After some talking and some thought

It's always good to clarify things, no matter how small or ridiculous it sounds. For me, if *something* bothers me, I'll want to get answers from it. If there are multiple of these tiny little annoyances, they'll surely build up and annoy the hell out of me.

Yes, many things have been on my mind. Had the opportunity to at least talk a part of it. That helped. A lot. Though I can't have everything vomited out at once - that's just impossible since these doubts come in small dosages over time.

After that, I did some thinking after that - which I tend to overdo - and this time around, let me just say that I'll give things another chance. Things seem to be lining itself up and asking a chance for a reset and redo.

This time I'll do things differently. First thing is to banish my expectations entirely. I'm going in again with zero expectations. Hopes kill and dreams are suicidal - but unexpected glimmer of hope shown by others is always a wonderful gesture of mutual understanding of the intention to move forward together. That also means the relationship is not one-sided.

Secondly is to always talk things out. It's never going to be a smooth journey. If things are always smooth sailing, it's too good to be remotely true. There will be disagreements, but the ability to solve and get through such obstacle depends on both parties.

I got here not by chance but by some sort of gravitational force. I can give this another chance but I am trying to shift my perspective on things.

Experiments are about repeating the same thing over and over again but with tweaks - even just tiny little ones. That's how we can optimize the methodology and get the results.

So what if I failed 3 times? Or four? Or five? I have nothing to lose.
I can always try again - but with tweaks.
Let's march onwards on this never-ending journey that does not have any tracks.

Moving on

As time goes by, I think at this point of time, some things are much more apparent. While I still would like to experience some of that childhood innocence and magic, it's apparent that everyone else has changed - obviously physically and mentally.

In words from Keane, everybody's changing. Actually, everybody has already changed. Just that I have not changed. I've been clinging on to achieve something that I was set out to do a decade ago.

It's time for me to move on from this delusion, even though it is definitely not easy.

I admit. I'm someone who's not really that experienced in befriending people and I don't particularly know how to be a friend too. And yeah, I am abnormal. Actually, who is "normal"? What is "normal"? Everyone is different, and there is no one template that everyone fits in. So fuck it with the "normal".

It's about compatibility. Everyone has different compatibility. Some people are just more compatible with others, while some like me just aren't compatible with others in general.

For me, the goal to find a best friend has been disappointing to say the least. The incompatibility might be an odd case at first, but given that it's already the 3rd time, I think it is all but confirmed. The problem is with me. I might as well give up.

I guess the thing is that I don't have any hope for the whole best friend thing anymore. The journey is something that I promised to go along with, but I don't think I'll be putting in any more extra effort, though old habits die hard.

Long-term hope that just get burned down is much more damaging. Hope is dangerous. Dreams are suicidal.

Every action has a reaction and it takes two hands to clap. If I do things but without any reaction, then why should I continue?


My initial guess is correct then. In this world, it's always better if I am with an impenetrable cold heart. Just block everyone off.

Less troubles, less worries, and definitely less hope and less dreams.

Just do what I must and fuck off. If things don't work out, then leave.
What is there to be afraid in losing someone or something, right?

I can do better on my own.
I am already doing better on my own.

Always do what was said

Lies. No matter how small or big or insignificant you think it is, have its own consequences.

When you say something just for the fun of it, then be prepared to face the consequences.
Never say one thing and do another.

That's where the sense of distrust and doubt sprouts.

I honestly don't go and do things just to be lied to.
Nor I want to be lied to.
That's just horrible.

Lies might sometimes seem to be for the better for a particular situation now, but it's never a good idea in the long term. That's where the sense of betrayal comes.
Once the lie is exposed - which it will, there's no turning back.

Just be honest.
In the things you say.
In the things you do.
In relationships.
In life.
Be honest.

John 4:19

We love because he first loved us.


Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.

Christmas is coming

Seems like things started even earlier this year. It's not even December yet and the Christmas gear is already churning.

