Well...

Did the mistake I caused a year ago just repeated itself?

It feels the same to me, but reality shows otherwise - or at least deceiving.

No proper expression of gratitude, then eventually I'm the one who break down again.

I don't want to go through that cycle again.

Most of all, I'm afraid of having you gone.

Maybe that's why I help others. And yet I expect something proper in return. A hug, some affirmation, some friendship love.

It's kind of sad to admit that I've never experienced friendship love before. Those that you care about each other and such.

I just want one genuine friendship as described.

..... some truth?

How do you feel when you leave school after SPM, and no one contacts you at all?
The only time those people ever came back to contact is when they need my "expertise".
Each time that happens, I take that as a chance to engage back with secondary school people.
And you know what? Each time, they just ask and then after that they disappear. Poof.
Not to mention that I get scolded when I try to explain something.
The most recent time was my fault for falling into a well-laid trap.
Helped someone assemble a PC for free, but I had to travel back and forth from Puchong for 4 times.
I was requested to travel back for the 5th time just to help him install Photoshop, but I've had enough of this bullshit.

Ever since I realized this harsh truth, a black hole grew within me, within my heart.
I tried to steer the universe in my favour and obviously have failed 3 times actually.

How I steer the universe? By finding myself a best friend.

The 3 failed ones were surprisingly heart aching, you can feel the distance start to grow...
What happened next was less and less communication, and when the holidays came, the distance were few light years apart.
Didn't even say a simple "hi" during the holidays.
I'm not even referring to the long holiday during the year end, just the short two-week holiday.

This is the 4th time I tried to steer the universe in my favour.
It's looking pretty good, but the most feared thing is coming up.
I most certainly am worried.
What happens if again, distance grew and another few light years separate us again?
I don't want that to happen.

Let me ask you this - what do you feel when you're neglected or ignored?
I'm not referring to just anyone, I'm referring to your friend.
Your close friend.
Your best friend.

I tasted this bitter feel for many times.
I just want to know for sure that this won't happen to my best friend.

It's really heartbreaking when you're being thrown away by the person who is very important to you.
Almost feels like you're getting abandoned by your own parents.

I don't know if you can understand this but the reason why I'm so sensitive to these social things is because I've been thrown away too many times.
I grew tired of this bullshit.
Stop.
Each time I get thrown away, the worst part is that I have no one to go to.
I only have my own pillow to cry and soak my tears.

It's the time where I realize it's forever quality over quantity.
And quality is what I'm aiming for.

The black hole starts consuming me whenever possible.
I'm starting to cement that black hole, but I'm not sure that I can.
The ultimate test is marching forth.
I don't think I'm prepared for it...
I'm very afraid of rejection - that goes for being rejected, neglected or ignored.



It's something only time can tell.
I'll continue to steer the universe, if I can.




People also told me that since I have such issues, getting a girlfriend will solve it.
Hell no
Think about it.
If my relationship doesn't work out, then I'm totally on my own.
No external support, nothing.
For once, I think I'll go batshit insane.
This also contributes to the reason... why I need to seal up the black hole first.



And I thought this is supposed to be a "meet me halfway" thing.
Seems like I'm the one on pursuit to meet you at your doorstep.
Maybe I'm too blind to see the other 50%.



Things like these, it's always best to be told explicitly.
Indirect answers and hints just drive me crazy.
Also driving the black hole crazy.




"Don't you know that the heart is something can only be touched by others?"


It's something that can only be felt by you, but those feelings are caused by others.

Friendship - my opinion

Certainly friendship is something extraordinary. It's something that can only be felt when you have friends and you be with them.

There is another step beyond friendship where you attach the word "best" in front. This is a territory where not many treks but I think it's very important - and this is my opinion on why it is important.

Before that, I think best friends have something amazing that none other relationship has. You share love and care like a married couple does, but just without the sexually romantic thing and marriage. I think it's something wonderful that can happen to the person of the same gender or opposite gender. This is the true unconditional love.

Well life is like a room with separate doors for everyone. All are welcome to go in and out. When you go in, means you see introduced to that particular person, and you're no longer in contact when you leave. Simply analogy.

In life, twenty years old me have already met many people. Prior to my university though, they're all already gone. They left.

I was left bare lonely for 6 months straight after SPM. It does sound a little too extreme to be believable, and I don't blame you because you haven't been through it yourself.

