Luck

Do you ever believe in such a things? Most of the time I don't until shit like this happens.

For the past few months after "that" happened, everything seems to just deteriorate and fall apart. Hey, I still want my life. I still want everything. I want it to be better than before, not worst.

If the graph of my life is linear, it'll be

f(x) = m1x1-(|m2x2|)^2+c

One steep downhill.

Been having a terrible time. Horrible time.
For the past few weeks (months now I suppose)

Funny how I got back to my Form 5's state of mind.

Certainly is not a good thing.

Bipolar

So it seems that I have the symptoms of bipolar disorder. Before this I do have suspicion that I have it since you know, I'm pessimistic and optimistic like an AC wave with very, very high amplitude.

So I took a short online quiz, a brief and not scientific one to get an idea of how severe I am with bipolar disorder. Seems like I'm pretty much fucked.

Yeah. From depressed to mania in a short time. I can remember such things happening too. Not once, not twice, not thrice. It's more.

At least I I'm not clueless now, I have an idea how severe my bipolar disorder is.

And I only 19. What should I do?

Life

I've been living the lone ranger lifestyle since Form 1. Ever since I came here to MMU, each time I lived back that way people will ask me why am I so lonely.

So I took a lot of steps trying to change that. I did many things. Too many.

Now, it's not that I'm alone. It's that I'm abandoned.
It's that I no longer want to live that life again. It's that now I'm forced to get back to that life.

Now I'm kinda going back to that. But I've lived that life before. I don't see a reason why I can't go back there now.

One secret

A short one, won't take more than a minute to read.

Truth is, I never had my birthday celebrated with friends.

Not even once.

That's all I want to say. I'm not hoping for anything. Just that I get a sort of mental pain each time I see other people celebrating birthdays.

Priorities

Does numbers really do matter that much to you? Please, proceed. You know that 90% of them aren't even coming, and the insurance agent analogy holds true. Numbers aren't even close to being the deciding factor in this case. Get your priorities straight. You're giving your life up for something irrelevant. You're abandoning those who care for you. Abandoning your friends and your lover. Given that all of those people magically came, it's utter shit if you can't manage to pull off a decent event.


But please, do. I'd like to see.


Publicity yes, you got your name out

Does anyone actually care?

Do you care? I know I do. I cared too much actually. But what's the point? As if you'll care about me. Anyone for that matter. I'm disposable.

Boggles my mind

Ever since I was in primary school in always hear those in my class saying how much fun they have everyday as they live pretty near to each other.

Relationship getting stronger by the day thanks to the short distance, they can meet everyday.

I've got to say I'm jealous. Given the right people and the short distance, they can be your companion for life. For real.

Even now I do hope and wish for the same thing, but principle stays same - given right people. I know one that stays within 15 minutes from where I am and I think it's pretty near, though not the right person I think...

But I think the distance somehow is good, just that I can't see it yet maybe... But I do hope that my wish will come true one day, soon from now.

I've been longing for this since I was very young.

And no doubt, there's a lot of things about friendship and relationships that I still have to learn. Coming from my past, I'm no good with these at all.

I hope you are all perfectly well in teaching me all these. Much appreciated! After all, I'm a grown up kid learning kid stuff. I started late - very late.

Deadliest combination

So I am an introvert that has a brain that somehow is cross-dominant.
It just means that two hemispheres are equally dominant, nothing much.
How did I come to that conclusion? Well, I can use chopsticks with both my hands equally well, I pour drinks using my left hand (preferably) and write with my right.
A good division of labor, though I mostly favour one side in particular depending on the task. This is called mixed handedness. Ambidextrous is where you can do EVERYTHING with both your hands equally well. That's exceptionally rare of course.

Ambidextrous people aren't much different from mixed handedness in terms of how the brain works. They're both equally well and both hemispheres are just as active. The problems with ambidextrous and mixed handed freaks are the inconceivable truce between the two hemispheres and the *hand confusion*. Let me tell you one by one.

The two hemispheres are like Apple and Google for ambidextrous and mixed handed freaks. They both nearly never reach a truce. Learning is a problem. Both hemispheres contradict each other in almost every single way at every single thing you do.

More here http://cigognenews.blogspot.com/2012/02/skipping-steps-untoward-consequences-of_24.html

I for one can't make up my mind which hand to use while playing badminton. I don't know which hand to use while throwing things. I can't balance myself nicely.
I have poor handwriting. Learning is a hassle for me, I wonder how I ever got this far.