Christmas is always a time that I like. It's a time to chill. Stay back and relax a little. Enjoy the beautiful light show and the decoration. For some reason, it makes me feel cozy.

Here's the time to voice out your appreciations and whatnot too. Christmas only happens once a year.

Christmas is also known as the time of giving. And that's where I'm going to get something - no matter how small of a gift - as a token of appreciation throughout the year. I know, a little gift can't tell the whole story of what these people have contributed throughout the year. But at least it's something.

Speaking of which, time to do my Christmas shopping.
Add to cart.
Check out.

Done. ETA: 2nd December to 22nd December.
Now I just hope it'll arrive before Christmas.

Seeking intimacy? Or just lonely?

In life, it's difficult to be living alone. I'm someone who likes to be alone sometimes, but alone with the one or two people that I want to be with.

I want to actually have someone to talk to when I need to. Someone I can pour my heart to everyday regardless of what sort of topic it is.

Some call it intimacy - which I think I'm seeking for it quite desperately. Some call it soulmate or best friend - which is something that is really dear to me.

I hope that I already have someone who I can call a soulmate or a best friend for life. A decade later - there's hope, but seemingly unstable, it seems. That's because I've been rejected. And I'm still very much pissed off about that even after all that I've done. Feels like all the effort for nothing other than a false hope.

Let's face it - I missed my window of opportunity completely. The window for the magically innocent childhood friendship where lifelong best friendships are most likely to form.

Ironic, isn't it? As people get older, the gates into their lives shuts off completely. You'll only be closest with the people that you met during your childhood days.

Honestly, no idea what I'm doing in life when it comes to this. I missed my opportunity and I want to get something magical back - but that's impossible.

Perhaps it's time to find a girlfriend that can deal with my shit.
The worst feeling I can ever get is to be deliberately ignored or avoided - which I can feel happening to me now.

I've done my part here and maybe it's time for me to fuck off. Perhaps it's time for me to seal off my gates too. Just that I'll be living alone and lonely forever too.

Guess it's time to cry myself to sleep.

Recurring feeling

It seems like I've been getting a lot of the same feeling these days. Recurring feeling of depression. Might be because of the seasonal deprivation that kicked in from the previous post on this blog.

It's... just not pleasant. Makes me feel like crying myself to sleep these days.




On a side note, goodbye Google Plus. There's nothing but salty, terrible memories there.

Deprivation

Just when I thought the void is getting sealed, well, it feels like I've been disowned again. I do so much and yet everting goes unrecognized.

I finally get to know one thing - why this is important to me.

Without a loving male father figure in my life, I guess I'm just deprived of that feel. The love from a male figure in live.

Some might call it gay, but you should try going through life without a loving father.

But hey, I can't do anything about it. I do wish that one day I can reconcile with this. But I don't have any hope right now as I lost every bit of it.

Bye.

My thoughts right now

It's funny how these two posts came around. Instantly, I shared them.

Disappointed at myself. For doing such idiotic things.

Craziness vs. Insanity

To get over something is by accepting. It's not simple. Sometimes I think that some things are special, but I'm wrong. Always.

Then I start getting numb over these things. Eventually, nothing is special to me even if it truly is special. Something like the when someone lies too many times and eventually, no one believes even though it's true.

For me, I start to realize there's really nothing to lose at all. Everything is replaceable or disposable. Even me.

Psychologically, people start getting crazy and go rogue when they realized this. There's nothing to lose, so why not go all out? No point lying to yourself to make others happy either.


There's nothing holding you back - and no one can tell you to stop. But this is where many people start to go from crazy to insane.

Without the limitation or confinement of someone or something telling you to stop, people go all out and mostly for the wrong reason. Keep your sanity in check from time to time even when there's nothing to lose.

Just from time to time. Let yourself go crazy and try everything instead.

In words of Linkin Park -

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter



But hey - humans say one thing but do the other. Let's just see how long I can last in numbness before I start feeling again.

