..... some truth?

How do you feel when you leave school after SPM, and no one contacts you at all?
The only time those people ever came back to contact is when they need my "expertise".
Each time that happens, I take that as a chance to engage back with secondary school people.
And you know what? Each time, they just ask and then after that they disappear. Poof.
Not to mention that I get scolded when I try to explain something.
The most recent time was my fault for falling into a well-laid trap.
Helped someone assemble a PC for free, but I had to travel back and forth from Puchong for 4 times.
I was requested to travel back for the 5th time just to help him install Photoshop, but I've had enough of this bullshit.

Ever since I realized this harsh truth, a black hole grew within me, within my heart.
I tried to steer the universe in my favour and obviously have failed 3 times actually.

How I steer the universe? By finding myself a best friend.

The 3 failed ones were surprisingly heart aching, you can feel the distance start to grow...
What happened next was less and less communication, and when the holidays came, the distance were few light years apart.
Didn't even say a simple "hi" during the holidays.
I'm not even referring to the long holiday during the year end, just the short two-week holiday.

This is the 4th time I tried to steer the universe in my favour.
It's looking pretty good, but the most feared thing is coming up.
I most certainly am worried.
What happens if again, distance grew and another few light years separate us again?
I don't want that to happen.

Let me ask you this - what do you feel when you're neglected or ignored?
I'm not referring to just anyone, I'm referring to your friend.
Your close friend.
Your best friend.

I tasted this bitter feel for many times.
I just want to know for sure that this won't happen to my best friend.

It's really heartbreaking when you're being thrown away by the person who is very important to you.
Almost feels like you're getting abandoned by your own parents.

I don't know if you can understand this but the reason why I'm so sensitive to these social things is because I've been thrown away too many times.
I grew tired of this bullshit.
Stop.
Each time I get thrown away, the worst part is that I have no one to go to.
I only have my own pillow to cry and soak my tears.

It's the time where I realize it's forever quality over quantity.
And quality is what I'm aiming for.

The black hole starts consuming me whenever possible.
I'm starting to cement that black hole, but I'm not sure that I can.
The ultimate test is marching forth.
I don't think I'm prepared for it...
I'm very afraid of rejection - that goes for being rejected, neglected or ignored.



It's something only time can tell.
I'll continue to steer the universe, if I can.




People also told me that since I have such issues, getting a girlfriend will solve it.
Hell no
Think about it.
If my relationship doesn't work out, then I'm totally on my own.
No external support, nothing.
For once, I think I'll go batshit insane.
This also contributes to the reason... why I need to seal up the black hole first.



And I thought this is supposed to be a "meet me halfway" thing.
Seems like I'm the one on pursuit to meet you at your doorstep.
Maybe I'm too blind to see the other 50%.



Things like these, it's always best to be told explicitly.
Indirect answers and hints just drive me crazy.
Also driving the black hole crazy.




"Don't you know that the heart is something can only be touched by others?"


It's something that can only be felt by you, but those feelings are caused by others.

Friendship - my opinion

Certainly friendship is something extraordinary. It's something that can only be felt when you have friends and you be with them.

There is another step beyond friendship where you attach the word "best" in front. This is a territory where not many treks but I think it's very important - and this is my opinion on why it is important.

Before that, I think best friends have something amazing that none other relationship has. You share love and care like a married couple does, but just without the sexually romantic thing and marriage. I think it's something wonderful that can happen to the person of the same gender or opposite gender. This is the true unconditional love.

Well life is like a room with separate doors for everyone. All are welcome to go in and out. When you go in, means you see introduced to that particular person, and you're no longer in contact when you leave. Simply analogy.

In life, twenty years old me have already met many people. Prior to my university though, they're all already gone. They left.

I was left bare lonely for 6 months straight after SPM. It does sound a little too extreme to be believable, and I don't blame you because you haven't been through it yourself.

Normal friends aren't those that you can simply share secrets with or seek their shoulder for you to cry on. Only best friends can. They'll listen, console and make you feel like you're the most wonderful thing that ever happened to their life.

However, normal friends, they're the ones that will come and go. 
Best friends are *ideally* - at least for me - those who won't leave. They jio you. They know you by heart - in an instant, without thinking.

Of course to be best friends you first have to be friends. And by that, I think I'm already very tired of reintroducing myself to everyone, then having my traits to be known by everyone else again and such.

So yeah... my best friends... I'm glad you're here.

Wtf...

God damn, I'm fucking 20 years old and I'm still fucking insecure about friendship. What the fuck man?
My biggest criteria to be a best friend to the world is to always be there for them, even when they're down or happy. Love and care unconditionally. My bony shoulder is always available for my best friends to cry on.

I also have trust issues. And that trust issue is with myself.

Are the things they say real? Is it not? I don't know.

Please don't leave me.

These... pulses of friendship insecurity has been repeating since forever...
Be gone, foul beast!

Sometimes

...

Sometimes I wish Facebook to never exist.
Why?

Because each time I browse around, I see things that makes me feel like a failure.
Particularly when someone else have memories of their high school life to show.
And yet they're in the same school and class as I am.

Another thing is when they have photos of their surprise birthday party. Damn I wish that even ONCE my birthday was celebrated. Just once.

It makes me feel all teary and sad when I saw those two things. It's something I can't "summon" to myself, and most definitely cannot force or even hint others to do it.

Guess I'll just drench in my own sorrow. Suck it up. That's life, right?