Impressions

My face really does give out bad aura doesn't it?

Everyone said I give out the "I want to kill you" look before they knew me.

Damn.

2012

Promised I'll do one of post for my year in review. Here it is.

For 19 - soon 20 - years of my life, I've seen many things that many people have not. How do I confirm this? Well the things in speak of experience are incomprehensible by many. It's like I matured faster than others, creating a large gap between me and society. The agony is that I actually have a lot of problems trying to communicate even it's been years "adapting". I still suffer the same thing today.

Worst part is that with all sorts of ups and downs of life happening too people around me, I can only see but not to experience or get a share of it, let alone being in the spotlight. It's the time where I only get to learn it but never to experience the slightest bit.

2012.It's been one of those years where I just sit and watch life pass. Those time where I sit and observe, learn and hope that one day I can experience it.

Sadly though, it's a wishful thinking. More on that later.

Till next time. 4.25am. Intriguing.

Nice guys finish last? Nope, not really.

Yes, no more Mr Nice Guy. This is the new me, this is who I must be to survive in this world. (Y)

BPD

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/borderline-personality-disorder-topic-overview?page=2

BPD. Borderline personality disorder.
Bipolar disorder is one of its symptoms. I suspect I have it.

Looking deeper, I have most of what is stated there.

Cure?


"Accepting that a loved one has a personality disorder can be hard. You may feel helpless. But there are things you can do to help. Show love, and learn as much as you can about the illness. Understand that the behavior you may see-which may include anger directed at you-is caused by the illness, not by the person you love.

Know when to get help. This disorder can cause a person to become angry, violent, or suicidal. Take these situations seriously. Call for help if you think the person may be in danger or may harm someone else."


Yeah. Those are what I posted here too, that's without even knowing what BPD is.

I'm in deep trouble.

If that defines as how you want to end the friendship, so be it. I've done enough to fix it.

You want to dump it, so let it be.

I've done enough. I've been foolish to even do all those things. To even open my mouth to invite you to all those things.

I cared, too much now that I think back, but Newton's 3rd law didn't apply. No equal reaction. Never mind. You went on caring others instead.

Speaking the words of wisdom, let it be.

Support

I'm a guy who... Can easily lose hope when things are not in order or not as expected. Worst still I'm a perfectionist.

The sadness is, there's always no one there to support when I'm down. Yes, I'm being blunt about this. Seriously, none.

But then again I lived this way for 18 years already. I don't think that I can't handle this again.

Just have to keep believing.

Fuck the world.
Fuck you all.

The lies of what magical things friendship does. The lie that says your friends can look through your fake happiness mask, into your problems. Lies. All lies.

I never met anyone or saw anyone who can do that besides me myself.
Why?
Because I practice my credo.
Do what I want to be done onto me.

I developed the skill to look through people's mask. Often times I am correct.
But never the other way around.

All lies. All the brainwashing about friendship the world gives us. Lies.

Or maybe that these lies are those things that gives us hope and faith, even though it's impossible?

Choices

I'm placed at a fork road which sharp turns are inevitable. Given two choices, to leave, or not to leave? If I do leave, I'd have to let go of everything I have. If I don't, well this is pretty much what I have left.

The choice is really tough. To leave everything I have? Well it's not much but to establish everything, the foundation, the lifestyle and everything, is not as easy as it seems. Tiring still.

I'd be studying there, working there and probably spending my life there. One sad thing is that I'll know no one, so going there is really like a lone ranger though I will have a guardian who I barely know.

But... let us get back to the first point. To leave everything behind is a hard enough choice since one of my greatest fear in life is to have no accompaniment. No one beside me. To be lonely. Not alone, but lonely.

One greatest thing I can never leave behind is the people here. I know human relationships is one's most poisonous and the strongest magnet that holds you back. Let me share you my deepest, darkest, and to me, most shameful fear ever that I have.

I fear loneliness. Again, not being alone, but loneliness. You can be in between a million people and still feel loneliness because the lack of personal connection. But you can be with the same person, alone together, for hours straight and feel completely content if you have the personal connection.

I fear that I'll grow old in loneliness. I fear that when I'm going through hard times, like I did recently, in loneliness. Let's not talk about the one who gave me a middle finger and then preached to others à la the Pope. That's devastating enough. I am a guy with a girl's mind, that's what many of my friend-girls told me.


I needed support and what I got was those listed above. Such an eyesore. Such a heartache. Go, go on. I've had it. It's better that I have no support at all than to deal with this. shit.


If I am to leave everything behind, I lost everyone I ever connected with... and who should then I go to when I needed support? Loneliness in this case again? How many times and how long more can I handle? Sure I can meet new people and maybe then I'll go to them instead. Doubt I can be so positive about that though.


I can't even handle my own friendships well, how am I even to go handle a girlfriend? Worst case? I don't even know who my true friends are.


Hitz.FM shared this image.




Yeah hard times will reveal true friends they say. Maybe, but not for me. My hard times? There, I told you above. I got a middle finger. True friends they say.

More like hard times will always reveal those to be ignored when you're successful or happy.

But of course I can't lose hope this early. That's why I can't leave. I've been trying to get it hard enough. Just one is enough. I'm turning 20 less than 45 days as per this post. My God. 20 years and there's not even one?




Call me high expectation Kok or cocky Koki whatever, there's just no one. None. All the "ideal cases" people tell are lies.




Your close friends can see there's something wrong with you even when you fake everything? Fake. I can see it in my close friends, but never the other way around.




Bare in mind, I treat them as my close, even best friends but I have no idea about the other way around, or how to even define it. Gut feeling isn't there. I tried to be blunt about this and tell them directly, I got no respond. No hints, no confirmation, nothing.




I know I'm insecure.




The worst thing is, I follow the credo of "Do onto others as you would like done onto you". In other words, you just have to do what you want to be done back to you. I did it all. I expressed my ideal case through my actions. What I got is a FUCKING middle finger.

Everything in the world is a lie. Ideal cases never exist. Engineers know that. Accountants know that.


I can't force anyone at my own will, but I cannot let go of all the hopes I have in a snap of a finger. The choice can wait. Let me see if this will all go down to hell or not. If yes, I'll work there instead.


I've lived the loneliness for years, I don't see why I can't do it again, though it's painful. Better than getting tangled up into human relationships and getting middle fingers for what I do.

The me that just entered university

Those were my most enjoyable days. I masked myself to be a mean guy, which by all means influential and well liked too.

Not to mention that it's tiring too. Very tiring.

Days gone by and I lost my mask, I became the isolated weirdo. I started going back to my eccentric self, going geek, emotional and also sensitive. Then I sought again for the answers of my question. My quest was never fulfilled. Instead it educated me with byproducts.

Whatever, I don't really feel anything anymore. I thought I filled my hollow body and heart with something, but now you just came, told me those words and punctured it from the bottom. Now I'll have to patch it up, and refill again.

Seriously, too many things are happening within these few weeks, I can't really handle anymore.

I wish I could turn back time and go back to those days. Or maybe I can just emulate those days again. Put on my tiring mask again? I don't think so...

Luck

Do you ever believe in such a things? Most of the time I don't until shit like this happens.

For the past few months after "that" happened, everything seems to just deteriorate and fall apart. Hey, I still want my life. I still want everything. I want it to be better than before, not worst.

If the graph of my life is linear, it'll be

f(x) = m1x1-(|m2x2|)^2+c

One steep downhill.

Been having a terrible time. Horrible time.
For the past few weeks (months now I suppose)

Funny how I got back to my Form 5's state of mind.

Certainly is not a good thing.