Introvert is someone who prefer to live within their own minds rather than going out and socialize. The funniest thing though is how much they think within their own brain.
For me, I think of mostly pessimistic things and spew it out to my blog - this one you're reading.

Why is this a deadly composition you ask?

Given mixed handedness, I have the greatest contradiction within my own skull - between the left hemisphere and the right hemisphere of my brain.
Given introversion, I tend to live within my own mind.

You can already see what's the effect. Both combined, I'm not sure how long I am going to last. I'm afraid I'm on the verge to kill myself.

Each time during the holidays, people only approach me for favours. Sean, I'm looking at you. Twice you contacted me is about iPads and Nexuses. The people I approach ignored me.

That's why I buy/plan things to occupy and waste all my time on during the holidays. Just to keep my mind off everything.
I can't find anyone to clear my mind off anything, that's why.

The more time I have alone with my mind, the close I'll get to going insane.

The best time I ever had while killing my time is playing Borderlands 2 online.

So, who wants to commit suicide with me?

Assumptions the community make

It's sad how the citizens of the world tend to make assumptions and generalizations. Some of it are not made, inherited or developed, but fed by the media.

Take this as an example : everyone thinks that in a love relationship, the guy is the one always providing his shoulder for the girl to cry on.

Agree? I'm sure you all do. Watch too many movies? Maybe. I don't see what's wrong with a girl providing her shoulders for her guy to cry on.

Heck, I don't even see the problem for the guy to provide his shoulder for  his best friend to cry on. It's not gay or anything, it's all love.

Be more open minded.

Cause of my insomnia

Yesterday was with a terrible insomnia. Slept at 4, woke up at 7 and force myself to sleep, then woke up at 10.30am. So yeah, it's a very tiring day.

Already with lack of sleep, my mood and temper isn't good. Then my pants got torn by a plate number (yes, plate number). Went to the study place, can't get any sleep at all.

Reason why? I find it too quiet. Unreasonable? Try to think of it as... your most active condition. While trying to get some sleep at the studying place, I tried to figure out why I couldn't sleep and why they insomnia.

The link is possibly due to introversion and nocturnal. Largely due to introversion, I find quietness (not too quiet though) to be magnificent, and the night makes me think more and have more idea flowing through as compared to any other time.

Should I really go consult a doctor? No. My insomnia is due to the things I can't stop thinking about for years, and is something that I'm trying to fix now. Details in the few recent posts. Thanks for your concern anyhow. I do think about it all the time, but sometimes it does keep me awake.

Yesterday I got the idea. Instead of over thinking until my brain goes tired and sleep, why not try letting everything out?

Insomnia (September 18th, 3.52am)

I'm a guy. Not so typical guy, thanks to my leg. I consider myself as an early-matured guy and because of this, I didn't blend in with my fellow classmates. Somehow I never met anyone with a similar case as mine, until last year.

Back in the days, I am the last one anyone would ever talk to. I became a person for others to express their emotions, like a psychologist. I gave everyone advice, hoping that they can get out of their problems.

Later, I became "the motivator" and I am still the final person to talk to. Being that, I became more and more lonely obviously, and became a full lone ranger. I started being an extreme introvert, handling myself and everything within my reach alone.

That's when this blog started to fill in with emotional stuff. The other day I logged in to my Evernote and I saw the things I got emotional about since 2010, yet I am still being emotional about it after all I've been through the 2 years. Let's refer it as issue X. It's a personal thing, but you can find out what it is in a few posts before this one.

Well guess what? I can't even get my mind straight about issue X. My past is a complete void other than helping people, yet this is at about Form 4 and Form 5. Any time before that is... Pretty much an empty void, and my childhood is completely empty no doubt.

The scars on my arm and leg reminds me that I did have a past, but an empty one. Scars since I was little. Surgery marks since I was 2. Injuries since I was 8.

The thing is, I know in my life I lived as a lone ranger for so long, I know how to subtly satisfy or at least try to satisfy everyone involved by myself. But the worst problem comes when you're no longer living alone.

While living alone, you don't have to bother about socializing, maintaining this and that. I'm exactly in this position. From a lone ranger to what I can call myself a socialite. I feel insecure. I don't know what friends are. I don't have anyone to tell everyone single pain.

When they all go back go their hometowns, everyone will find their secondary school friends. I should too but I have only two remaining, where one is at Australia. I don't have a close friend or a best friend, or at least I don't know how to read the signs. Again, I'm insecure, so tell me straight on if you are my close or best friend.

I always preached last time, "believe, and it will happen". I wonder what happened, I didn't practice it since ever. But recently another friend of mine reminded me about this.

