Things change

Let's address some things.

That was an intense night. Takes a toll on me mentally a few days before and after that night. Guess no one can really prepare for that. And I'm a very liberal person, by the way.

It's a surprise to me that we started that list similarly - the forgiveness and apology about what happened albeit no idea what's going on at that time. Then at the end, we still want to achieve the same thing and still want to settle our differences, and move forward again together.

I'm grateful for that, really. For me to go through that is unimaginable. I usually will just run away, honestly. And for you to go through that - I don't know what to say. I know you wanted to cry too. Your eyes were watery and red. And so were mine. I do feel like there were a lot more points directed at me, though.

That's okay. We weren't looking eye to eye at first and it's realigned now. It's not easy to get through depression - and we know it. I've been through it quite a lot and I know how it feels. Yet that doesn't mean we're not here to help. Take your time - however long you need.

Just don't take medication to solve it. That is a very short term solution that makes things even worse. I know because I've seen it.

Though there are a few things that I want to address here. Let's just face the truth here.

Things did change since last year. That changed for the worse - but that night, things changed once again. Permanently. For better or for worse, I'm not sure and I don't care now. Things cannot just reset itself. It's time for me to be passive about things. See how things act up instead of me initiating something every time.

As for me personally, the quest that I set out a decade ago - I'm abruptly ending it even though the goal is still unachieved. No more searching and questing for that. It's a stupid search for something that's unreachable, unobtainable and it's really time to just move on. Grow up and let go. No more next chapters, just close the book and stow it away.

I don't realize many of the things that I have done or have been doing. Helping others - be it big or small. Never knew until others point it out. Social hints? Definitely need improvement on my side. But that's for the future.

Now, I'll refocus on my myself. Always take care of myself first. Protect myself. Actively reminding it's for myself.

As for how the future unfolds, I'm too tired to think about it right now. But time waits for no one and hence I am always setting things in motion. Now, it's time to rethink what to set in motion.

Just let me rest for now.

Festivities in general

Chinese New Year is right around the corner - and yeah I'm going to say it. I don't really like Chinese New Year. Or any other holiday/festivals with long holidays in general, to be honest.

For me, these are the loneliest times. Everyone's away and tendering to their own friends and family obviously.

Chinese New Year in particular is lonely af too. There's no relative for me to go back to since the family is broken as heck. Brother's divorce is now official too so there's no sister-in-law for me.

And I sure as hell will not go back to hometown. I have no friends there so that's definitely not a path I'll take.

I, on the other hand, will just go back to being lonely in my own room and doing what I always do - work. Since nothing is happening, I just take other people's job to work on. That'll keep my mind off things.

Because having an empty mind with nothing to do really does make me feel down and depressed. So I take other people's job. Yet these work mostly goes unappreciated.

I got so pissed off when I was told "we worked until midnight, we didn't have dinner and we decided to go at the last minute." As if I don't work all day and all night. As if I didn't skip my meals for work. I had people ordering a takeaway right in front of me and acted as if I'm invisible after I skipped lunch for work. Just fantastic.

Start treating me like a human too. I oftentimes go unappreciated and just ignored and avoided. The things that I say out of my pure heart just go right through someone's head.

Can't blame me for going depressed all the time if I'm not taken seriously, ignored, and avoided all the time right? I ask for help ONCE and it was put aside and ignored. If I can do it myself, I wouldn't even ask for help at all.

And some might say I have FOMO. Which is quite true for some situations. Yet some people will just call me at the last minute as courtesy - not because they truly intend to ask me out for laughs and giggles. I hate last minute shits. Please plan beforehand.

There's a reason why I believe celebrating someone's birthday is important. It's a fixed date every year and it goes to show how much you actually appreciate someone and grateful for that particular person. A well-thought celebration is always the way to go. Gathering, spend the day together, that's cool.

A sloppy celebration is an insult. It's like a quick way to just say "hi, HBD, bye" type of thing. Generally feels bad. For me, the worst is when there's a lot of people involved. And never ever lie to me.

Now with another week-long holiday coming, I wonder how long I can hold up before going all depressed again. I appreciate and grateful for others, but I am never appreciated or had someone be grateful for me. That's life for me anyway. This does not spark joy.

I always find a way to cheer others up, so who will cheer me up?

Feeling uneasy

Hey, look. The previous post was in a pretty bad timing. Shit happened around the time I published it. And yes, it is to you, Dugi. So hear me out here.

I can't control how you feel about yourself since that happened. If I hurt your feelings, then I'm honestly really sorry.

You're not trash nor shit. You're still my brother and best friend. You're my trash and my shit.

I want us to get better. All of us. Including your EQ which we have discussed, not entire the best.

But hey, this is a part of how we grow together. We learn from each other and get better.

This is the journey that we both signed up together.

Lemme get you a beer to cheer you up, alright?

Maturity

It's quite weird to say this but here's something I just want to let it out. Since my melancholy season is inactive now, it's a holy season is inactive now, it's a good time to say these things out.