Normal friends aren't those that you can simply share secrets with or seek their shoulder for you to cry on. Only best friends can. They'll listen, console and make you feel like you're the most wonderful thing that ever happened to their life.

However, normal friends, they're the ones that will come and go. 
Best friends are *ideally* - at least for me - those who won't leave. They jio you. They know you by heart - in an instant, without thinking.

Of course to be best friends you first have to be friends. And by that, I think I'm already very tired of reintroducing myself to everyone, then having my traits to be known by everyone else again and such.

So yeah... my best friends... I'm glad you're here.

Wtf...

God damn, I'm fucking 20 years old and I'm still fucking insecure about friendship. What the fuck man?
My biggest criteria to be a best friend to the world is to always be there for them, even when they're down or happy. Love and care unconditionally. My bony shoulder is always available for my best friends to cry on.

I also have trust issues. And that trust issue is with myself.

Are the things they say real? Is it not? I don't know.

Please don't leave me.

These... pulses of friendship insecurity has been repeating since forever...
Be gone, foul beast!

Sometimes

...

Sometimes I wish Facebook to never exist.
Why?

Because each time I browse around, I see things that makes me feel like a failure.
Particularly when someone else have memories of their high school life to show.
And yet they're in the same school and class as I am.

Another thing is when they have photos of their surprise birthday party. Damn I wish that even ONCE my birthday was celebrated. Just once.

It makes me feel all teary and sad when I saw those two things. It's something I can't "summon" to myself, and most definitely cannot force or even hint others to do it.

Guess I'll just drench in my own sorrow. Suck it up. That's life, right?

The void. The emptiness.

This is particularly something that has been bothering me since forever, but I can never get myself to tell anyone at all.

Let's start with the explanation. It's a void, an emptiness, that started to grow since the beginning of Form 4. Let's just use year 2009 as the reference.

The void spans for 2.5 years, from beginning of 2009 to mid-2011, the beginning of MMU.

The years of Form 1 to Form 3 is more like the years to get to know each other, and the remaining two years of Form 4 and Form 5 is to nurture and strengthen the bonds between each other, at least that's what I observed. I found it to be correct however as there are many living proofs.

Back to the void. In the days of 2009 and 2010... well let's just say I didn't have anyone to nurture and strengthen the bond with anyone at all. That pretty much left me to become a lone wolf for those remaining two years in secondary school.

I actually can explain why I'm such an obsessive and insecure little bugger when it comes to friendship - particularly about "best friend" part. 

Let's just say... it's either I forget about the entire 2.5 years (which means forgetting the entire "void" period) or just fill in the gap. I'm actually giving that option because I can't accept the cold fact that this actually happened. Seriously, I can't.

Forgetting is never going to happen, since constant reminder from the world about the void is always present... and the void just consumes everything I have each time that happens.

Filling in the gap is what I am constantly trying to do... but with unforeseen future... If I do have some good friends that... well... be my best friend and just fill in the entire 2.5 years, I'd be so happy that I can kiss someone. But then I know that's never going to happen, so it's a waste of time anyway.

Been on the search for best friends for... one... two... three.. four time... I lost count... but the main point is all of them failed. The only thing that motivates me to keep trying is the void itself. Ironic, since I'm trying to close it down, yet it's the only thing that keeps me moving forward.

Now however, I now have people that I can rely on, that is already filling in the 2.5 years gap... but once they leave, the gap will just go back to its original state... and I'm grateful. A shoulder to cry on or someone to celebrate successes with?

Hope this lasts forever, too. Everyone says, let it flow naturally. I don't think everything is that natural after all, and I will put effort in it, bending and manipulating it to my own will. I hope that this effort and feeling is mutual too...

One thing I can always do is just wear a mask to cover it all up, hopefully that mask will sink in, covering everything beneath it, lost and buried forever in the depths.

Insecurity of me

Yeah, I'm an insecure little bitch. I want someone to tell me that they'll be here forever, and they won't leave me until the end of time.

Well not in the lovers type of way of course, but friendship kinda way.
That won't happen though, it's something that only time will tell. My mind is always in the future or the past, it's never focused on the present time.

To be honest, I do think that's what best friends are for. Care about each other, no matter what happens.
"Best friend" is very vague word, but when you do think about it, a best friend is somewhat not so ideal at all. "Best friend" is a road not taken by many, so there are no heavy topics or debate about what it is, but I think it's an important part of life.

