" since it felt like I was forced to admit more than what I actually did.
And yes, I do admit I did have feelings for you - but it's time to put that aside now. Nothing can fix it or revert it back. Bye bye. Everything is awkward now.
As months go by, I have pretty much been living in denial.
I no longer focused on myself - again - and focused on work. 100% on work. More things started coming and I literally eat, sleep, breathe work. I once again avoided social interaction or even hanging out most of the time, and I'm literally a rare Pokemon that's difficult to encounter, and also difficult to catch some free time with.
Mid of this year, I got a Nintendo Switch. That's literally the best thing I've ever gifted to myself. Takes my mind off things - both personal and work - and that's my escape to the real world. However, I still need to finish up my work before getting a chance to play. So in turn, I changed gaming into small chunks instead of a marathon lasting for an hour or more.
And that literally is my year 2019. Career-wise, it's great. Personal-wise, it's horrendous and getting worse.
I still don't feel like I belong anywhere or have anyone that I can rely or talk to. Just go back to keeping everything to myself then.
Till we talk again. Bye.
Starting early of the year, a massive confrontation. Alright, fine. I give up. I don't admit 100% to my "crimes" since it felt like I was forced to admit more than what I actually did.
And yes, I do admit I did have feelings for you - but it's time to put that aside now. Nothing can fix it or revert it back. Bye bye. Everything is awkward now.
As months go by, I have pretty much been living in denial.
I no longer focused on myself - again - and focused on work. 100% on work. More things started coming and I literally eat, sleep, breathe work. I once again avoided social interaction or even hanging out most of the time, and I'm literally a rare Pokemon that's difficult to encounter, and also difficult to catch some free time with.
Mid of this year, I got a Nintendo Switch. That's literally the best thing I've ever gifted to myself. Takes my mind off things - both personal and work - and that's my escape to the real world. However, I still need to finish up my work before getting a chance to play. So in turn, I changed gaming into small chunks instead of a marathon lasting for an hour or more.
And that literally is my year 2019. Career-wise, it's great. Personal-wise, it's horrendous and getting worse.
I still don't feel like I belong anywhere or have anyone that I can rely or talk to. Just go back to keeping everything to myself then.
Till we talk again. Bye.
Thursday, November 21, 2019
Accepting reality
when I first began this "venture", I had my doubt. Somewhere in my mind, I knew that it wouldn't work.
Eventually, those doubts were confirmed and I started to uncover more about the cold hard truth.
Being someone who's stubborn, I marched on despite the red flags, having hope that I can prove the world wrong.
Years passed, something major happened. Confrontation. It wasn't even a fair battle as it felt like a two on one. I was forced to accept that I'm wrong instead.
Once that happened, I went back to being how I was years ago. Do what I do and keep myself busy and distracted all the time. From time to time, those distractions had gaps and I became self-aware...
Now is the time that the time gap is widening. Thinking about my entire life, I'm rather lonely. No one true close friend that I can talk about everything with, or just something serious for that matter.
It's always either work, someone needing help, or just talking about mindless stuff.
I hate this feeling. Now, I gotta let that loneliness sink in.
I really need a companion in life.
And I need some emotional support for sure.
And I need some emotional support for sure.
Friday, May 24, 2019
here's a rant
be smart.
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Monday, April 1, 2019
feeling low
once again i am here - and hi.
i'm feeling particularly low at this point of time.
no one listens to me. no work gets done.
everything gets ignored and pushed off elsewhere
i'm stressed out and there's no one to talk to
seriously, who can i talk to about my work, my life, and everything?
my emotional support column has collapsed entirely now
honestly, i'm even getting blatantly avoided here
someone in this house even wants to sabotage me
it honestly feels like a trap now
i'm drained emotionally and physically
looking at this place makes me feel even more stressed out
how much more can i take? not sure
perhaps i should take a week off
but then again, i'll be even more stressed when i return since nothing will be done
moving here to do things quicker? feels the same to me, honestly
i'm feeling particularly low at this point of time.
no one listens to me. no work gets done.
everything gets ignored and pushed off elsewhere
i'm stressed out and there's no one to talk to
seriously, who can i talk to about my work, my life, and everything?
my emotional support column has collapsed entirely now
honestly, i'm even getting blatantly avoided here
someone in this house even wants to sabotage me
it honestly feels like a trap now
i'm drained emotionally and physically
looking at this place makes me feel even more stressed out
how much more can i take? not sure
perhaps i should take a week off
but then again, i'll be even more stressed when i return since nothing will be done
moving here to do things quicker? feels the same to me, honestly
Tuesday, March 19, 2019
26th birthday
It's been some time. I am overwhelmed with many things that are going on right now and I just want some short escape.
