The void. The emptiness.

This is particularly something that has been bothering me since forever, but I can never get myself to tell anyone at all.

Let's start with the explanation. It's a void, an emptiness, that started to grow since the beginning of Form 4. Let's just use year 2009 as the reference.

The void spans for 2.5 years, from beginning of 2009 to mid-2011, the beginning of MMU.

The years of Form 1 to Form 3 is more like the years to get to know each other, and the remaining two years of Form 4 and Form 5 is to nurture and strengthen the bonds between each other, at least that's what I observed. I found it to be correct however as there are many living proofs.

Back to the void. In the days of 2009 and 2010... well let's just say I didn't have anyone to nurture and strengthen the bond with anyone at all. That pretty much left me to become a lone wolf for those remaining two years in secondary school.

I actually can explain why I'm such an obsessive and insecure little bugger when it comes to friendship - particularly about "best friend" part. 

Let's just say... it's either I forget about the entire 2.5 years (which means forgetting the entire "void" period) or just fill in the gap. I'm actually giving that option because I can't accept the cold fact that this actually happened. Seriously, I can't.

Forgetting is never going to happen, since constant reminder from the world about the void is always present... and the void just consumes everything I have each time that happens.

Filling in the gap is what I am constantly trying to do... but with unforeseen future... If I do have some good friends that... well... be my best friend and just fill in the entire 2.5 years, I'd be so happy that I can kiss someone. But then I know that's never going to happen, so it's a waste of time anyway.

Been on the search for best friends for... one... two... three.. four time... I lost count... but the main point is all of them failed. The only thing that motivates me to keep trying is the void itself. Ironic, since I'm trying to close it down, yet it's the only thing that keeps me moving forward.

Now however, I now have people that I can rely on, that is already filling in the 2.5 years gap... but once they leave, the gap will just go back to its original state... and I'm grateful. A shoulder to cry on or someone to celebrate successes with?

Hope this lasts forever, too. Everyone says, let it flow naturally. I don't think everything is that natural after all, and I will put effort in it, bending and manipulating it to my own will. I hope that this effort and feeling is mutual too...

One thing I can always do is just wear a mask to cover it all up, hopefully that mask will sink in, covering everything beneath it, lost and buried forever in the depths.