Accepting reality

when I first began this "venture", I had my doubt. Somewhere in my mind, I knew that it wouldn't work.

Eventually, those doubts were confirmed and I started to uncover more about the cold hard truth.

Being someone who's stubborn, I marched on despite the red flags, having hope that I can prove the world wrong.

Years passed, something major happened. Confrontation. It wasn't even a fair battle as it felt like a two on one. I was forced to accept that I'm wrong instead.

Once that happened, I went back to being how I was years ago. Do what I do and keep myself busy and distracted all the time. From time to time, those distractions had gaps and I became self-aware...

Now is the time that the time gap is widening. Thinking about my entire life, I'm rather lonely. No one true close friend that I can talk about everything with, or just something serious for that matter.

It's always either work, someone needing help, or just talking about mindless stuff.

I hate this feeling. Now, I gotta let that loneliness sink in.

I really need a companion in life.
And I need some emotional support for sure.

here's a rant

be smart.



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feeling low

once again i am here - and hi.

i'm feeling particularly low at this point of time.
no one listens to me. no work gets done.
everything gets ignored and pushed off elsewhere

i'm stressed out and there's no one to talk to
seriously, who can i talk to about my work, my life, and everything?
my emotional support column has collapsed entirely now

honestly, i'm even getting blatantly avoided here
someone in this house even wants to sabotage me

it honestly feels like a trap now

i'm drained emotionally and physically
looking at this place makes me feel even more stressed out
how much more can i take? not sure

perhaps i should take a week off
but then again, i'll be even more stressed when i return since nothing will be done
moving here to do things quicker? feels the same to me, honestly

26th birthday

It's been some time. I am overwhelmed with many things that are going on right now and I just want some short escape.

Let's just go and address the obvious - 26th birthday. It's a tradition that I do here that I will talk about my birthday in particular and how that day passed. It's already 2 weeks, though. Time really flies.

This year, it's funny. I just focused on work and tried to ignore the fact that it is indeed my birthday. Some remembered and wished earlier, some people did not even wish. What's funny is that when we were wrapping up work for that day, I was caught off-guard with the appearance of a cake. I did not expect that since the guys didn't seem to show any signs of them remembering my birthday. No wishes or anything - just a cake all of a sudden.

With the people around me on that day, eating a cake and then heading for dinner - that is actually a birthday that I absolutely enjoyed. That's pretty much ideal for me.

With that done, I do have some other things to say. I did let myself get consumed by work entirely and that really yielded something different. I'm not even thinking about any personal feelings or emotional health from them until now actually, because I want myself to be totally fatigued and not think about emotional stuff at all. Not even in personal or friendship development.

I want things to get better but realizing that it can never go back the way it was, I'm just bummed out.

Like what I was talking to someone else just now - looking back at any relationship that turned sour, we judge our own actions in the past and call ourselves stupid. Blasphemous for even helping or talking to such person! But at the moment when it happened, we have a spark that compelled us to do what we did.

When that particular thing turned sour, we start labeling it as a toxic relationship. But for people like me, we can't let it go entirely. It is already a part of us - and deep down, we still appreciate the times we spent together, especially with those particular person - even though we do hate you now.

Since we can never fully let it go, the thought of those happy times comes and we start to miss those times. And then the seasonal emotional breakdown happens. Why can't we ever go back to those days?

I don't know, but I really love those times we spent together. How I wish we can spend more of those times together.

And always appreciate those around you all the time, always. They can be gone in a blink of an eye. I am practicing to be more calm and making decisions with a clear mind. Sometimes, it does slip out though.

It's funny how words just flow out of my mind into the keyboard through my finger. I am typing this with my eyes clothes and well, I think these are just the things that I wanted to say and get it out of mind and into somewhere else.

I don't even remember what I ate for dinner and I don't even read what I typed. This is somewhat therapeutic to me, honestly.

Things change

Let's address some things.

That was an intense night. Takes a toll on me mentally a few days before and after that night. Guess no one can really prepare for that. And I'm a very liberal person, by the way.

It's a surprise to me that we started that list similarly - the forgiveness and apology about what happened albeit no idea what's going on at that time. Then at the end, we still want to achieve the same thing and still want to settle our differences, and move forward again together.

I'm grateful for that, really. For me to go through that is unimaginable. I usually will just run away, honestly. And for you to go through that - I don't know what to say. I know you wanted to cry too. Your eyes were watery and red. And so were mine. I do feel like there were a lot more points directed at me, though.

That's okay. We weren't looking eye to eye at first and it's realigned now. It's not easy to get through depression - and we know it. I've been through it quite a lot and I know how it feels. Yet that doesn't mean we're not here to help. Take your time - however long you need.

Just don't take medication to solve it. That is a very short term solution that makes things even worse. I know because I've seen it.

Though there are a few things that I want to address here. Let's just face the truth here.

Things did change since last year. That changed for the worse - but that night, things changed once again. Permanently. For better or for worse, I'm not sure and I don't care now. Things cannot just reset itself. It's time for me to be passive about things. See how things act up instead of me initiating something every time.