Let's just go and address the obvious - 26th birthday. It's a tradition that I do here that I will talk about my birthday in particular and how that day passed. It's already 2 weeks, though. Time really flies.
This year, it's funny. I just focused on work and tried to ignore the fact that it is indeed my birthday. Some remembered and wished earlier, some people did not even wish. What's funny is that when we were wrapping up work for that day, I was caught off-guard with the appearance of a cake. I did not expect that since the guys didn't seem to show any signs of them remembering my birthday. No wishes or anything - just a cake all of a sudden.
With the people around me on that day, eating a cake and then heading for dinner - that is actually a birthday that I absolutely enjoyed. That's pretty much ideal for me.
With that done, I do have some other things to say. I did let myself get consumed by work entirely and that really yielded something different. I'm not even thinking about any personal feelings or emotional health from them until now actually, because I want myself to be totally fatigued and not think about emotional stuff at all. Not even in personal or friendship development.
I want things to get better but realizing that it can never go back the way it was, I'm just bummed out.
Like what I was talking to someone else just now - looking back at any relationship that turned sour, we judge our own actions in the past and call ourselves stupid. Blasphemous for even helping or talking to such person! But at the moment when it happened, we have a spark that compelled us to do what we did.
When that particular thing turned sour, we start labeling it as a toxic relationship. But for people like me, we can't let it go entirely. It is already a part of us - and deep down, we still appreciate the times we spent together, especially with those particular person - even though we do hate you now.
Since we can never fully let it go, the thought of those happy times comes and we start to miss those times. And then the seasonal emotional breakdown happens. Why can't we ever go back to those days?
I don't know, but I really love those times we spent together. How I wish we can spend more of those times together.
And always appreciate those around you all the time, always. They can be gone in a blink of an eye. I am practicing to be more calm and making decisions with a clear mind. Sometimes, it does slip out though.
It's funny how words just flow out of my mind into the keyboard through my finger. I am typing this with my eyes clothes and well, I think these are just the things that I wanted to say and get it out of mind and into somewhere else.
I don't even remember what I ate for dinner and I don't even read what I typed. This is somewhat therapeutic to me, honestly.
Let's just go and address the obvious - 26th birthday. It's a tradition that I do here that I will talk about my birthday in particular and how that day passed. It's already 2 weeks, though. Time really flies.
This year, it's funny. I just focused on work and tried to ignore the fact that it is indeed my birthday. Some remembered and wished earlier, some people did not even wish. What's funny is that when we were wrapping up work for that day, I was caught off-guard with the appearance of a cake. I did not expect that since the guys didn't seem to show any signs of them remembering my birthday. No wishes or anything - just a cake all of a sudden.
With the people around me on that day, eating a cake and then heading for dinner - that is actually a birthday that I absolutely enjoyed. That's pretty much ideal for me.
With that done, I do have some other things to say. I did let myself get consumed by work entirely and that really yielded something different. I'm not even thinking about any personal feelings or emotional health from them until now actually, because I want myself to be totally fatigued and not think about emotional stuff at all. Not even in personal or friendship development.
I want things to get better but realizing that it can never go back the way it was, I'm just bummed out.
Like what I was talking to someone else just now - looking back at any relationship that turned sour, we judge our own actions in the past and call ourselves stupid. Blasphemous for even helping or talking to such person! But at the moment when it happened, we have a spark that compelled us to do what we did.
When that particular thing turned sour, we start labeling it as a toxic relationship. But for people like me, we can't let it go entirely. It is already a part of us - and deep down, we still appreciate the times we spent together, especially with those particular person - even though we do hate you now.
Since we can never fully let it go, the thought of those happy times comes and we start to miss those times. And then the seasonal emotional breakdown happens. Why can't we ever go back to those days?
I don't know, but I really love those times we spent together. How I wish we can spend more of those times together.