They're the ones who care about you indefinitely. They won't leave you when you tell them to leave, since they know you're in pain or unhappy.
Surely different people will try different methods to make that unhappiness go away.
Some people will try to cheer you up, some will ask you to pour your heart's poison out.

To be honest, I'm the kind of guy who appears to be emotionless most of the time, but then I'm actually sensitive as heck.
Funny since insecurity and sensitivity issues come from a guy like me eh?

Back to the main one, best friend is about caring for each other unconditionally and indefinitely. They'll be the one who listens to you, advices and make you feel good. Those who won't leave you alone. Those who will call you out of a sudden and make your day. Those phone calls that an introvert can't resist. It exists.


There are still many things that I cannot accept as a fact of life - particularly my own life.
If I ever got the chance to talk my heart out to someone I care, I won't hesitate at all.

I'm someone who doesn't get along well with jokes, and I find jokes a little offensive sometimes.


I always wondered - I used to live purely as a lone ranger since the beginning, why can't I continue on as a lone ranger now? I can't find the answer, and the last time I tried being a lone ranger ended up being all clingy again.

The introvert in me wants interaction, but still retracts to only about 1 or 2 person at a time.
The antisocial in me wants to continue to live back the way I used to be - alone, no headache of social stuff at all. It's quite impossible given that I'm in such a position right now.


I should really stop comparing myself to other people too. That really made me suicidal.
The past is past, we can't change the things we spent our time on. In university, it all depends on your brain and your talent. No joke that I'm already physically unfit, how can I even strive...

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Impressions

My face really does give out bad aura doesn't it?

Everyone said I give out the "I want to kill you" look before they knew me.

Damn.

2012

Promised I'll do one of post for my year in review. Here it is.

For 19 - soon 20 - years of my life, I've seen many things that many people have not. How do I confirm this? Well the things in speak of experience are incomprehensible by many. It's like I matured faster than others, creating a large gap between me and society. The agony is that I actually have a lot of problems trying to communicate even it's been years "adapting". I still suffer the same thing today.

Worst part is that with all sorts of ups and downs of life happening too people around me, I can only see but not to experience or get a share of it, let alone being in the spotlight. It's the time where I only get to learn it but never to experience the slightest bit.

2012.It's been one of those years where I just sit and watch life pass. Those time where I sit and observe, learn and hope that one day I can experience it.

Sadly though, it's a wishful thinking. More on that later.

Till next time. 4.25am. Intriguing.

Nice guys finish last? Nope, not really.

Yes, no more Mr Nice Guy. This is the new me, this is who I must be to survive in this world. (Y)

BPD

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/borderline-personality-disorder-topic-overview?page=2

BPD. Borderline personality disorder.
Bipolar disorder is one of its symptoms. I suspect I have it.

Looking deeper, I have most of what is stated there.

Cure?


"Accepting that a loved one has a personality disorder can be hard. You may feel helpless. But there are things you can do to help. Show love, and learn as much as you can about the illness. Understand that the behavior you may see-which may include anger directed at you-is caused by the illness, not by the person you love.

Know when to get help. This disorder can cause a person to become angry, violent, or suicidal. Take these situations seriously. Call for help if you think the person may be in danger or may harm someone else."


Yeah. Those are what I posted here too, that's without even knowing what BPD is.

I'm in deep trouble.

If that defines as how you want to end the friendship, so be it. I've done enough to fix it.

You want to dump it, so let it be.

I've done enough. I've been foolish to even do all those things. To even open my mouth to invite you to all those things.

I cared, too much now that I think back, but Newton's 3rd law didn't apply. No equal reaction. Never mind. You went on caring others instead.

Speaking the words of wisdom, let it be.

Support

I'm a guy who... Can easily lose hope when things are not in order or not as expected. Worst still I'm a perfectionist.

The sadness is, there's always no one there to support when I'm down. Yes, I'm being blunt about this. Seriously, none.

But then again I lived this way for 18 years already. I don't think that I can't handle this again.

Just have to keep believing.

Fuck the world.
Fuck you all.

The lies of what magical things friendship does. The lie that says your friends can look through your fake happiness mask, into your problems. Lies. All lies.

I never met anyone or saw anyone who can do that besides me myself.
Why?
Because I practice my credo.
Do what I want to be done onto me.

