Things change

Let's address some things.

That was an intense night. Takes a toll on me mentally a few days before and after that night. Guess no one can really prepare for that. And I'm a very liberal person, by the way.

It's a surprise to me that we started that list similarly - the forgiveness and apology about what happened albeit no idea what's going on at that time. Then at the end, we still want to achieve the same thing and still want to settle our differences, and move forward again together.

I'm grateful for that, really. For me to go through that is unimaginable. I usually will just run away, honestly. And for you to go through that - I don't know what to say. I know you wanted to cry too. Your eyes were watery and red. And so were mine. I do feel like there were a lot more points directed at me, though.

That's okay. We weren't looking eye to eye at first and it's realigned now. It's not easy to get through depression - and we know it. I've been through it quite a lot and I know how it feels. Yet that doesn't mean we're not here to help. Take your time - however long you need.

Just don't take medication to solve it. That is a very short term solution that makes things even worse. I know because I've seen it.

Though there are a few things that I want to address here. Let's just face the truth here.

Things did change since last year. That changed for the worse - but that night, things changed once again. Permanently. For better or for worse, I'm not sure and I don't care now. Things cannot just reset itself. It's time for me to be passive about things. See how things act up instead of me initiating something every time.

As for me personally, the quest that I set out a decade ago - I'm abruptly ending it even though the goal is still unachieved. No more searching and questing for that. It's a stupid search for something that's unreachable, unobtainable and it's really time to just move on. Grow up and let go. No more next chapters, just close the book and stow it away.

I don't realize many of the things that I have done or have been doing. Helping others - be it big or small. Never knew until others point it out. Social hints? Definitely need improvement on my side. But that's for the future.

Now, I'll refocus on my myself. Always take care of myself first. Protect myself. Actively reminding it's for myself.

As for how the future unfolds, I'm too tired to think about it right now. But time waits for no one and hence I am always setting things in motion. Now, it's time to rethink what to set in motion.

Just let me rest for now.

Festivities in general

Chinese New Year is right around the corner - and yeah I'm going to say it. I don't really like Chinese New Year. Or any other holiday/festivals with long holidays in general, to be honest.

For me, these are the loneliest times. Everyone's away and tendering to their own friends and family obviously.

Chinese New Year in particular is lonely af too. There's no relative for me to go back to since the family is broken as heck. Brother's divorce is now official too so there's no sister-in-law for me.

And I sure as hell will not go back to hometown. I have no friends there so that's definitely not a path I'll take.

I, on the other hand, will just go back to being lonely in my own room and doing what I always do - work. Since nothing is happening, I just take other people's job to work on. That'll keep my mind off things.

Because having an empty mind with nothing to do really does make me feel down and depressed. So I take other people's job. Yet these work mostly goes unappreciated.

I got so pissed off when I was told "we worked until midnight, we didn't have dinner and we decided to go at the last minute." As if I don't work all day and all night. As if I didn't skip my meals for work. I had people ordering a takeaway right in front of me and acted as if I'm invisible after I skipped lunch for work. Just fantastic.

Start treating me like a human too. I oftentimes go unappreciated and just ignored and avoided. The things that I say out of my pure heart just go right through someone's head.

Can't blame me for going depressed all the time if I'm not taken seriously, ignored, and avoided all the time right? I ask for help ONCE and it was put aside and ignored. If I can do it myself, I wouldn't even ask for help at all.

And some might say I have FOMO. Which is quite true for some situations. Yet some people will just call me at the last minute as courtesy - not because they truly intend to ask me out for laughs and giggles. I hate last minute shits. Please plan beforehand.

There's a reason why I believe celebrating someone's birthday is important. It's a fixed date every year and it goes to show how much you actually appreciate someone and grateful for that particular person. A well-thought celebration is always the way to go. Gathering, spend the day together, that's cool.

A sloppy celebration is an insult. It's like a quick way to just say "hi, HBD, bye" type of thing. Generally feels bad. For me, the worst is when there's a lot of people involved. And never ever lie to me.

Now with another week-long holiday coming, I wonder how long I can hold up before going all depressed again. I appreciate and grateful for others, but I am never appreciated or had someone be grateful for me. That's life for me anyway. This does not spark joy.

I always find a way to cheer others up, so who will cheer me up?