And always appreciate those around you all the time, always. They can be gone in a blink of an eye. I am practicing to be more calm and making decisions with a clear mind. Sometimes, it does slip out though.
It's funny how words just flow out of my mind into the keyboard through my finger. I am typing this with my eyes clothes and well, I think these are just the things that I wanted to say and get it out of mind and into somewhere else.
I don't even remember what I ate for dinner and I don't even read what I typed. This is somewhat therapeutic to me, honestly.
Sunday, February 17, 2019
Things change
Let's address some things.
That was an intense night. Takes a toll on me mentally a few days before and after that night. Guess no one can really prepare for that. And I'm a very liberal person, by the way.
It's a surprise to me that we started that list similarly - the forgiveness and apology about what happened albeit no idea what's going on at that time. Then at the end, we still want to achieve the same thing and still want to settle our differences, and move forward again together.
I'm grateful for that, really. For me to go through that is unimaginable. I usually will just run away, honestly. And for you to go through that - I don't know what to say. I know you wanted to cry too. Your eyes were watery and red. And so were mine. I do feel like there were a lot more points directed at me, though.
That's okay. We weren't looking eye to eye at first and it's realigned now. It's not easy to get through depression - and we know it. I've been through it quite a lot and I know how it feels. Yet that doesn't mean we're not here to help. Take your time - however long you need.
Just don't take medication to solve it. That is a very short term solution that makes things even worse. I know because I've seen it.
Though there are a few things that I want to address here. Let's just face the truth here.
Things did change since last year. That changed for the worse - but that night, things changed once again. Permanently. For better or for worse, I'm not sure and I don't care now. Things cannot just reset itself. It's time for me to be passive about things. See how things act up instead of me initiating something every time.
As for me personally, the quest that I set out a decade ago - I'm abruptly ending it even though the goal is still unachieved. No more searching and questing for that. It's a stupid search for something that's unreachable, unobtainable and it's really time to just move on. Grow up and let go. No more next chapters, just close the book and stow it away.
I don't realize many of the things that I have done or have been doing. Helping others - be it big or small. Never knew until others point it out. Social hints? Definitely need improvement on my side. But that's for the future.
Now, I'll refocus on my myself. Always take care of myself first. Protect myself. Actively reminding it's for myself.
As for how the future unfolds, I'm too tired to think about it right now. But time waits for no one and hence I am always setting things in motion. Now, it's time to rethink what to set in motion.
Just let me rest for now.
That was an intense night. Takes a toll on me mentally a few days before and after that night. Guess no one can really prepare for that. And I'm a very liberal person, by the way.
It's a surprise to me that we started that list similarly - the forgiveness and apology about what happened albeit no idea what's going on at that time. Then at the end, we still want to achieve the same thing and still want to settle our differences, and move forward again together.
I'm grateful for that, really. For me to go through that is unimaginable. I usually will just run away, honestly. And for you to go through that - I don't know what to say. I know you wanted to cry too. Your eyes were watery and red. And so were mine. I do feel like there were a lot more points directed at me, though.
That's okay. We weren't looking eye to eye at first and it's realigned now. It's not easy to get through depression - and we know it. I've been through it quite a lot and I know how it feels. Yet that doesn't mean we're not here to help. Take your time - however long you need.
Just don't take medication to solve it. That is a very short term solution that makes things even worse. I know because I've seen it.
Though there are a few things that I want to address here. Let's just face the truth here.
Things did change since last year. That changed for the worse - but that night, things changed once again. Permanently. For better or for worse, I'm not sure and I don't care now. Things cannot just reset itself. It's time for me to be passive about things. See how things act up instead of me initiating something every time.
As for me personally, the quest that I set out a decade ago - I'm abruptly ending it even though the goal is still unachieved. No more searching and questing for that. It's a stupid search for something that's unreachable, unobtainable and it's really time to just move on. Grow up and let go. No more next chapters, just close the book and stow it away.
I don't realize many of the things that I have done or have been doing. Helping others - be it big or small. Never knew until others point it out. Social hints? Definitely need improvement on my side. But that's for the future.
Now, I'll refocus on my myself. Always take care of myself first. Protect myself. Actively reminding it's for myself.
As for how the future unfolds, I'm too tired to think about it right now. But time waits for no one and hence I am always setting things in motion. Now, it's time to rethink what to set in motion.
Just let me rest for now.
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