Things change

Let's address some things.

That was an intense night. Takes a toll on me mentally a few days before and after that night. Guess no one can really prepare for that. And I'm a very liberal person, by the way.

It's a surprise to me that we started that list similarly - the forgiveness and apology about what happened albeit no idea what's going on at that time. Then at the end, we still want to achieve the same thing and still want to settle our differences, and move forward again together.

I'm grateful for that, really. For me to go through that is unimaginable. I usually will just run away, honestly. And for you to go through that - I don't know what to say. I know you wanted to cry too. Your eyes were watery and red. And so were mine. I do feel like there were a lot more points directed at me, though.

That's okay. We weren't looking eye to eye at first and it's realigned now. It's not easy to get through depression - and we know it. I've been through it quite a lot and I know how it feels. Yet that doesn't mean we're not here to help. Take your time - however long you need.

Just don't take medication to solve it. That is a very short term solution that makes things even worse. I know because I've seen it.

Though there are a few things that I want to address here. Let's just face the truth here.

Things did change since last year. That changed for the worse - but that night, things changed once again. Permanently. For better or for worse, I'm not sure and I don't care now. Things cannot just reset itself. It's time for me to be passive about things. See how things act up instead of me initiating something every time.

As for me personally, the quest that I set out a decade ago - I'm abruptly ending it even though the goal is still unachieved. No more searching and questing for that. It's a stupid search for something that's unreachable, unobtainable and it's really time to just move on. Grow up and let go. No more next chapters, just close the book and stow it away.

I don't realize many of the things that I have done or have been doing. Helping others - be it big or small. Never knew until others point it out. Social hints? Definitely need improvement on my side. But that's for the future.

Now, I'll refocus on my myself. Always take care of myself first. Protect myself. Actively reminding it's for myself.

As for how the future unfolds, I'm too tired to think about it right now. But time waits for no one and hence I am always setting things in motion. Now, it's time to rethink what to set in motion.

Just let me rest for now.