2018 in a nutshell

Years are just numbers. Though, they serve as a checkpoint for benchmarks or a reference point. Not gonna lie, it's a bumpy yet interesting year to say the least.

There are things that definitely need cracking down to ensure smooth operations throughout - and that means someone needs to be stern - even if it is frowned upon. To be stern is where people will start to hate me. Or even retaliate, for that matter.

In short, I'll volunteer to be the scapegoat. And that's okay. I need things to work out - not just give in to whatever minor excuse or complaint. I'm stressed, for fuck's sake. I can't tank.

I think it's okay to not have personal connection to anything or anyone. Everyone is just surviving to get by life anyway.

The "new year, new me" thing is not that applicable to me this time around. I'm going for "new year, old me" instead. Why? Because it sucks to be a soft-hearted. I still think it's better to be cold.

I tried to lower my guard since August of 2017. I remember that series of event and the triggers that happened. Seeing all the things that are happening, I thought things will be different. So I gave in, listened to my heart - and it was obviously the wrong choice. I got hurt once again.

My anger is overwhelming. Everything is turning back to what it was like in early 2017. Keeping my distance. No one to talk to, no one to hug, no one to have some boundless heart to heart talk. And now I'm loveless again.

For something to happen is to actually take action and do something. Don't expect everything to just happen and "go with the flow".
But like I said, it takes two to clap. If I do something and the other party doesn't do anything, then it's useless and pointless.

If you try to help someone, then take action. Don't sit and wait for something to happen miraculously - that's never going to happen. If you care, take action. Take actions that are hard-hitting, not just pointlessly beating around the bush. Simple as that.

Now that I'm back to keeping my distance, I dare you to try and catch up. This "paywall" can honestly be a legitimacy test.

After some talking and some thought

It's always good to clarify things, no matter how small or ridiculous it sounds. For me, if *something* bothers me, I'll want to get answers from it. If there are multiple of these tiny little annoyances, they'll surely build up and annoy the hell out of me.

Yes, many things have been on my mind. Had the opportunity to at least talk a part of it. That helped. A lot. Though I can't have everything vomited out at once - that's just impossible since these doubts come in small dosages over time.

After that, I did some thinking after that - which I tend to overdo - and this time around, let me just say that I'll give things another chance. Things seem to be lining itself up and asking a chance for a reset and redo.

This time I'll do things differently. First thing is to banish my expectations entirely. I'm going in again with zero expectations. Hopes kill and dreams are suicidal - but unexpected glimmer of hope shown by others is always a wonderful gesture of mutual understanding of the intention to move forward together. That also means the relationship is not one-sided.

Secondly is to always talk things out. It's never going to be a smooth journey. If things are always smooth sailing, it's too good to be remotely true. There will be disagreements, but the ability to solve and get through such obstacle depends on both parties.

I got here not by chance but by some sort of gravitational force. I can give this another chance but I am trying to shift my perspective on things.

Experiments are about repeating the same thing over and over again but with tweaks - even just tiny little ones. That's how we can optimize the methodology and get the results.

So what if I failed 3 times? Or four? Or five? I have nothing to lose.
I can always try again - but with tweaks.
Let's march onwards on this never-ending journey that does not have any tracks.

Moving on

As time goes by, I think at this point of time, some things are much more apparent. While I still would like to experience some of that childhood innocence and magic, it's apparent that everyone else has changed - obviously physically and mentally.

In words from Keane, everybody's changing. Actually, everybody has already changed. Just that I have not changed. I've been clinging on to achieve something that I was set out to do a decade ago.

It's time for me to move on from this delusion, even though it is definitely not easy.

I admit. I'm someone who's not really that experienced in befriending people and I don't particularly know how to be a friend too. And yeah, I am abnormal. Actually, who is "normal"? What is "normal"? Everyone is different, and there is no one template that everyone fits in. So fuck it with the "normal".

It's about compatibility. Everyone has different compatibility. Some people are just more compatible with others, while some like me just aren't compatible with others in general.

For me, the goal to find a best friend has been disappointing to say the least. The incompatibility might be an odd case at first, but given that it's already the 3rd time, I think it is all but confirmed. The problem is with me. I might as well give up.

I guess the thing is that I don't have any hope for the whole best friend thing anymore. The journey is something that I promised to go along with, but I don't think I'll be putting in any more extra effort, though old habits die hard.