Acknowledgements

A simple hello, hi, or a simple gesture just to acknowledge the presence of a person isn't that difficult, no?

Acts as a "oh hey, you're here" and that's enough. It makes a lot of differences.

Perhaps pointing things out in a confrontation helps, but that's the last thing I want to do.

I don't think things will turn back to its original form after any confrontation. It's not nitinol.

Still, confrontation is the only method to move forward.

I'm too scared to confront, but have things to say.
Such is life.

Perhaps you should initiate the confrontation instead.

Being pushed away

To me personally, it's been a year since the trigger. A lot has happened and a lot has changed since then. And it seems to be going full circle and back to the beginning where things were at a bad state.

Firstly, it feels like I'm being pushed away again. Unwanted and just discarded. Disregarded. Better to be invisible at times.

I don't really care much about praise and shit like that - mostly just acknowledgement that I'm a human. I mean, respond to me and talk like a human is fine. Sharing, talking, interacting.

Honestly speaking, my soul has been turning back to its hollow and loveless state again since these past 2 months or so. Life has pretty much been in autopilot mode since then.

I'm pissed at times but I can't show. I literally want to break stuff at times but I can't do it.

I guess that's life for me.
Working all the time.
Forever alone all the way.
Not like I bother, though.
Been this way for many years already.
How much worse can it get?

Moving out

Yes, as the title suggest, it's time. The time for me to move out is finally here.

Thinking back, it's been nearly a year since the idea came up. After so much waiting, the time has arrived.

Being my first time moving out, I'm anxious. Really anxious. And afraid. And somewhat excited? I have no idea what's to come.

To be completely honest, at that time I was throwing around this idea for me to move there as a way to integrate our working place more tightly. It eventually became a thing and I realized how crucial it is for us to all work at one place at the same time.

The other reason to move there is a personal one. I mean... my best friend and brother - someone very important to me - was in quite a bad state at that time. Helped him out and lots have improved - but there are many other things to be improved further. I guess that's where I step in?

Now the real thing is happening and I'm just having a mixed bag of emotions. The best way to deal with something is to do it face to face - but confrontations 
aren't my forte either.



To care for others, perhaps I need to be cared for a while.



The transition period will definitely be a weird one. Hopefully everything works out smoothly and quickly.

Don't know if I can focus back at work instantly with a shakeup at a fundamental level.

By the way, 2/5 phones have finished reviewing. Other 3 will be short reviews soooooooo yeah. Heading to Taipei again too. Hopefully my leg doesn't fuck itself up this time.
Stressful times ahead.

It's something really personal

Each time I'm updating here means that I'm not really feeling good.
Yeah, it's been quite a few weeks since I last felt good, actually.
Have been sleeping a lot too - a sign of depression.

Things have been weird.

It's something personal that I usually just suck it up and dismiss it. From the past experience, I know this isn't something healthy to do. So, I guess I'll make a little change this time - though I doubt it'll do any difference at all.

It's about my leg. My right leg. This little fucked up leg. It's caused me enough issues. To be honest, sometimes I wonder if it's better to just amputate it and get a bionic leg instead - if the technology is up for it.

I've got a lot of things to talk about this leg. It's late now - or very early, depending on how you see it. Perhaps next time, if this no good feeling still looms over me.

Still, it's something personal that I doubt others will even understand. That is, if those other people even bother to try to understand.

No one really cares for me to the extent that I care for others.

And hey, the list of things to do here in this link is quite good.

Finding the reason why these things happened

Before I begin, I just want to highlight something. Recently, I found out a way to break overthinking - that is to lay out everything and analyze the whole situation. That's what meditation is for - and this space here has become... my space to lay everything out.

Seems fair, because it's my blog after all. This is a blog, by the way. NLT is my main site - not a blogger. I make impacts on the company that I work with. I influence minds.