When I was told things didn't change, well - in some aspect, that's true. In fact, it got even better. The bond matured. Became stronger like 2-part epoxy just got cured. That only happened only after some struggle, which is also like wrestling the parts and holding it in place to let the epoxy dry.

Things did change - but just that it's somewhat considered minor, I'd guess. Hugs are gone though I honestly miss that a lot since I do like hugs. Talks about family stuff is mostly nonexistent now since I can see things for myself and there are no happening these days - which is good.

Then as for interaction... well... it does seem to have gotten better but that needs constant monitoring and checking as well. That in itself filled me with joy.

And I just want to take this opportunity to say this.

Hi, if you're reading this - probably you aren't because who comes here anyway - then yeah, hi. I actually only know one person who comes here and read this.

Hey yo, Dugi. My brother from another mother.

I'm not trying to creep you out but just hear me out here. I kinda feel that we're both along the lines of "I don't deserve goodness" type of mentality, but I am obviously more expressive than you. Also sorry if I'm harsh to you. I want us to get better. And that's just the way I am.

Drop me a PM after you read this perhaps? I don't know, lol.

I appreciate you in my life. A lot. We have our own squabbles but honestly, that's how bonds get stronger as we can understand and look past our differences after the squabble. That's maturity.

Also, yeah. I take my time to actually show you that I am grateful to have you - even though we have our own different ways of showing it. This is my way. No matter how small, I still get some token of appreciation with the best of my ability.

Honestly, who doesn't wish for something in return, right? Even when someone said "I don't wish for anything in return when I do good", most of the time it's a lie. I'm really just hoping for a strong personal relationship from the people that I care. That's all.

And for me, I'm an emotional guy and gets touched easily. Personal attachment and relationship is important to me. Yet for me, some simple birthday celebration from those I care is already a great present for me. Have a chat, eat together, take some pictures together.

While some people think it's always the grandeur celebration is what people wants, that's wrong. I just like to spend time with those I care, and shown that I am cared by them too. Not just words, but actions. And it's always the thought that counts. Make it effective and efficient.

Improvements

I'm not sure what I did or what happened - but improvement is seen everywhere. And I'm very happy about it, actually. As time goes by, I hope that things will be even better, of course. But maintaining isn't bad either.

Whatever that started this change, I'm happy about it. Perhaps sometimes a full on rant does help in calming my mind and for some reason, set things in motion.

Yeah, I agree that I'm impatient and I want favorable results instantly - but aren't we all, though? Why wait when it can be done now and there is nothing stopping us? Procrastination only means imminent death - and if there is no motivation or "force" to push someone to do something, then it is bound to be forgotten and abandoned.

Richard Wiseman's experiment rings true here - if you want to combat procrastination, then just do it first. Take a small step and eventually you will follow through and complete it. Like an assignment - type a sentence or two first, then you'll eventually finish it. Psychology is a funny thing.

As for how things are going, I'm just happy with it. Tolerance, understanding, and patience are important. And they are required from both parties - and I'm glad that I don't feel that it is one sided anymore.

Maybe it's not me

Maybe. Just maybe. Why? Because I'm logical in a way.

Think about it - do you actually took the effort or initiative to get to know me? The entire thing has been a one-sudden thing to begin with!

I am indeed blinded and did not look at how things could pan out from the beginning - but that is obviously that I am somehow just blinded by hope like I always had been. Never to think with my heart - only to think with my brain. All the time.

Now it's lies on top of lies all the time. They might seem like white lies and think "eh I can get away with it", but sorry - I'm not dumb and I have an eye and my brain. I can see and I can make mental notes.

These lies - either white lies or not - are still lies that hinders trust. Don't tell me that lying on things that don't matter is okay, because CLEARLY it is not. Why lie on things don't matter in the first place? They don't matter, right? Then why lie about it?

When it comes to things that I personally hold dearly, then for the love of god - please don't ever take advantage of that weakness of me. I am super soft when it comes to this and I guess in a way, that is the one and only path that I still open up to let people in. And yet I don't see a point of keeping it open now already.

To help someone requires commitment, time, and effort. Hence that's why it becomes "dear to me", no?

When you say something, then make sure you do it. That is your promise. Never say one thing and do another, then when confronted, you just say "oh, change of plans." Once or twice, that is alright - but when that happens often, trust starts to break.

If you want me to change myself then don't just say "hey, I want to do this for you" and then end up sitting on the bench, spectating. Do it. Action speaks louder than words.

And then there's this constant active avoidance of my being. No idea why, but it is happening.

Now, I have absolutely no idea what to do. The situation is just wtf.

I don't want to turn back to the old days - but I can't do it alone.
Save me. Please.

2018 in a nutshell

Years are just numbers. Though, they serve as a checkpoint for benchmarks or a reference point. Not gonna lie, it's a bumpy yet interesting year to say the least.

There are things that definitely need cracking down to ensure smooth operations throughout - and that means someone needs to be stern - even if it is frowned upon. To be stern is where people will start to hate me. Or even retaliate, for that matter.

