Feeling uneasy

Hey, look. The previous post was in a pretty bad timing. Shit happened around the time I published it. And yes, it is to you, Dugi. So hear me out here.

I can't control how you feel about yourself since that happened. If I hurt your feelings, then I'm honestly really sorry.

You're not trash nor shit. You're still my brother and best friend. You're my trash and my shit.

I want us to get better. All of us. Including your EQ which we have discussed, not entire the best.

But hey, this is a part of how we grow together. We learn from each other and get better.

This is the journey that we both signed up together.

Lemme get you a beer to cheer you up, alright?

Maturity

It's quite weird to say this but here's something I just want to let it out. Since my melancholy season is inactive now, it's a holy season is inactive now, it's a good time to say these things out.

When I was told things didn't change, well - in some aspect, that's true. In fact, it got even better. The bond matured. Became stronger like 2-part epoxy just got cured. That only happened only after some struggle, which is also like wrestling the parts and holding it in place to let the epoxy dry.

Things did change - but just that it's somewhat considered minor, I'd guess. Hugs are gone though I honestly miss that a lot since I do like hugs. Talks about family stuff is mostly nonexistent now since I can see things for myself and there are no happening these days - which is good.

Then as for interaction... well... it does seem to have gotten better but that needs constant monitoring and checking as well. That in itself filled me with joy.

And I just want to take this opportunity to say this.

Hi, if you're reading this - probably you aren't because who comes here anyway - then yeah, hi. I actually only know one person who comes here and read this.

Hey yo, Dugi. My brother from another mother.

I'm not trying to creep you out but just hear me out here. I kinda feel that we're both along the lines of "I don't deserve goodness" type of mentality, but I am obviously more expressive than you. Also sorry if I'm harsh to you. I want us to get better. And that's just the way I am.

Drop me a PM after you read this perhaps? I don't know, lol.

I appreciate you in my life. A lot. We have our own squabbles but honestly, that's how bonds get stronger as we can understand and look past our differences after the squabble. That's maturity.

Also, yeah. I take my time to actually show you that I am grateful to have you - even though we have our own different ways of showing it. This is my way. No matter how small, I still get some token of appreciation with the best of my ability.

Honestly, who doesn't wish for something in return, right? Even when someone said "I don't wish for anything in return when I do good", most of the time it's a lie. I'm really just hoping for a strong personal relationship from the people that I care. That's all.

And for me, I'm an emotional guy and gets touched easily. Personal attachment and relationship is important to me. Yet for me, some simple birthday celebration from those I care is already a great present for me. Have a chat, eat together, take some pictures together.

While some people think it's always the grandeur celebration is what people wants, that's wrong. I just like to spend time with those I care, and shown that I am cared by them too. Not just words, but actions. And it's always the thought that counts. Make it effective and efficient.

Improvements

I'm not sure what I did or what happened - but improvement is seen everywhere. And I'm very happy about it, actually. As time goes by, I hope that things will be even better, of course. But maintaining isn't bad either.

Whatever that started this change, I'm happy about it. Perhaps sometimes a full on rant does help in calming my mind and for some reason, set things in motion.

Yeah, I agree that I'm impatient and I want favorable results instantly - but aren't we all, though? Why wait when it can be done now and there is nothing stopping us? Procrastination only means imminent death - and if there is no motivation or "force" to push someone to do something, then it is bound to be forgotten and abandoned.

Richard Wiseman's experiment rings true here - if you want to combat procrastination, then just do it first. Take a small step and eventually you will follow through and complete it. Like an assignment - type a sentence or two first, then you'll eventually finish it. Psychology is a funny thing.

As for how things are going, I'm just happy with it. Tolerance, understanding, and patience are important. And they are required from both parties - and I'm glad that I don't feel that it is one sided anymore.

Maybe it's not me

Maybe. Just maybe. Why? Because I'm logical in a way.

Think about it - do you actually took the effort or initiative to get to know me? The entire thing has been a one-sudden thing to begin with!

I am indeed blinded and did not look at how things could pan out from the beginning - but that is obviously that I am somehow just blinded by hope like I always had been. Never to think with my heart - only to think with my brain. All the time.

Now it's lies on top of lies all the time. They might seem like white lies and think "eh I can get away with it", but sorry - I'm not dumb and I have an eye and my brain. I can see and I can make mental notes.

These lies - either white lies or not - are still lies that hinders trust. Don't tell me that lying on things that don't matter is okay, because CLEARLY it is not. Why lie on things don't matter in the first place? They don't matter, right? Then why lie about it?

When it comes to things that I personally hold dearly, then for the love of god - please don't ever take advantage of that weakness of me. I am super soft when it comes to this and I guess in a way, that is the one and only path that I still open up to let people in. And yet I don't see a point of keeping it open now already.

To help someone requires commitment, time, and effort. Hence that's why it becomes "dear to me", no?

When you say something, then make sure you do it. That is your promise. Never say one thing and do another, then when confronted, you just say "oh, change of plans." Once or twice, that is alright - but when that happens often, trust starts to break.

If you want me to change myself then don't just say "hey, I want to do this for you" and then end up sitting on the bench, spectating. Do it. Action speaks louder than words.

And then there's this constant active avoidance of my being. No idea why, but it is happening.

Now, I have absolutely no idea what to do. The situation is just wtf.

I don't want to turn back to the old days - but I can't do it alone.
Save me. Please.

2018 in a nutshell

Years are just numbers. Though, they serve as a checkpoint for benchmarks or a reference point. Not gonna lie, it's a bumpy yet interesting year to say the least.

There are things that definitely need cracking down to ensure smooth operations throughout - and that means someone needs to be stern - even if it is frowned upon. To be stern is where people will start to hate me. Or even retaliate, for that matter.

In short, I'll volunteer to be the scapegoat. And that's okay. I need things to work out - not just give in to whatever minor excuse or complaint. I'm stressed, for fuck's sake. I can't tank.

I think it's okay to not have personal connection to anything or anyone. Everyone is just surviving to get by life anyway.

The "new year, new me" thing is not that applicable to me this time around. I'm going for "new year, old me" instead. Why? Because it sucks to be a soft-hearted. I still think it's better to be cold.

I tried to lower my guard since August of 2017. I remember that series of event and the triggers that happened. Seeing all the things that are happening, I thought things will be different. So I gave in, listened to my heart - and it was obviously the wrong choice. I got hurt once again.

My anger is overwhelming. Everything is turning back to what it was like in early 2017. Keeping my distance. No one to talk to, no one to hug, no one to have some boundless heart to heart talk. And now I'm loveless again.

For something to happen is to actually take action and do something. Don't expect everything to just happen and "go with the flow".
But like I said, it takes two to clap. If I do something and the other party doesn't do anything, then it's useless and pointless.

If you try to help someone, then take action. Don't sit and wait for something to happen miraculously - that's never going to happen. If you care, take action. Take actions that are hard-hitting, not just pointlessly beating around the bush. Simple as that.

Now that I'm back to keeping my distance, I dare you to try and catch up. This "paywall" can honestly be a legitimacy test.