Ironically, I can't influence my own mind. I know I've been going on and repeating this issue for many times, but I think I finally know more reasons why it happens. And how to stop it.

People say that we adults are actually the result of our past. Our childhood. Our past experiences. I actually somewhat agree to this. As people get older, their personal touch is lost and gates to their personal life are closed. Which means as you get older, you have less new people that are close to you.

I can quite confirm that the reason why I began my 10-year quest to search for a best friend. It's from my brother. His best friend and he are friends since they were still kids - probably before I was even born. They're friends for more than 20 years - and they're only 30 years old now.

Yes. I was jealous. I still am jealous now, actually. I only began the search when I was... 14 or so.

Years have passed since the search began. It made me become a person who actually pick and choose people so meticulously that I only have a handful of people I can truly help. And for those I truly help, I do it in a complete package. From top to bottom. Literally take away the task and do it entirely for them. If I think someone is worth the extra effort, I'll proactively help them as well.

Which what led to my demise with the Note 4 guy. I was being used. Being taken advantage.

I won't even stop if the task is incomplete. I don't care if it's my own task or it's something that I'm just helping out. A task is a task, and I have to complete it. Else, I get anxious and restless.

Still not sure what it means by "giving chance", but if my preconception is correct, it means by giving a window of opportunity to others to help me back. How I work is simple - you want me to give you chance, then you have to proactively rob it from me, or tell me outright.

Now, however, I wonder how things have come to be.
Sometimes I wonder if my 10-year quest is still going on, or has it ended already?
I get the feeling of underappreciated, not thanked, not loved, and generally just ignored.
Sometimes it feels like I'm being pushed away.
Sometimes, it felt like I'm being used. Again.
Perhaps it's a test of time.
But I'm losing patience.
I'm desperate to make up for the time I lost.

I'm a quarter century old now, yet I still can't get this right.

Perhaps I'm fated to not have this.

Life sure does feels lonely.

25th Birthday

Welcome to the quarter-life crisis! I have to say, my quarter-life crisis is not the usual one out there. Birthdays aren't my thing, because I personally didn't get to experience a proper birthday celebration before.

25th birthday. 6th March 2018. Here's what happened.

Woke up to attend event. Gotta work, still. Jammed all the way to Nu Sentral for the Honor event. Got a lucky draw ticket with the number 115. Fair enough. Sat through the whole event and do my thing as usual. Lucky draw winners were number 114 and something else. Fuck.

Off to lunch. Thanks for the fish and chips - it tastes good!

Fetch someone to Damansara Perdana since it's on the way.
Then off to work the second round.

Work is still... the same as usual. ASUS delivered 4 slices of cake with a "happy birthday" stabby thing. Thanks a bunch. Seriously. I'm shy though.

Shy because this is like the first time I ever got such thing.

Then back to work again.

Once work is done (which is like 10pm) then everyone's leaving. Then I remembered - those 4 slices of cakes. Might as well eat it before we leave.

Then talked about stuff till midnight.

And that's about it. Nothing else.

---

Now, here's the thing. I never had any blowy candle cake birthday celebration before, actually. Yeah, I know. 25 years old and I have not experienced such things before.
That's the thing - my entire childhood is pretty much... uneventful with just shit all over the place.

I can't believe the someone who delivered the slices of cake to me just pointed out that I'm blushing. Yes I am, because it's the first time I had such a thing. Can't blame me for that, I guess.

Speaking of which, I don't even know if you get 1 or 3 wishes for birthdays. Superstition, I know - but it's still a fun thing to just do. For the past 10 years or so, I've only wished for one thing. The same thing. For 10 years.
This year I wish for things to be different - but it seems like things aren't going to work out either.

Firstly, I spent my birthdays alone. I want some accompaniment this year, and I forced my way for it. Though, the company is just... well... just like any other day. Nothing special. Not even a midnight "happy birthday" from those I care for, actually.
Disappointing? Yeah, too many times till I'm numb.