If I practice this again, then I can make believe that I have one best friend, a few close friends and a handful of friends.

I rarely preached the theory of "circle of friends" since I think it is true but very offensive and ridiculous when I share it out, though I found numerous applications to this theory.

I used to say, "know yourself and everyone who likes you for who you are will be by your side forever, not for what you are". Now, the one who said it can't even decide if he's an ambidextrous or mixed-handed. What a hypocrite.

Transition from a lone ranger to a socialite is very bad for your mind. Truely stressful. Even with more pressure when you're an introvert.  Makes you feel alone whenever everyone is gone, but feeling afraid when people wants to meet you.

That's all for this time. Can't sleep with this fancy biological clock of mine and my brain can't stop thinking, so I just wrote.

Wow...

I guess this is what you do for your best friend? Awkward, but whatever lol.
Best friend has to do his job.

Ohana

Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. For me, friends = family.

Remember, life is kind of like a party. You invite a lot of people, some leave early, some stay all night, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up really late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the mess. And most of the time, they aren’t even the ones who made the mess. These people are your real friends in life. They are the ones who matter most.

Here are 15 things real friends do differently:

http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/04/23/15-things-real-friends-do-differently/



They stick around. – The sad truth is that there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave. The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll eventually weed these people out of your life and be left with some great people you can count on. We rarely lose friends and lovers, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are.

Tension and stress

Stress,  strain and tension. They're all familiar words as physical quantitative numbers.

I'm talking about the mental one.

Assignments that can't be solved, questions that are irrelevant, clueless lecturers and 6 inch-thick textbooks.

I wonder how someone can balance a life like this.

Studies, friends, clubs, personal

How?

I have too much more to learn; friendship, socializing, all those things that is SUPPOSED to be learn at younger age but I never got a chance.

I'm already stressing myself out. Any more and I'll be ill.

I feel like suiciding.

Someone.
Someone, please.
Someone. Please, help me.
Help.
Help me.

What do you want from me?

Tell me, what do you want from me?

I got some little cheerful, so I smile and I laugh. But no, Brother Matthew (one of founder founder of St. Michael Ipoh) and this super loud lecturer seems to be having something against me.

Questioning my reason to smile. Picking on me because I smile.

Can't I smile?

If I don't smile, you guys say that I'm emotional. So I tried to look at the silver lining around the gloomy clouds and smiled, yet I got picked because I'm smiling.

So tell me world :

What
is
it
that
you
want
????????????????

From high school till now. Things never change eh?

Learned something

Can you guess what I'm good at?

Being an introvert.

The night I cried myself to sleep

99% of those old visitors don't even know that I changed my blog to this site... initials of my name, one Y and two Ks.
Indirectly it is Y2K...

Well I did change this out of a sudden. Wanna hide.

Want to know why?
I just hate myself for who I was back in my entire high school life.
Or was it the people that I spend my days with?

Went for DJ Club interview for on-air sessions. Never knew I'd ever force myself to test on this. Nonetheless, I tried and I think I did badly. Nervous, and talking to someone I don't personally know is a weakness of mine, especially the problem where I can't spit out my experiences to a stranger.

The topic I got was the hardest one I can ever be asked. Firstly, I don't want to be emotional on my interview session, so I went on with some of the most typical moments with my classmates instead. At least there are a few fragments of what to tell there.

Getting back on topic. I bet you want to know why, as the topic suggests. Firstly let I told you about the DJ club interview. My topic was one that I feared the most. My favourite childhood memories, which I don't have any. That night got me thinking.


Don't actually want to get deep into details... after what happened yesterday night.
I've been ... just say lonely, up to university.

Never knew what or who friends are. Guess I've been too loose on that, and I'm very... kind hearted and soft actually.
You can see me looking like an emo kid, murderous-like and doesn't wish to speak. But seriously, speak to me and you'll know.


Yeah, Michael told me that I do look like a gangster when he first saw me entering the class. But seriously, I'm like in another solar system compared to that. Serious.



Being a so-called "pro in computer" under my situation is bad. I'd fix up anyone's computer(s) (tablets and phones included) for free because they're my "friend".
They all ran away after claiming their device(s) back.
Only to come back when there's more problem... or related problems.
Even so, those are the people that I see everyday. My classmates.

Ended up I hurt myself more than anything else. So this is for you, all my high school "friends".

Fuck you all.

And if relationships are all about trust, then maybe I'm just too gullible.

720p goodness.

Let's see... how should I express this? Mobile gaming is not really my thing, office-related things are definitely out of the question. So let me express in this way.