As for me personally, the quest that I set out a decade ago - I'm abruptly ending it even though the goal is still unachieved. No more searching and questing for that. It's a stupid search for something that's unreachable, unobtainable and it's really time to just move on. Grow up and let go. No more next chapters, just close the book and stow it away.

I don't realize many of the things that I have done or have been doing. Helping others - be it big or small. Never knew until others point it out. Social hints? Definitely need improvement on my side. But that's for the future.

Now, I'll refocus on my myself. Always take care of myself first. Protect myself. Actively reminding it's for myself.

As for how the future unfolds, I'm too tired to think about it right now. But time waits for no one and hence I am always setting things in motion. Now, it's time to rethink what to set in motion.

Just let me rest for now.

Festivities in general

Chinese New Year is right around the corner - and yeah I'm going to say it. I don't really like Chinese New Year. Or any other holiday/festivals with long holidays in general, to be honest.

For me, these are the loneliest times. Everyone's away and tendering to their own friends and family obviously.

Chinese New Year in particular is lonely af too. There's no relative for me to go back to since the family is broken as heck. Brother's divorce is now official too so there's no sister-in-law for me.

And I sure as hell will not go back to hometown. I have no friends there so that's definitely not a path I'll take.

I, on the other hand, will just go back to being lonely in my own room and doing what I always do - work. Since nothing is happening, I just take other people's job to work on. That'll keep my mind off things.

Because having an empty mind with nothing to do really does make me feel down and depressed. So I take other people's job. Yet these work mostly goes unappreciated.

I got so pissed off when I was told "we worked until midnight, we didn't have dinner and we decided to go at the last minute." As if I don't work all day and all night. As if I didn't skip my meals for work. I had people ordering a takeaway right in front of me and acted as if I'm invisible after I skipped lunch for work. Just fantastic.

Start treating me like a human too. I oftentimes go unappreciated and just ignored and avoided. The things that I say out of my pure heart just go right through someone's head.

Can't blame me for going depressed all the time if I'm not taken seriously, ignored, and avoided all the time right? I ask for help ONCE and it was put aside and ignored. If I can do it myself, I wouldn't even ask for help at all.

And some might say I have FOMO. Which is quite true for some situations. Yet some people will just call me at the last minute as courtesy - not because they truly intend to ask me out for laughs and giggles. I hate last minute shits. Please plan beforehand.

There's a reason why I believe celebrating someone's birthday is important. It's a fixed date every year and it goes to show how much you actually appreciate someone and grateful for that particular person. A well-thought celebration is always the way to go. Gathering, spend the day together, that's cool.

A sloppy celebration is an insult. It's like a quick way to just say "hi, HBD, bye" type of thing. Generally feels bad. For me, the worst is when there's a lot of people involved. And never ever lie to me.

Now with another week-long holiday coming, I wonder how long I can hold up before going all depressed again. I appreciate and grateful for others, but I am never appreciated or had someone be grateful for me. That's life for me anyway. This does not spark joy.

I always find a way to cheer others up, so who will cheer me up?

Feeling uneasy

Hey, look. The previous post was in a pretty bad timing. Shit happened around the time I published it. And yes, it is to you, Dugi. So hear me out here.

I can't control how you feel about yourself since that happened. If I hurt your feelings, then I'm honestly really sorry.

You're not trash nor shit. You're still my brother and best friend. You're my trash and my shit.

I want us to get better. All of us. Including your EQ which we have discussed, not entire the best.

But hey, this is a part of how we grow together. We learn from each other and get better.

This is the journey that we both signed up together.

Lemme get you a beer to cheer you up, alright?

Maturity

It's quite weird to say this but here's something I just want to let it out. Since my melancholy season is inactive now, it's a holy season is inactive now, it's a good time to say these things out.

When I was told things didn't change, well - in some aspect, that's true. In fact, it got even better. The bond matured. Became stronger like 2-part epoxy just got cured. That only happened only after some struggle, which is also like wrestling the parts and holding it in place to let the epoxy dry.

Things did change - but just that it's somewhat considered minor, I'd guess. Hugs are gone though I honestly miss that a lot since I do like hugs. Talks about family stuff is mostly nonexistent now since I can see things for myself and there are no happening these days - which is good.

Then as for interaction... well... it does seem to have gotten better but that needs constant monitoring and checking as well. That in itself filled me with joy.

And I just want to take this opportunity to say this.

Hi, if you're reading this - probably you aren't because who comes here anyway - then yeah, hi. I actually only know one person who comes here and read this.

Hey yo, Dugi. My brother from another mother.

I'm not trying to creep you out but just hear me out here. I kinda feel that we're both along the lines of "I don't deserve goodness" type of mentality, but I am obviously more expressive than you. Also sorry if I'm harsh to you. I want us to get better. And that's just the way I am.

Drop me a PM after you read this perhaps? I don't know, lol.

I appreciate you in my life. A lot. We have our own squabbles but honestly, that's how bonds get stronger as we can understand and look past our differences after the squabble. That's maturity.