Then there's the whole birthday gift thing. I know, I know. I have most of the things that I want already - but it's still nice to get something for lolz. Small gift as a memento.
It's just good to receive something after giving out so much and so many.

Good to know that I'm actually appreciated.
Good to know that there are people who care.
Good to know that I'm worthy enough.
Good to know that I'm actually in someone's mind and heart.

So that's the entire day of my 25th birthday. Quarter century old. Pretty lame.
Too late to do anything to change it now, I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'll still do what I do. Some might say it's unhealthy, but that's just me. I'm selfless to the point where even those who who are close to me just don't really acknowledge me and my own things.

Birthdays aren't meant to be such a big fuss about, but it goes to show how much someone cares about you as an individual person. How much you mean to others. And I know, I'm too old to experience a proper birthday celebration now, but I still hope to have at least once.

That's just life. My life.
That's the bittersweet memories of early March.
And I absolutely have no hope in changing that.
Prove me wrong. I dare you.

The issue is bigger than I want to admit

It's a little abrupt. I guess the thing that happened back in 2015 is way more significant than how I admit it would be. Perhaps lies and betrayal from my so-called "best friend" and the bunch of close friends are just too much.

Yeah, I know, I've been on this topic for quite a lot of time.

It's too much to the point that I can't comprehend, and end up not seeing and admitting how much it has affected me. Though on the path of recovery, I still can't really get over it, still.

This is the reason why I have trust issues. I keep my guard up. I'm just way too sensitive to any sort of lie or potential betrayal.

Guess I'll need more time dealing with this. Takes lots of encouragement, reassurance, and patience.



Time is funny indeed. When people say "time fixes everything", actually you can see it the other way around too. "Time destroys everything". It's true, time passes no matter what you did or did not do.

Though, it's a lazy way of explaining what really happened. If there's tension in the air and you let it be, then it'll grow as time goes by. Later, you'll feel like "oh, it's been way too long. Let's not dwell into that", and never clear the tension. Then, it'll end up as "time destroying your relationship".

Or perhaps you consistently work for something. Then time does work in your favour, given that you don't fuck things up.

Speaking of time, it's the night with moonlight shining in my room again. It's been more than a year since I last saw moonlight in my bedroom.

Work. Work? Work!

Here's the funny thing. Since I "resigned" from IBM, in less than a month, I was counter-offered. Kinda crazy considering the fact that I sleep in front of my manager every single day without fail. Even she respects my sleeping time and only communicate with me after I woke up.

So the counter-offer was simple. Since the company is having a hiring freeze, there was no replacement for a crucial account that the team is handling. I was offered to take up the account entirely without touching any other accounts and I can "work from home". Essentially, I'm a free man.

Or so I thought. Now I'm getting calls to join meetings and to step in to assist other accounts that I used to support. Why? Lack of resource, that's why.

Well, that's fine and all... but considering the fact that the other part is growing too, things are really getting out of hand.

Chinese New Year was supposed to be a time where I can kick back a little and enjoy some time to relax. No work, no calls, no messages about work, no talking about work. I guess that's never going to happen, as work just keeps piling up by the hour.

Seriously, there was this university mates gathering that I attended, ended up talking about websites, social media, marketing, and SEO instead. I just wanna sit down and have a good time.

I can't taichi to anyone else either. No one else is available during that time. Only me.
And I understand it's CNY, don't want to disturb others as well. Let them have their fun.

There's no one to back me up ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Guess I'm just burned out.

Honestly, it's going to get even busier in March. I just hope things go well. I'll do whatever it takes to make things go well and keep everyone happy.

Speaking of March, birthday is coming up. Yaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy. Presumably, it'll be another day full of work - not that I mind since there's no time to be wasted.
6th March.Thinking back, I've been praying and wishing for the same thing on my birthday for a decade already. At least this time I don't have to wish for the same thing like any other birthdays in the past, I hope.