Long-term hope that just get burned down is much more damaging. Hope is dangerous. Dreams are suicidal.

Every action has a reaction and it takes two hands to clap. If I do things but without any reaction, then why should I continue?


My initial guess is correct then. In this world, it's always better if I am with an impenetrable cold heart. Just block everyone off.

Less troubles, less worries, and definitely less hope and less dreams.

Just do what I must and fuck off. If things don't work out, then leave.
What is there to be afraid in losing someone or something, right?

I can do better on my own.
I am already doing better on my own.

Always do what was said

Lies. No matter how small or big or insignificant you think it is, have its own consequences.

When you say something just for the fun of it, then be prepared to face the consequences.
Never say one thing and do another.

That's where the sense of distrust and doubt sprouts.

I honestly don't go and do things just to be lied to.
Nor I want to be lied to.
That's just horrible.

Lies might sometimes seem to be for the better for a particular situation now, but it's never a good idea in the long term. That's where the sense of betrayal comes.
Once the lie is exposed - which it will, there's no turning back.

Just be honest.
In the things you say.
In the things you do.
In relationships.
In life.
Be honest.

John 4:19

We love because he first loved us.


Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.

Christmas is coming

Seems like things started even earlier this year. It's not even December yet and the Christmas gear is already churning.

Christmas is always a time that I like. It's a time to chill. Stay back and relax a little. Enjoy the beautiful light show and the decoration. For some reason, it makes me feel cozy.

Here's the time to voice out your appreciations and whatnot too. Christmas only happens once a year.

Christmas is also known as the time of giving. And that's where I'm going to get something - no matter how small of a gift - as a token of appreciation throughout the year. I know, a little gift can't tell the whole story of what these people have contributed throughout the year. But at least it's something.

Speaking of which, time to do my Christmas shopping.
Add to cart.
Check out.

Done. ETA: 2nd December to 22nd December.
Now I just hope it'll arrive before Christmas.

Seeking intimacy? Or just lonely?

In life, it's difficult to be living alone. I'm someone who likes to be alone sometimes, but alone with the one or two people that I want to be with.

I want to actually have someone to talk to when I need to. Someone I can pour my heart to everyday regardless of what sort of topic it is.

Some call it intimacy - which I think I'm seeking for it quite desperately. Some call it soulmate or best friend - which is something that is really dear to me.

I hope that I already have someone who I can call a soulmate or a best friend for life. A decade later - there's hope, but seemingly unstable, it seems. That's because I've been rejected. And I'm still very much pissed off about that even after all that I've done. Feels like all the effort for nothing other than a false hope.

Let's face it - I missed my window of opportunity completely. The window for the magically innocent childhood friendship where lifelong best friendships are most likely to form.

Ironic, isn't it? As people get older, the gates into their lives shuts off completely. You'll only be closest with the people that you met during your childhood days.

Honestly, no idea what I'm doing in life when it comes to this. I missed my opportunity and I want to get something magical back - but that's impossible.

Perhaps it's time to find a girlfriend that can deal with my shit.
The worst feeling I can ever get is to be deliberately ignored or avoided - which I can feel happening to me now.

I've done my part here and maybe it's time for me to fuck off. Perhaps it's time for me to seal off my gates too. Just that I'll be living alone and lonely forever too.

Guess it's time to cry myself to sleep.

Recurring feeling

It seems like I've been getting a lot of the same feeling these days. Recurring feeling of depression. Might be because of the seasonal deprivation that kicked in from the previous post on this blog.

It's... just not pleasant. Makes me feel like crying myself to sleep these days.




On a side note, goodbye Google Plus. There's nothing but salty, terrible memories there.

Deprivation

Just when I thought the void is getting sealed, well, it feels like I've been disowned again. I do so much and yet everting goes unrecognized.

I finally get to know one thing - why this is important to me.

Without a loving male father figure in my life, I guess I'm just deprived of that feel. The love from a male figure in live.

Some might call it gay, but you should try going through life without a loving father.

But hey, I can't do anything about it. I do wish that one day I can reconcile with this. But I don't have any hope right now as I lost every bit of it.

Bye.

My thoughts right now

It's funny how these two posts came around. Instantly, I shared them.

Disappointed at myself. For doing such idiotic things.