Luck

Do you ever believe in such a things? Most of the time I don't until shit like this happens.

For the past few months after "that" happened, everything seems to just deteriorate and fall apart. Hey, I still want my life. I still want everything. I want it to be better than before, not worst.

If the graph of my life is linear, it'll be

f(x) = m1x1-(|m2x2|)^2+c

One steep downhill.

Been having a terrible time. Horrible time.
For the past few weeks (months now I suppose)

Funny how I got back to my Form 5's state of mind.

Certainly is not a good thing.

Bipolar

So it seems that I have the symptoms of bipolar disorder. Before this I do have suspicion that I have it since you know, I'm pessimistic and optimistic like an AC wave with very, very high amplitude.

So I took a short online quiz, a brief and not scientific one to get an idea of how severe I am with bipolar disorder. Seems like I'm pretty much fucked.

Yeah. From depressed to mania in a short time. I can remember such things happening too. Not once, not twice, not thrice. It's more.

At least I I'm not clueless now, I have an idea how severe my bipolar disorder is.

And I only 19. What should I do?

Life

I've been living the lone ranger lifestyle since Form 1. Ever since I came here to MMU, each time I lived back that way people will ask me why am I so lonely.

So I took a lot of steps trying to change that. I did many things. Too many.

Now, it's not that I'm alone. It's that I'm abandoned.
It's that I no longer want to live that life again. It's that now I'm forced to get back to that life.

Now I'm kinda going back to that. But I've lived that life before. I don't see a reason why I can't go back there now.

One secret

A short one, won't take more than a minute to read.

Truth is, I never had my birthday celebrated with friends.

Not even once.

That's all I want to say. I'm not hoping for anything. Just that I get a sort of mental pain each time I see other people celebrating birthdays.

Priorities

Does numbers really do matter that much to you? Please, proceed. You know that 90% of them aren't even coming, and the insurance agent analogy holds true. Numbers aren't even close to being the deciding factor in this case. Get your priorities straight. You're giving your life up for something irrelevant. You're abandoning those who care for you. Abandoning your friends and your lover. Given that all of those people magically came, it's utter shit if you can't manage to pull off a decent event.


But please, do. I'd like to see.


Publicity yes, you got your name out

Does anyone actually care?

Do you care? I know I do. I cared too much actually. But what's the point? As if you'll care about me. Anyone for that matter. I'm disposable.

Boggles my mind

Ever since I was in primary school in always hear those in my class saying how much fun they have everyday as they live pretty near to each other.

Relationship getting stronger by the day thanks to the short distance, they can meet everyday.

I've got to say I'm jealous. Given the right people and the short distance, they can be your companion for life. For real.

Even now I do hope and wish for the same thing, but principle stays same - given right people. I know one that stays within 15 minutes from where I am and I think it's pretty near, though not the right person I think...

But I think the distance somehow is good, just that I can't see it yet maybe... But I do hope that my wish will come true one day, soon from now.

I've been longing for this since I was very young.

And no doubt, there's a lot of things about friendship and relationships that I still have to learn. Coming from my past, I'm no good with these at all.

I hope you are all perfectly well in teaching me all these. Much appreciated! After all, I'm a grown up kid learning kid stuff. I started late - very late.

Deadliest combination

So I am an introvert that has a brain that somehow is cross-dominant.
It just means that two hemispheres are equally dominant, nothing much.
How did I come to that conclusion? Well, I can use chopsticks with both my hands equally well, I pour drinks using my left hand (preferably) and write with my right.
A good division of labor, though I mostly favour one side in particular depending on the task. This is called mixed handedness. Ambidextrous is where you can do EVERYTHING with both your hands equally well. That's exceptionally rare of course.

Ambidextrous people aren't much different from mixed handedness in terms of how the brain works. They're both equally well and both hemispheres are just as active. The problems with ambidextrous and mixed handed freaks are the inconceivable truce between the two hemispheres and the *hand confusion*. Let me tell you one by one.

The two hemispheres are like Apple and Google for ambidextrous and mixed handed freaks. They both nearly never reach a truce. Learning is a problem. Both hemispheres contradict each other in almost every single way at every single thing you do.

More here http://cigognenews.blogspot.com/2012/02/skipping-steps-untoward-consequences-of_24.html

I for one can't make up my mind which hand to use while playing badminton. I don't know which hand to use while throwing things. I can't balance myself nicely.
I have poor handwriting. Learning is a hassle for me, I wonder how I ever got this far.

Introvert is someone who prefer to live within their own minds rather than going out and socialize. The funniest thing though is how much they think within their own brain.
For me, I think of mostly pessimistic things and spew it out to my blog - this one you're reading.

Why is this a deadly composition you ask?

Given mixed handedness, I have the greatest contradiction within my own skull - between the left hemisphere and the right hemisphere of my brain.
Given introversion, I tend to live within my own mind.

You can already see what's the effect. Both combined, I'm not sure how long I am going to last. I'm afraid I'm on the verge to kill myself.

Each time during the holidays, people only approach me for favours. Sean, I'm looking at you. Twice you contacted me is about iPads and Nexuses. The people I approach ignored me.

That's why I buy/plan things to occupy and waste all my time on during the holidays. Just to keep my mind off everything.
I can't find anyone to clear my mind off anything, that's why.

The more time I have alone with my mind, the close I'll get to going insane.

The best time I ever had while killing my time is playing Borderlands 2 online.

So, who wants to commit suicide with me?

Assumptions the community make

It's sad how the citizens of the world tend to make assumptions and generalizations. Some of it are not made, inherited or developed, but fed by the media.

Take this as an example : everyone thinks that in a love relationship, the guy is the one always providing his shoulder for the girl to cry on.

Agree? I'm sure you all do. Watch too many movies? Maybe. I don't see what's wrong with a girl providing her shoulders for her guy to cry on.

Heck, I don't even see the problem for the guy to provide his shoulder for  his best friend to cry on. It's not gay or anything, it's all love.

Be more open minded.