In short, I'll volunteer to be the scapegoat. And that's okay. I need things to work out - not just give in to whatever minor excuse or complaint. I'm stressed, for fuck's sake. I can't tank.

I think it's okay to not have personal connection to anything or anyone. Everyone is just surviving to get by life anyway.

The "new year, new me" thing is not that applicable to me this time around. I'm going for "new year, old me" instead. Why? Because it sucks to be a soft-hearted. I still think it's better to be cold.

I tried to lower my guard since August of 2017. I remember that series of event and the triggers that happened. Seeing all the things that are happening, I thought things will be different. So I gave in, listened to my heart - and it was obviously the wrong choice. I got hurt once again.

My anger is overwhelming. Everything is turning back to what it was like in early 2017. Keeping my distance. No one to talk to, no one to hug, no one to have some boundless heart to heart talk. And now I'm loveless again.

For something to happen is to actually take action and do something. Don't expect everything to just happen and "go with the flow".
But like I said, it takes two to clap. If I do something and the other party doesn't do anything, then it's useless and pointless.

If you try to help someone, then take action. Don't sit and wait for something to happen miraculously - that's never going to happen. If you care, take action. Take actions that are hard-hitting, not just pointlessly beating around the bush. Simple as that.

Now that I'm back to keeping my distance, I dare you to try and catch up. This "paywall" can honestly be a legitimacy test.

After some talking and some thought

It's always good to clarify things, no matter how small or ridiculous it sounds. For me, if *something* bothers me, I'll want to get answers from it. If there are multiple of these tiny little annoyances, they'll surely build up and annoy the hell out of me.

Yes, many things have been on my mind. Had the opportunity to at least talk a part of it. That helped. A lot. Though I can't have everything vomited out at once - that's just impossible since these doubts come in small dosages over time.

After that, I did some thinking after that - which I tend to overdo - and this time around, let me just say that I'll give things another chance. Things seem to be lining itself up and asking a chance for a reset and redo.

This time I'll do things differently. First thing is to banish my expectations entirely. I'm going in again with zero expectations. Hopes kill and dreams are suicidal - but unexpected glimmer of hope shown by others is always a wonderful gesture of mutual understanding of the intention to move forward together. That also means the relationship is not one-sided.

Secondly is to always talk things out. It's never going to be a smooth journey. If things are always smooth sailing, it's too good to be remotely true. There will be disagreements, but the ability to solve and get through such obstacle depends on both parties.

I got here not by chance but by some sort of gravitational force. I can give this another chance but I am trying to shift my perspective on things.

Experiments are about repeating the same thing over and over again but with tweaks - even just tiny little ones. That's how we can optimize the methodology and get the results.

So what if I failed 3 times? Or four? Or five? I have nothing to lose.
I can always try again - but with tweaks.
Let's march onwards on this never-ending journey that does not have any tracks.

Moving on

As time goes by, I think at this point of time, some things are much more apparent. While I still would like to experience some of that childhood innocence and magic, it's apparent that everyone else has changed - obviously physically and mentally.

In words from Keane, everybody's changing. Actually, everybody has already changed. Just that I have not changed. I've been clinging on to achieve something that I was set out to do a decade ago.

It's time for me to move on from this delusion, even though it is definitely not easy.

I admit. I'm someone who's not really that experienced in befriending people and I don't particularly know how to be a friend too. And yeah, I am abnormal. Actually, who is "normal"? What is "normal"? Everyone is different, and there is no one template that everyone fits in. So fuck it with the "normal".

It's about compatibility. Everyone has different compatibility. Some people are just more compatible with others, while some like me just aren't compatible with others in general.

For me, the goal to find a best friend has been disappointing to say the least. The incompatibility might be an odd case at first, but given that it's already the 3rd time, I think it is all but confirmed. The problem is with me. I might as well give up.

I guess the thing is that I don't have any hope for the whole best friend thing anymore. The journey is something that I promised to go along with, but I don't think I'll be putting in any more extra effort, though old habits die hard.

Long-term hope that just get burned down is much more damaging. Hope is dangerous. Dreams are suicidal.

Every action has a reaction and it takes two hands to clap. If I do things but without any reaction, then why should I continue?


My initial guess is correct then. In this world, it's always better if I am with an impenetrable cold heart. Just block everyone off.

Less troubles, less worries, and definitely less hope and less dreams.

Just do what I must and fuck off. If things don't work out, then leave.
What is there to be afraid in losing someone or something, right?

I can do better on my own.
I am already doing better on my own.

Always do what was said

Lies. No matter how small or big or insignificant you think it is, have its own consequences.

When you say something just for the fun of it, then be prepared to face the consequences.
Never say one thing and do another.

That's where the sense of distrust and doubt sprouts.

I honestly don't go and do things just to be lied to.
Nor I want to be lied to.
That's just horrible.

Lies might sometimes seem to be for the better for a particular situation now, but it's never a good idea in the long term. That's where the sense of betrayal comes.
Once the lie is exposed - which it will, there's no turning back.

Just be honest.
In the things you say.
In the things you do.
In relationships.
In life.
Be honest.