The void. The emptiness.

This is particularly something that has been bothering me since forever, but I can never get myself to tell anyone at all.

Let's start with the explanation. It's a void, an emptiness, that started to grow since the beginning of Form 4. Let's just use year 2009 as the reference.

The void spans for 2.5 years, from beginning of 2009 to mid-2011, the beginning of MMU.

The years of Form 1 to Form 3 is more like the years to get to know each other, and the remaining two years of Form 4 and Form 5 is to nurture and strengthen the bonds between each other, at least that's what I observed. I found it to be correct however as there are many living proofs.

Back to the void. In the days of 2009 and 2010... well let's just say I didn't have anyone to nurture and strengthen the bond with anyone at all. That pretty much left me to become a lone wolf for those remaining two years in secondary school.

I actually can explain why I'm such an obsessive and insecure little bugger when it comes to friendship - particularly about "best friend" part. 

Let's just say... it's either I forget about the entire 2.5 years (which means forgetting the entire "void" period) or just fill in the gap. I'm actually giving that option because I can't accept the cold fact that this actually happened. Seriously, I can't.

Forgetting is never going to happen, since constant reminder from the world about the void is always present... and the void just consumes everything I have each time that happens.

Filling in the gap is what I am constantly trying to do... but with unforeseen future... If I do have some good friends that... well... be my best friend and just fill in the entire 2.5 years, I'd be so happy that I can kiss someone. But then I know that's never going to happen, so it's a waste of time anyway.

Been on the search for best friends for... one... two... three.. four time... I lost count... but the main point is all of them failed. The only thing that motivates me to keep trying is the void itself. Ironic, since I'm trying to close it down, yet it's the only thing that keeps me moving forward.

Now however, I now have people that I can rely on, that is already filling in the 2.5 years gap... but once they leave, the gap will just go back to its original state... and I'm grateful. A shoulder to cry on or someone to celebrate successes with?

Hope this lasts forever, too. Everyone says, let it flow naturally. I don't think everything is that natural after all, and I will put effort in it, bending and manipulating it to my own will. I hope that this effort and feeling is mutual too...

One thing I can always do is just wear a mask to cover it all up, hopefully that mask will sink in, covering everything beneath it, lost and buried forever in the depths.

Insecurity of me

Yeah, I'm an insecure little bitch. I want someone to tell me that they'll be here forever, and they won't leave me until the end of time.

Well not in the lovers type of way of course, but friendship kinda way.
That won't happen though, it's something that only time will tell. My mind is always in the future or the past, it's never focused on the present time.

To be honest, I do think that's what best friends are for. Care about each other, no matter what happens.
"Best friend" is very vague word, but when you do think about it, a best friend is somewhat not so ideal at all. "Best friend" is a road not taken by many, so there are no heavy topics or debate about what it is, but I think it's an important part of life.

They're the ones who care about you indefinitely. They won't leave you when you tell them to leave, since they know you're in pain or unhappy.
Surely different people will try different methods to make that unhappiness go away.
Some people will try to cheer you up, some will ask you to pour your heart's poison out.

To be honest, I'm the kind of guy who appears to be emotionless most of the time, but then I'm actually sensitive as heck.
Funny since insecurity and sensitivity issues come from a guy like me eh?

Back to the main one, best friend is about caring for each other unconditionally and indefinitely. They'll be the one who listens to you, advices and make you feel good. Those who won't leave you alone. Those who will call you out of a sudden and make your day. Those phone calls that an introvert can't resist. It exists.


There are still many things that I cannot accept as a fact of life - particularly my own life.
If I ever got the chance to talk my heart out to someone I care, I won't hesitate at all.

I'm someone who doesn't get along well with jokes, and I find jokes a little offensive sometimes.


I always wondered - I used to live purely as a lone ranger since the beginning, why can't I continue on as a lone ranger now? I can't find the answer, and the last time I tried being a lone ranger ended up being all clingy again.

The introvert in me wants interaction, but still retracts to only about 1 or 2 person at a time.
The antisocial in me wants to continue to live back the way I used to be - alone, no headache of social stuff at all. It's quite impossible given that I'm in such a position right now.


I should really stop comparing myself to other people too. That really made me suicidal.
The past is past, we can't change the things we spent our time on. In university, it all depends on your brain and your talent. No joke that I'm already physically unfit, how can I even strive...