Typed this on a full 4.65 inch screen with 1280x720 resolution display.

Desire vs. brains

It's always the both of these which are directly contrasting.
I'll never let desires take over.

Personalities

It's something significant and very hard to be determined, at least in my opinion.

My surprise is that one of the group in my class did the topic on personalities in a video forum. As usual, everything is very vague. I understood partially yet questions are popping out.

Simple classifications of personalities from the 4 basic elements, earth, wind, fire and water, to the current Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and also a major contribution by Carl Jung.

Here you have 16 different personalities. Testing by introversion or extroversion, intuitive or sensor, thinking or sensing, feeling or perception. Somehow I took these tests before when I completed SPM and I got INTJ.

Seems like the consistency is there. I retook one exam and I got back INTJ.

INTJ - one of the rarest personalities in the world.
Rarity makes me happy! XD

I then Google'd for a lot of INTJ personality profiles and most of the written statements overlaps each other, namely these :

• apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything
• produces an unusual independence of mind 
• perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play 
• possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability 
• really want people to make sense 
• less sociable
• value intelligence, knowledge, and competence
• generates ideas and possibilities 
• putting their ideas into a useful form 
• spend a lot of time inside their own minds

Sources of it is from here and here.

I always wondered what and who I am. Personality tests are one thing that I don't really trust, given in vagueness and some inconsistency between tests, but gives an outline of who we are.

Given that I am with an INTJ personality, one of the rarest personality of all, is indeed fascinating even for myself. I value rarity as it sets a gap between mainstream and themselves. Personally speaking, I don't think I found anyone that came across in my life that has such personality. After all, it's still one of the rarest personality in the world.

One thing I'm amazed when I retook the exam is that the results are same as before. Guess I'm true to who I am.

To everyone,

Be yourself!

High school

It's been more than a year since I last set foot in my high school. It turned 100 years old this year, so happy birthday and have a grand century.

Happy 100th birthday!

St. Michael's Institution Ipoh. First started off as a rented Malay house (I think) during 1912 with all the discriminated students from other schools attending this school's first class session in Kampung Pisang.

From there, 100 years have passed. Year 2012 is the year we celebrate St.Michael's Institution Ipoh's 100th birthday.

Lucky enough I'm the 98th year's class monitor for class 5SC4. Proud? Not really.

___________________________________________________________

Celebration ends. I'm going to continue with my ranting. It's not about the school, it's the people.

I've seen such ignorant teachers, discriminated students, gangster students and also stuck-up attitude students.

I think I can consider myself as a victim of discrimination. You might say this is due to me myself as an introvert, and yes, I agree as this is a valid point. I find myself not wanting to speak. Not wanting to break the cold ice. Not wanting to communicate. Maybe this is due to the little gut I have to open my mouth or plainly want to avoid any conversation.

Best example of this is the barber. While the barber cuts my hair, she tend to speak a lot and ask me a lot of questions. I tend to answer in a very vague, short sentences in a soft voice.

Being an introvert is already a big disadvantage as no one will ever care about you. You are totally invisible in their eyes, well, at least in this school.

I guess it's a typical high school situation here, typical discrimination and stuff like that.

Obviously nearly everyone in high school is with a herd mentality and does not manifest the differences among each other. I am one that walks funny, talks tech and listens to weird music. Discriminated? Yes. They only come and talk to me if something regarding computers. Well, let's not talk about personality here. There was a video forum about personalities last week and I think my brain got messed up by that.

Even whenever I go out with my family, I always get looked at like I'm an alien with a mask of the cold blooded killer. They all look at me with a "do not want" face. Seriously people, GROW UP!

Let's compare and contrast, shall we?

In high school, everyone gave me the look, teachers ask me every time what happened to me. They all treat me differently as if I'm the black sheep. Obviously discriminated because of my leg by the looks.

In the university,people are more open minded and are much more understanding. They approach with a friendly manner and is easily sociable though I'm an introvert. That's the way I love it to be.

Yeah, now, thanks Ipoh people and St. Michael for making me such an emotionally strong person to ignore what others think or why others look at me.

_______________________________________________________

Rant ends. Enough about that, I wish to forget about it and enjoy my time. Just wanna spew it all out so that I can move on with life and enjoy as much as I can in university.

To all - I dedicate this song for you

When you're close to tears, remember,

Someday, it'll all be over.

One day we're gonna get

So high...

Till next time, people. I never ranted much about my personal things and I think I have to do so now to release the poison within me.

Even if no one reads this, at least thanks for reading this P/S section.