Maybe it's not me

Maybe. Just maybe. Why? Because I'm logical in a way.

Think about it - do you actually took the effort or initiative to get to know me? The entire thing has been a one-sudden thing to begin with!

I am indeed blinded and did not look at how things could pan out from the beginning - but that is obviously that I am somehow just blinded by hope like I always had been. Never to think with my heart - only to think with my brain. All the time.

Now it's lies on top of lies all the time. They might seem like white lies and think "eh I can get away with it", but sorry - I'm not dumb and I have an eye and my brain. I can see and I can make mental notes.

These lies - either white lies or not - are still lies that hinders trust. Don't tell me that lying on things that don't matter is okay, because CLEARLY it is not. Why lie on things don't matter in the first place? They don't matter, right? Then why lie about it?

When it comes to things that I personally hold dearly, then for the love of god - please don't ever take advantage of that weakness of me. I am super soft when it comes to this and I guess in a way, that is the one and only path that I still open up to let people in. And yet I don't see a point of keeping it open now already.

To help someone requires commitment, time, and effort. Hence that's why it becomes "dear to me", no?

When you say something, then make sure you do it. That is your promise. Never say one thing and do another, then when confronted, you just say "oh, change of plans." Once or twice, that is alright - but when that happens often, trust starts to break.

If you want me to change myself then don't just say "hey, I want to do this for you" and then end up sitting on the bench, spectating. Do it. Action speaks louder than words.

And then there's this constant active avoidance of my being. No idea why, but it is happening.

Now, I have absolutely no idea what to do. The situation is just wtf.

I don't want to turn back to the old days - but I can't do it alone.
Save me. Please.