After some talking and some thought

It's always good to clarify things, no matter how small or ridiculous it sounds. For me, if *something* bothers me, I'll want to get answers from it. If there are multiple of these tiny little annoyances, they'll surely build up and annoy the hell out of me.

Yes, many things have been on my mind. Had the opportunity to at least talk a part of it. That helped. A lot. Though I can't have everything vomited out at once - that's just impossible since these doubts come in small dosages over time.

After that, I did some thinking after that - which I tend to overdo - and this time around, let me just say that I'll give things another chance. Things seem to be lining itself up and asking a chance for a reset and redo.

This time I'll do things differently. First thing is to banish my expectations entirely. I'm going in again with zero expectations. Hopes kill and dreams are suicidal - but unexpected glimmer of hope shown by others is always a wonderful gesture of mutual understanding of the intention to move forward together. That also means the relationship is not one-sided.

Secondly is to always talk things out. It's never going to be a smooth journey. If things are always smooth sailing, it's too good to be remotely true. There will be disagreements, but the ability to solve and get through such obstacle depends on both parties.

I got here not by chance but by some sort of gravitational force. I can give this another chance but I am trying to shift my perspective on things.

Experiments are about repeating the same thing over and over again but with tweaks - even just tiny little ones. That's how we can optimize the methodology and get the results.

So what if I failed 3 times? Or four? Or five? I have nothing to lose.
I can always try again - but with tweaks.
Let's march onwards on this never-ending journey that does not have any tracks.

Moving on

As time goes by, I think at this point of time, some things are much more apparent. While I still would like to experience some of that childhood innocence and magic, it's apparent that everyone else has changed - obviously physically and mentally.

In words from Keane, everybody's changing. Actually, everybody has already changed. Just that I have not changed. I've been clinging on to achieve something that I was set out to do a decade ago.

It's time for me to move on from this delusion, even though it is definitely not easy.

I admit. I'm someone who's not really that experienced in befriending people and I don't particularly know how to be a friend too. And yeah, I am abnormal. Actually, who is "normal"? What is "normal"? Everyone is different, and there is no one template that everyone fits in. So fuck it with the "normal".

It's about compatibility. Everyone has different compatibility. Some people are just more compatible with others, while some like me just aren't compatible with others in general.

For me, the goal to find a best friend has been disappointing to say the least. The incompatibility might be an odd case at first, but given that it's already the 3rd time, I think it is all but confirmed. The problem is with me. I might as well give up.

I guess the thing is that I don't have any hope for the whole best friend thing anymore. The journey is something that I promised to go along with, but I don't think I'll be putting in any more extra effort, though old habits die hard.

Long-term hope that just get burned down is much more damaging. Hope is dangerous. Dreams are suicidal.

Every action has a reaction and it takes two hands to clap. If I do things but without any reaction, then why should I continue?


My initial guess is correct then. In this world, it's always better if I am with an impenetrable cold heart. Just block everyone off.

Less troubles, less worries, and definitely less hope and less dreams.

Just do what I must and fuck off. If things don't work out, then leave.
What is there to be afraid in losing someone or something, right?

I can do better on my own.
I am already doing better on my own.

Always do what was said

Lies. No matter how small or big or insignificant you think it is, have its own consequences.

When you say something just for the fun of it, then be prepared to face the consequences.
Never say one thing and do another.

That's where the sense of distrust and doubt sprouts.

I honestly don't go and do things just to be lied to.
Nor I want to be lied to.
That's just horrible.

Lies might sometimes seem to be for the better for a particular situation now, but it's never a good idea in the long term. That's where the sense of betrayal comes.
Once the lie is exposed - which it will, there's no turning back.

Just be honest.
In the things you say.
In the things you do.
In relationships.
In life.
Be honest.