John 4:19

We love because he first loved us.


Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.

Christmas is coming

Seems like things started even earlier this year. It's not even December yet and the Christmas gear is already churning.

Christmas is always a time that I like. It's a time to chill. Stay back and relax a little. Enjoy the beautiful light show and the decoration. For some reason, it makes me feel cozy.

Here's the time to voice out your appreciations and whatnot too. Christmas only happens once a year.

Christmas is also known as the time of giving. And that's where I'm going to get something - no matter how small of a gift - as a token of appreciation throughout the year. I know, a little gift can't tell the whole story of what these people have contributed throughout the year. But at least it's something.

Speaking of which, time to do my Christmas shopping.
Add to cart.
Check out.

Done. ETA: 2nd December to 22nd December.
Now I just hope it'll arrive before Christmas.

Seeking intimacy? Or just lonely?

In life, it's difficult to be living alone. I'm someone who likes to be alone sometimes, but alone with the one or two people that I want to be with.

I want to actually have someone to talk to when I need to. Someone I can pour my heart to everyday regardless of what sort of topic it is.

Some call it intimacy - which I think I'm seeking for it quite desperately. Some call it soulmate or best friend - which is something that is really dear to me.

I hope that I already have someone who I can call a soulmate or a best friend for life. A decade later - there's hope, but seemingly unstable, it seems. That's because I've been rejected. And I'm still very much pissed off about that even after all that I've done. Feels like all the effort for nothing other than a false hope.

Let's face it - I missed my window of opportunity completely. The window for the magically innocent childhood friendship where lifelong best friendships are most likely to form.

Ironic, isn't it? As people get older, the gates into their lives shuts off completely. You'll only be closest with the people that you met during your childhood days.

Honestly, no idea what I'm doing in life when it comes to this. I missed my opportunity and I want to get something magical back - but that's impossible.

Perhaps it's time to find a girlfriend that can deal with my shit.
The worst feeling I can ever get is to be deliberately ignored or avoided - which I can feel happening to me now.

I've done my part here and maybe it's time for me to fuck off. Perhaps it's time for me to seal off my gates too. Just that I'll be living alone and lonely forever too.

Guess it's time to cry myself to sleep.

Recurring feeling

It seems like I've been getting a lot of the same feeling these days. Recurring feeling of depression. Might be because of the seasonal deprivation that kicked in from the previous post on this blog.

It's... just not pleasant. Makes me feel like crying myself to sleep these days.




On a side note, goodbye Google Plus. There's nothing but salty, terrible memories there.

Deprivation

Just when I thought the void is getting sealed, well, it feels like I've been disowned again. I do so much and yet everting goes unrecognized.

I finally get to know one thing - why this is important to me.

Without a loving male father figure in my life, I guess I'm just deprived of that feel. The love from a male figure in live.

Some might call it gay, but you should try going through life without a loving father.

But hey, I can't do anything about it. I do wish that one day I can reconcile with this. But I don't have any hope right now as I lost every bit of it.

Bye.

My thoughts right now

It's funny how these two posts came around. Instantly, I shared them.

Disappointed at myself. For doing such idiotic things.

Craziness vs. Insanity

To get over something is by accepting. It's not simple. Sometimes I think that some things are special, but I'm wrong. Always.

Then I start getting numb over these things. Eventually, nothing is special to me even if it truly is special. Something like the when someone lies too many times and eventually, no one believes even though it's true.

For me, I start to realize there's really nothing to lose at all. Everything is replaceable or disposable. Even me.

Psychologically, people start getting crazy and go rogue when they realized this. There's nothing to lose, so why not go all out? No point lying to yourself to make others happy either.


There's nothing holding you back - and no one can tell you to stop. But this is where many people start to go from crazy to insane.

Without the limitation or confinement of someone or something telling you to stop, people go all out and mostly for the wrong reason. Keep your sanity in check from time to time even when there's nothing to lose.

Just from time to time. Let yourself go crazy and try everything instead.

In words of Linkin Park -

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter



But hey - humans say one thing but do the other. Let's just see how long I can last in numbness before I start feeling again.

Acknowledgements

A simple hello, hi, or a simple gesture just to acknowledge the presence of a person isn't that difficult, no?

Acts as a "oh hey, you're here" and that's enough. It makes a lot of differences.

Perhaps pointing things out in a confrontation helps, but that's the last thing I want to do.

I don't think things will turn back to its original form after any confrontation. It's not nitinol.

Still, confrontation is the only method to move forward.

I'm too scared to confront, but have things to say.
Such is life.

Perhaps you should initiate the confrontation instead.

Being pushed away

To me personally, it's been a year since the trigger. A lot has happened and a lot has changed since then. And it seems to be going full circle and back to the beginning where things were at a bad state.

Firstly, it feels like I'm being pushed away again. Unwanted and just discarded. Disregarded. Better to be invisible at times.

I don't really care much about praise and shit like that - mostly just acknowledgement that I'm a human. I mean, respond to me and talk like a human is fine. Sharing, talking, interacting.

Honestly speaking, my soul has been turning back to its hollow and loveless state again since these past 2 months or so. Life has pretty much been in autopilot mode since then.

I'm pissed at times but I can't show. I literally want to break stuff at times but I can't do it.

I guess that's life for me.
Working all the time.
Forever alone all the way.
Not like I bother, though.
Been this way for many years already.
How much worse can it get?

Moving out

Yes, as the title suggest, it's time. The time for me to move out is finally here.

Thinking back, it's been nearly a year since the idea came up. After so much waiting, the time has arrived.

Being my first time moving out, I'm anxious. Really anxious. And afraid. And somewhat excited? I have no idea what's to come.

To be completely honest, at that time I was throwing around this idea for me to move there as a way to integrate our working place more tightly. It eventually became a thing and I realized how crucial it is for us to all work at one place at the same time.

The other reason to move there is a personal one. I mean... my best friend and brother - someone very important to me - was in quite a bad state at that time. Helped him out and lots have improved - but there are many other things to be improved further. I guess that's where I step in?

Now the real thing is happening and I'm just having a mixed bag of emotions. The best way to deal with something is to do it face to face - but confrontations 
aren't my forte either.



To care for others, perhaps I need to be cared for a while.



The transition period will definitely be a weird one. Hopefully everything works out smoothly and quickly.

Don't know if I can focus back at work instantly with a shakeup at a fundamental level.

By the way, 2/5 phones have finished reviewing. Other 3 will be short reviews soooooooo yeah. Heading to Taipei again too. Hopefully my leg doesn't fuck itself up this time.
Stressful times ahead.