I developed the skill to look through people's mask. Often times I am correct.
But never the other way around.

All lies. All the brainwashing about friendship the world gives us. Lies.

Or maybe that these lies are those things that gives us hope and faith, even though it's impossible?

Choices

I'm placed at a fork road which sharp turns are inevitable. Given two choices, to leave, or not to leave? If I do leave, I'd have to let go of everything I have. If I don't, well this is pretty much what I have left.

The choice is really tough. To leave everything I have? Well it's not much but to establish everything, the foundation, the lifestyle and everything, is not as easy as it seems. Tiring still.

I'd be studying there, working there and probably spending my life there. One sad thing is that I'll know no one, so going there is really like a lone ranger though I will have a guardian who I barely know.

But... let us get back to the first point. To leave everything behind is a hard enough choice since one of my greatest fear in life is to have no accompaniment. No one beside me. To be lonely. Not alone, but lonely.

One greatest thing I can never leave behind is the people here. I know human relationships is one's most poisonous and the strongest magnet that holds you back. Let me share you my deepest, darkest, and to me, most shameful fear ever that I have.

I fear loneliness. Again, not being alone, but loneliness. You can be in between a million people and still feel loneliness because the lack of personal connection. But you can be with the same person, alone together, for hours straight and feel completely content if you have the personal connection.

I fear that I'll grow old in loneliness. I fear that when I'm going through hard times, like I did recently, in loneliness. Let's not talk about the one who gave me a middle finger and then preached to others à la the Pope. That's devastating enough. I am a guy with a girl's mind, that's what many of my friend-girls told me.


I needed support and what I got was those listed above. Such an eyesore. Such a heartache. Go, go on. I've had it. It's better that I have no support at all than to deal with this. shit.


If I am to leave everything behind, I lost everyone I ever connected with... and who should then I go to when I needed support? Loneliness in this case again? How many times and how long more can I handle? Sure I can meet new people and maybe then I'll go to them instead. Doubt I can be so positive about that though.


I can't even handle my own friendships well, how am I even to go handle a girlfriend? Worst case? I don't even know who my true friends are.


Hitz.FM shared this image.




Yeah hard times will reveal true friends they say. Maybe, but not for me. My hard times? There, I told you above. I got a middle finger. True friends they say.

More like hard times will always reveal those to be ignored when you're successful or happy.

But of course I can't lose hope this early. That's why I can't leave. I've been trying to get it hard enough. Just one is enough. I'm turning 20 less than 45 days as per this post. My God. 20 years and there's not even one?




Call me high expectation Kok or cocky Koki whatever, there's just no one. None. All the "ideal cases" people tell are lies.




Your close friends can see there's something wrong with you even when you fake everything? Fake. I can see it in my close friends, but never the other way around.




Bare in mind, I treat them as my close, even best friends but I have no idea about the other way around, or how to even define it. Gut feeling isn't there. I tried to be blunt about this and tell them directly, I got no respond. No hints, no confirmation, nothing.




I know I'm insecure.




The worst thing is, I follow the credo of "Do onto others as you would like done onto you". In other words, you just have to do what you want to be done back to you. I did it all. I expressed my ideal case through my actions. What I got is a FUCKING middle finger.

Everything in the world is a lie. Ideal cases never exist. Engineers know that. Accountants know that.


I can't force anyone at my own will, but I cannot let go of all the hopes I have in a snap of a finger. The choice can wait. Let me see if this will all go down to hell or not. If yes, I'll work there instead.


I've lived the loneliness for years, I don't see why I can't do it again, though it's painful. Better than getting tangled up into human relationships and getting middle fingers for what I do.

The me that just entered university

Those were my most enjoyable days. I masked myself to be a mean guy, which by all means influential and well liked too.

Not to mention that it's tiring too. Very tiring.

Days gone by and I lost my mask, I became the isolated weirdo. I started going back to my eccentric self, going geek, emotional and also sensitive. Then I sought again for the answers of my question. My quest was never fulfilled. Instead it educated me with byproducts.

Whatever, I don't really feel anything anymore. I thought I filled my hollow body and heart with something, but now you just came, told me those words and punctured it from the bottom. Now I'll have to patch it up, and refill again.

Seriously, too many things are happening within these few weeks, I can't really handle anymore.

I wish I could turn back time and go back to those days. Or maybe I can just emulate those days again. Put on my tiring mask again? I don't think so...