Also, yeah. I take my time to actually show you that I am grateful to have you - even though we have our own different ways of showing it. This is my way. No matter how small, I still get some token of appreciation with the best of my ability.

Honestly, who doesn't wish for something in return, right? Even when someone said "I don't wish for anything in return when I do good", most of the time it's a lie. I'm really just hoping for a strong personal relationship from the people that I care. That's all.

And for me, I'm an emotional guy and gets touched easily. Personal attachment and relationship is important to me. Yet for me, some simple birthday celebration from those I care is already a great present for me. Have a chat, eat together, take some pictures together.

While some people think it's always the grandeur celebration is what people wants, that's wrong. I just like to spend time with those I care, and shown that I am cared by them too. Not just words, but actions. And it's always the thought that counts. Make it effective and efficient.

Improvements

I'm not sure what I did or what happened - but improvement is seen everywhere. And I'm very happy about it, actually. As time goes by, I hope that things will be even better, of course. But maintaining isn't bad either.

Whatever that started this change, I'm happy about it. Perhaps sometimes a full on rant does help in calming my mind and for some reason, set things in motion.

Yeah, I agree that I'm impatient and I want favorable results instantly - but aren't we all, though? Why wait when it can be done now and there is nothing stopping us? Procrastination only means imminent death - and if there is no motivation or "force" to push someone to do something, then it is bound to be forgotten and abandoned.

Richard Wiseman's experiment rings true here - if you want to combat procrastination, then just do it first. Take a small step and eventually you will follow through and complete it. Like an assignment - type a sentence or two first, then you'll eventually finish it. Psychology is a funny thing.

As for how things are going, I'm just happy with it. Tolerance, understanding, and patience are important. And they are required from both parties - and I'm glad that I don't feel that it is one sided anymore.

Maybe it's not me

Maybe. Just maybe. Why? Because I'm logical in a way.

Think about it - do you actually took the effort or initiative to get to know me? The entire thing has been a one-sudden thing to begin with!

I am indeed blinded and did not look at how things could pan out from the beginning - but that is obviously that I am somehow just blinded by hope like I always had been. Never to think with my heart - only to think with my brain. All the time.

Now it's lies on top of lies all the time. They might seem like white lies and think "eh I can get away with it", but sorry - I'm not dumb and I have an eye and my brain. I can see and I can make mental notes.

These lies - either white lies or not - are still lies that hinders trust. Don't tell me that lying on things that don't matter is okay, because CLEARLY it is not. Why lie on things don't matter in the first place? They don't matter, right? Then why lie about it?

When it comes to things that I personally hold dearly, then for the love of god - please don't ever take advantage of that weakness of me. I am super soft when it comes to this and I guess in a way, that is the one and only path that I still open up to let people in. And yet I don't see a point of keeping it open now already.

To help someone requires commitment, time, and effort. Hence that's why it becomes "dear to me", no?

When you say something, then make sure you do it. That is your promise. Never say one thing and do another, then when confronted, you just say "oh, change of plans." Once or twice, that is alright - but when that happens often, trust starts to break.

If you want me to change myself then don't just say "hey, I want to do this for you" and then end up sitting on the bench, spectating. Do it. Action speaks louder than words.

And then there's this constant active avoidance of my being. No idea why, but it is happening.

Now, I have absolutely no idea what to do. The situation is just wtf.

I don't want to turn back to the old days - but I can't do it alone.
Save me. Please.

2018 in a nutshell

Years are just numbers. Though, they serve as a checkpoint for benchmarks or a reference point. Not gonna lie, it's a bumpy yet interesting year to say the least.

There are things that definitely need cracking down to ensure smooth operations throughout - and that means someone needs to be stern - even if it is frowned upon. To be stern is where people will start to hate me. Or even retaliate, for that matter.

In short, I'll volunteer to be the scapegoat. And that's okay. I need things to work out - not just give in to whatever minor excuse or complaint. I'm stressed, for fuck's sake. I can't tank.

I think it's okay to not have personal connection to anything or anyone. Everyone is just surviving to get by life anyway.

The "new year, new me" thing is not that applicable to me this time around. I'm going for "new year, old me" instead. Why? Because it sucks to be a soft-hearted. I still think it's better to be cold.

I tried to lower my guard since August of 2017. I remember that series of event and the triggers that happened. Seeing all the things that are happening, I thought things will be different. So I gave in, listened to my heart - and it was obviously the wrong choice. I got hurt once again.

My anger is overwhelming. Everything is turning back to what it was like in early 2017. Keeping my distance. No one to talk to, no one to hug, no one to have some boundless heart to heart talk. And now I'm loveless again.

For something to happen is to actually take action and do something. Don't expect everything to just happen and "go with the flow".
But like I said, it takes two to clap. If I do something and the other party doesn't do anything, then it's useless and pointless.

If you try to help someone, then take action. Don't sit and wait for something to happen miraculously - that's never going to happen. If you care, take action. Take actions that are hard-hitting, not just pointlessly beating around the bush. Simple as that.

Now that I'm back to keeping my distance, I dare you to try and catch up. This "paywall" can honestly be a legitimacy test.